Today we’re drafting our favorite hot sauces. A good hot sauce has the ability to transform the most ordinary foodstuffs into a fiery mouthgasm of deliciousness.
Everything is up for grabs, as long as it comes in a bottle and burns your insides when you overdo it. The draft order is as follows.
1. Unsilent Majority
2. Captain Caveman
3. Big Daddy Drew
5. Christmas Ape
1. Unsilent Majority – Sriracha
It’s an amazing ingredient and my probably favorite condiment. Cock sauce makes everything better. Fuck yeah.
2. Captain Caveman – Poblana Salsa Ranchera “The Sauce Supreme”
Light years more flavor than the typical bottle of red sauce; hotter than Cholula without being all “Fuck your taste buds” hot.
3. Big Daddy Drew – Frank’s RedHot
4. Flubby – Dave’s Insanity Sauce
Use judiciously. I won’t even pour it directly into whatever I’m using it on. I carefully put a drop on the blade of knife (while holding it over the sink) then mix it in.
5. Christmas Ape – Pain 100%
It’s pretty beastly.
First round recap: Sriracha was a no-brainer as a top pick, unless you hate awesomeness. CC follows up with a delicious offering out of Tucson, after which Drew snatches up the one thing he loves more than his family. Flubby appeases the ultra-hot hot sauce snobs with the legendary sauce that clocks in at 180,000 Scoville units, and Ape goes with an intimidating pick, although it only registers at 13,650 (still really fucking spicy) on the same scale.
6. Christmas Ape – Endorphin Rush
7. Flubby – Pickapeppa
Not too hot, but takes red meat dishes to Flavortown. On its Wikipedia page, it says Naomi Campbell carries a bottle in her purse. I assume she smears it in the eyes of her underlings.
8. Big Daddy Drew – Aji sauce
The green shit at the peruvian chicken joints.
9. Captain Caveman – Tapatio
A sentimental pick. The loader on my tank was 1st-generation Mexican-American and always kept a bottle of it for our MREs. The gunner, who was white and outranked him, would needle him by pronouncing it “Ta-posh-eo.” I still say it that way.
10. Unsilent Majority – Marie Sharp’s Habenero Hot Sauce
By far the best habenero sauce there is. For a stretch in college I pretty much lived off of cheese quesadillas seasoned with the grapefruit pulp variety.
Second round recap: Ape goes even spicier with his second pick, one that I’ve never tried (probably for the best). Flubby’s pick is self-described as “Jamaican ketchup,” which is funny if you know how he feels about ketchup on his meat. Still, the stuff is delicious. Drew bends the rules a bit, because it wouldn’t be a draft if Drew didn’t push things. I’ve never seen the Aji sauce bottled, but it is spicy and addictive. Every pollo a la brassa place seems to have a different recipe. Drew favors that of local chain Don Pollo. CC’s pick of Tapatio may be sentimental, but it’s also pretty solid. The sauce is so ubiquitous because it’s tasty, as opposed to Tabasco, whose overwhelming popularity is harder to understand. I round things up with a taste of Belize. I’ve never actually been there, but the sauce makes it seem like a pretty magical place.
Now it’s time to take your turn in the comments. And remember, if this doesn’t devolve into a series of personal attacks, you’re doing the hot sauce debate all wrong.