Not every mock draft can be something awesome, you know. There are only so many variations of the theme “Breasts We’d Like to Touch” before things get stale and we have to mix things up. We crave intellectual stimulation, don’t you know.
Earlier this week, we saw this image on XKCD…
…and it sparked surprisingly passionate responses from the crew — “Cherries should be closer to difficult.” “Green apples over red apples?” “I fucking HATE seeded grapes.” Thus spawned quite possibly the lamest (and, ironically, most contentious) mock draft we’ve ever had: the fruit draft.
The scenario: You are on a deserted island. There is enough fish and local game to provide you with regular nourishment, but food is not so bountiful that you can enjoy a constant, sated comfort. However, you will have an unlimited amount of the fruit you draft — and ONLY the fruit you draft — to supplement your diet. You also have the necessary tools (knife or whatever) to eat your selected fruit. Per an inquiry from Drew, the presence or lack of alcohol on the island should not be part of a fruit’s consideration. In addition, draft participants were asked in advance not to be a pain in the ass by ignoring the intent of the draft, namely by doing something clever like taking “honey crisp apple” once red apple and green apple were off the board, or selecting “Jeff Garcia” for a cheap, obvious laugh. Most of us followed these guidelines.
Two rounds. Serpentine order. Go.
1. Christmas Ape: Peaches
“I dislike melons to the point that they, especially cantaloupe, cause me to vomit after only a few bites. The coconut would be fun to throw, but seeing as how the island is deserted, that joy is lost. Leaving aside the Nic Cage Face/Off jokes, I can indeed eat a peach for hours.”
2. flubby: Grapes
“Let me preface my first pick by commending Drew on picking one of the draft topics submitted to us by the AARP. What were the runners up? Favorite cast member of the Lawrence Welk Show? Favorite Maine lighthouses?”
flubby, of course, is the eldest member of KSK by half a decade, and is thus sensitive about these things. The lady doth protest too much, and all that.
3. Unsilent Majority: Peanuts
“I’ll take the peanut. That along with a little George Washington Carver-esque creativity should make life pretty livable. And if not, I can always invent a boat powered by peanuts.”
flub: A legume, NOT A FRUIT.
UM: IT’S ON THE LIST!
UM: [quoting something, probably another Wiki page] “A legume is a simple dry fruit which develops from a simple carpel and usually dehisces (opens along a seam) on two sides.” blow me, lawboy
flub: Culinary fruits??? I thought this was open to botanical fruits only.
Things went on this way for a while. It devolved into smart-alecky one-liners, Simpsons quotes, and a preemptive ban on tomatoes and avocadoes, which led to more histrionics from the Maj, which led to the citation of Nix v. Hedden, the Supreme Court case that ruled that tomatoes were vegetables. Maj’s devotion to picking ANYTHING BESIDES FRUIT in the fruit draft was actually kind of impressive.
After enough brow-beating, we finally got to this:
3. Unsilent Majority: Oranges
“so I don’t get scuuuuurrrrvy.”
4. Monday Morning Punter: Kiwi
Punter noted that the best way to eat kiwifruit is to cut it in half, then scoop out the good stuff with a spoon. So if you’re still peeling them, get with the times, man.
5. Captain Caveman: Mangoes
A pain in the ass to eat, but absolutely delicious.
6. Big Daddy Drew: Bananas
“I eat one pretty much every day. Plus, they don’t give me canker sores like oranges and citrus, and they keep my bowel movements nice and firm.”
7. Drew: Lemons
“If I have fish, I gotta have lemon. Plus if I find sugar cane I can make lemonade, which is just bitchin on a sunny day.”
UM: and if i can find a gun i can shoot myself to avoid living in a world without legumes
A bit of reach on Drew’s part, but I suppose he was drafting for need.
8. Caveman: Strawberries
CC: I was gonna go with the en vogue acai berry, but fresh strawberries are an excellent combination of taste and ease.
UM: strawberries and acai were the only things left on my board
9. Punter: aÃ§aÃ
Punter: You fucking deserve it for being such a pain in the ass.
10. UM: Apples
“because this draft is gay, and i already have oranges. fuck it all.”
11. flubby: square watermelons
12. Ape: Pineapple.
“I was looking at blueberries, which are nice to eat by the handful, but I think pineapple is a better complement to the peach. It also gives me something to while away some time on my deserted island.”
Indeed. Welp, that was a pain in the ass and a waste of everyone’s time. Same time next week?