This week the gang has elected to draft cartoon characters you’d like to be friends with. Initially we were going for “no humans” but nixed that idea, HOWEVAH we have instituted the rule that once a character has been taken from a show/movie, all characters from that show/movie are off the table. We are trying to avoid a Simpsons-pocalypse.
Anyways, you know the rules. Make your picks in the comments, wait a little bit before making another one, and NO BITING.
1. Old James selects — Bart Simpson
2. Sarah Sprague selects — Jessica Rabbit.
Why? Because I have the second pick and I don’t trust the commenters with her if she falls that far.
3. Johnny Sugar selects — Dale Gribble
Laugh it up now, but when the apocalypse comes, his supply of Muntain Dew and alien urine (which look suspiciously similar) will come in handy.
4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects — Drum roll please …
Is it my turn yet? Yeah. It’s my turn. Good.
I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU
oh my god we’d go on so many adventures and learn so much and I’d tie a little bandana around his neck
and we’d make new friends and battle and we’d lose sometimes but that’d be okay because at the end of the day we’d still be a team and that’s what really counts and I’d never use a thunder stone on him ever and I’d never make him go into a poke ball if he didn’t want to because we’d be the very best friends forever AND NO I WILL NOT GROW UP AND ACT MY AGE MOM
5. David Rappoccio selects — The Iron Giant
I don’t think I need to explain why having a giant robot would be the best thing ever.
6. Christmas Ape selects — Scrooge McDuck
He has a money bin and goes on adventures. Plus he could probably get Gyro to make me some cool shit.
7. StuScott Booyahs selects — Remy
I’ll go with Remy from Ratatouille, just so I don’t have to cook and still eat five-star food.
8. Big Sandy selects — Bugs Bunny
This is like Michael Jordan falling to the middle of the second round. Sure the rabbit is a rascal, but he’s got HELLA swag. Also, he can never be killed, he always gets out of trouble, and did I mention his cocky attitude? He’s got what people hate about Johnny Manziel except he’s a cartoon rabbit so people forgive him. Also, he can cover a whole baseball field by himself. He’s the G.O.A.T.
9. Trevor Risk selects — Cringer/Battle Cat
I always wanted to have a tiger, but I’m not a coke dealer in the eighties, and honestly I’m not into rap music enough to worship the movie Scarface. Also, a tiger will kill you, or at least CAN kill you at its whim. Cringer is too much of a… well “pussy” (ahem) to tear your insides out, plus he can talk, so there’s everything you want. What’s that? You want to ride your English speaking tiger wuss? Just whip out a broadsword and jizz radiation or whatever at him, and now he’s a fully operational beast of burden, that will make anyone who calls you “gay” piss themselves. Just ask his current hot pants wearing, S&M devotee, I-know-all-the-word-to-the-Four-Non-Blondes-song, muscle worship queen master.
10. Trevor Risk selects — Cheryl Blossom from Archie
I mean, she’s a a rich redhead who was removed from the comics for being too sexual.
11. Big Sandy selects — Scooby Doo
Crime-fighting dog who eats a lot and probably gets high a lot? Count me in.
Ed. note — 4,631,432nd pick: Scrappy Doo
12. StuScottBooyahs selects — Charlie B. Barkin
I’m going to go with Charlie B. Barkin from All Dogs Go to Heaven, just because he’s voiced by Burt Reynolds.
13. Christmas Ape selects — Michelangelo
Already got a wealthy cartoon friend. Now I just need someone to party with and grab pizza.
14. David Rappocio selects — The Flying Carpet from Aladdin
It could fly me anywhere and couldn’t talk so I wouldn’t have to listen to Robin Williams like if I picked the genie.
15. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects — Ray Gillette
As tempting as it is to say “ARCHER SO I CAN GO ON SPYVENTURES WITH HIM YAY”, I mean, think about it. Dude’s not exactly famous for treating his friends well. Ray, on the other hand, is decently well-adjusted and seems like he’d be a great drinking buddy. Plus, you could still go on spyventures with Ray, and he’d be a lot less likely to like, pull a gun on you than Archer, or one of the other picks I considered: Pam. Plus, the dynamic between video-game-loving snarky sportswriter and southern gay secret agent would make for just the most hilarious CBS nighttime sitcom.
16. Johnny Sugar selects — Reginald the Koala Spy
He’s just a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut….except he’s a Koala!
Honestly, this might be my favorite minor character on any cartoon ever, and he’d undoubtedly be fun to hang out with. Plus, as his theme song reminds us, he’s cute as a button.
17. Sarah Sprague selects — Jane Lane.
Since I’m already Daria (and two Darias would end up killing each other), I’m taking Jane. Plus she’s pretty much the coolest cartoon character ever. Loves pizza, sleeping, bitching about people and being arty. Sounds like a BFF to me.
18. Old James selects — Dale, from Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers
I’m kicking myself for not picking Michelangelo, so I’m going with Dale, the B-Team party dude who looks a strange amount like a rodent Magnum PI. Plus, the Chip ‘n Dale NES game was the first video game I ever beat, so this is a bit of a nostalgic pick too. #ThrowbackThursday anyone? Sarah? Is this thing on?