KSK Mock Draft: Developing a robot to take part in an event of your choosing

02.18.11 7 years ago 142 Comments


This week we were inspired by the geniuses at IBM who managed to create a computer capable of beating the crap out of our nation’s preeminent trivia dorks. While Watson was specifically designed to compete in this singular event, its (his?) future applications are far reaching. His next assignment will take him into the healthcare field, and after that it’s anyone’s guess. It was with that in mind that we crafted this week’s draft. The basic idea is that we’re picking an event for a robot/computer to compete or participate in, with an eye towards future applications. At least that’s the basic idea I had in my head when Ape suggested the topic. I have no damn clue what assumptions Drew was operating under.

The draft order is as follows.


Continue after the jump for the ROBODRAFT.

1. Drew – An NFL game

I asked Drew whether his robot would be designed to coach or to play. He responded, “To play. Who gives a fuck about coaches?”

So basically Drew wants a robot to play against humans in the NFL. This is going to be a long and confusing draft.

For what it’s worth, I look forward to the day of robot coaches. An analytical mind without a Shanny-esque ego? I’ll take that.

2. Diane Lane’s co-star in “Unfaithful 2”

Best part: Richard Gere dies halfway through the movie.

CC: Seeing as how Olivier Martinez played an artist in that movie, I’d definitely be intrigued by that.
Drew: Why would you want to watch a robot fuck Diane Lane?
CC: I answer your question with a question: Why WOULDN’T you?

Yep, we’re off to a rollicking start.

3. An orgy

Such wide-reaching applications. We all know that robot fucking is the future of fucking, so let’s get the party started in earnest.

Punte: I have to say that I’m quite averse to a robot vagina. That’s a future to which I’d have to be dragged kicking and screaming.
Drew: Well, wait, are we doing this event WITH the robot? Or are we watchign the robot do it?
Maj: We’re watching the robot do it. Like watching Watson compete on Jeopardy.
Drew: Okay. Just checkin. Because if I get to fuck the robot, that’s a whole other thing.

4. Caveman – Robot Dance Contest

5. Ape – Moderator at a presidential debate

“Candidate’s answer has been found to be factually inaccurate in the following ways…”

[Red face, uproarious laughter from audience]

6. Flubby – Event: Next time I’m at a crowded bar. I want a robot bartender.

That way I don’t have to stand around forever looking like a jackass while he is flirting with chicks or jaw-jacking with his bros.

So we’re getting a bit loose with our definition of “event,” but I think we can all agree that we need robot bartenders.

7. Flubby – World Series (umpire)

If I never hear an umpire refer to “my strike zone” again it will be too soon.

That’s a quality sleeper pick.

8. Ape – Comedy performance

Just wanna see what they come up with.

“Knock knock. Who’s there? DESTROY ALL HUMANS Destroy all humans who? DESTROY ALL HUMANS IT MATTERS NOT WHO.”

If they could program a computer to come up with new one-liners in the style of Mitch Hedberg I would be quite pleased. And frankly, just about anything would be an improvement over Dane Cook.

9. Matt – Supreme Court ruling

Robot Supreme Court Justice. Abortions for all!

Miniature American flags for others?

10. Maj – Top Chef


Even Robochef is annoyed that Blais is using liquid nitrogen again. Ice cream is not a cookie, Richard.

11. Punte – NASCAR

I wouldn’t mind seeing a stock car racing robot. Let’s go with that.

Maybe Ape’s comic can go for a ride with Punte’s driver. “Man, you really like Tide.”

12. Drew – Boxing match

Apparently this is a real thing.


And then I can hire a robot bodyguard.

Maj: A robot boxer? Jesus, you’re terrible at this.

So unlike Drew to use caps lock for effect.

Add your own in the comments, and wait ten picks before selecting again.

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