KSK Mock Draft: House pets that aren’t dogs or cats

02.14.14 4 years ago 124 Comments

Welcome back to another KSK mock draft where everythings madeup and the points dont matter (LMAO). Last week I domnated the guitar solo draft obviously and this week looks like another easy win.

The draft was done snake-style please tell us where we went wrong and what your pick would be.

Obviously people were not eligible to be chose or else I would of gone with a back to back pick of Michelle Beadle and Danny Woodhead for my perfect Valentines Day threesome not like sexual but just as a cool trio of people. Onward to the picks:

1. Tim Schavitz – Chinchilla

Two words: Dust Bath.

Ed. note: Also work’s well for a cool “I fucking love cocane” meme.

2. Big Sandy – A baby panda

One must be wary of anything that’s technically a bear, I guess, but seriously, pandas are pretty much the same as your drunk and/or stoned best friend. They’re pretty docile unless you REALLY piss them off, they don’t hibernate, and they just kind of roam from place to place, eating and drinking whatever, man. Also, they do the funniest stuff and look kind of mopey and make it seem cute. Raise it as a cub and, when it becomes an adult, it can move out and get its own house, stopping by to get drunk, watch the football games, and then shit on your floor.

3. Trevor Risk – Slow Loris

If you want to feel better about yourself for burning through an entire day of slacker channel “Well, this movie is on television so I have to watch it now,” behaviour, get one of these things. The laziness is literally IN their name. Apparently they make gross smells out of their armpits, but so do I most of the time so let’s just make our homes dens of squalor and yawns.

4. StuScottBooyahs – Iguana


When I was a kid I had a friend who had a pet iguana who always perched on his shoulder, just hanging out. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. Why the hell did pirates fuck around with parrots when they could have a badass iguana instead? That’s a way more intimidating look to keep your potentially mutinous crew in check.

5. Eric Sollenberger – The Quokka

photo (13)

Lookit this guy. He’s just a little rascal’s what he is. This fella’s got the same damn grin on his face no matter if you’re taking him on a walk on a hilarious tiny leash or feeding his brother to a snake.

6. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – The Sloth

No question.  All the cuteness, cuddliness, and chillness of a panda, with the added bonus that they will hang from your neck like a gigantic, awesome, Run DMC-style chain.  Except it’s a sloth, and not a chain.  Plus, they’ll score you huge points if you ever want to steal Kristen Bell away from Dax Shepard.  (call me, kristen <3 <3 )

7. Sarah Sprague – A Llama


Going with a llama. Super sweet, can be used as a therapy animal, will guard your sheep while you’re away, like to go on walks with their owners, will jump through hoops, and once made for a cute Disney movie with David Spade, the only time he’s ever been cute in his career.

Oh, and The New York Times is ON IT for hot llama pet trends.

8. Christmas Ape – Capuchin Monkey


Chimps are too strong and erratic. And I’d be a traitor to monkey kind if I didn’t pick one of my own.

Bobby Big Wheel: Monkeys aren’t apes though. You’re still a traitor.

Christmas Ape: A traitor with an adorable monkey pet.

9. Old James – An Ostrich

Doubles as both a companion AND a fully functional mode of transportation. Teaching them to navigate the sea in high tops can be laborious, no doubt, but look at how cute Ape’s little buddy is following it around.

10. Bobby Big Wheel – Potbellied Pig

They’re smarter than dogs, don’t get too big (my apartment isn’t big enough for a Great Dane, let alone a llama) and the funeral will be delicious.  Yeah, I’ll eat my pig.  He’d want it that way.  I’d even feed him those acorns that make jamon iberico so damn tasty.

11. PFT Commenter – A damn Snake


A snake is something u can take with u were ever you go and you will allways make you cooler then everyone else no matter what, plus youll more then likely get the nickname “snake.”

12. PFT Commenter – Pigeons

Sup? Lol. Thats a cool shirt does it come in your size? (neg)

Sup? Lol. Thats a cool shirt does it come in your size? (neg)

Im nothing if not a innovator and you can use pigeons to help in your PUA game 2 send airmailed negs out to any chicks who are flashing their goods around.  Theyre pretty much are asking to get hit on via a bird the way they walk around my neighborhood.

13. Bobby Big Wheel – A Parrot

Ed: Oh you mean besides the one name Bobby Big Wheel that Rachel Madow keeps on her shoulder?

Parrots are also pretty smart, and they can tell Hitler to shut the fuck up.  Pretty cool animal if you ask me.

14. Old James – Horse


That pile of shit they’ve been cultivating out in the field behind your house may not look like much, but what’s to stop you from slapping a fancy label on it and selling it to unsuspecting saps? Fun fact: their toenail shavings can be melted down into a bonding agent boat builders will pay top dollar for.

15. Christmas Ape – Kangaroo


/will have to teach it to wear boxing gloves

16. Sarah Sprague – Golden Eagle


Golden Eagle so I can get into falconry. Just going to ride my llama around with an eagle on my shoulder, solving crime

17. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Hedgehog


Hedgehogs have a high learning curve, and I’m sure if I had one. I’d be gouged a couple times.  But that’s the only con to owning a hedgehog, and from what I hear, it’s pretty easy to learn how to play with them without being stabbed.  The pros include, but are not limited to, the fact that they are the cutest goddamn things ever, they can actually curl up into a ball like in Sonic, they somehow look even more adorable with novelty hats on, and that yet, despite all the cuteness, they’re loyal and dangerous.  This means that once they get to know you, you can train them to pop their spines out when your ex tries to pick them up after they show up uninvited at that party you’re planning.

18. Eric Sollenberger – Ducks


Baby ducks think whatever they see first is its mother and will follow you around for the rest of their lives. You can cross the street anywhere you want because people will brake 10 times faster for a family of ducks than they will for a homeless person.

19. StuScottBooyahs- Tarantula

If only to fantasize about stopping burglars Home Alone-style.

20. Trevor Risk – Fox

Just living in a Roald Dahl movie, which is better than Watership Down or Animal Farm.

Ed: Im pretty sure that guy in the video fucks foxes

21. Big Sandy – Alligator

Everyone’s picking cute animals. Even me. So for my second round pick, I’m going with an alligator. They’re small enough as babies that they can be kept in the house and take care of a rodent problem. Then, when they grow up, I can dig a moat and put the gator there and it sure as hell will keep people away. GATORS.

22. Tim Schavitz – Flying Squirrel

I was going to close out with a falcon but golden eagles pretty much killed that thought. We would’ve made great pals.

I like flying things and rodents, so put me down for a flying squirrel.

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