KSK Mock Draft: Living Standup Comedians

06.05.15 3 years ago 209 Comments
Chris Rock pose

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This week we’re drafting standup comedians — comedians who changed the face of comedy, comedians who had a set that may never be topped, or just a comedian who makes you laugh more than others. There’s just one rule: no dead comedians. That means no George Carlin, no Robin Williams, no Richard Pryor and no goddamn Bill Hicks. And if you quote Mitch Hedberg and then say “RIP Mitch” I will strategically place a grill in your colon.

Don’t worry everyone, Bill Cosby is still available!

By the way, if this is your lunch break, well make it a long lunch break, because we’ve got a lot of awesome videos for you.

So, let’s get to it…

1. Trevor Risk — Scott Thompson

A pioneer for gay rights who never got up on the cross about it. In fact, he tried to remove the cross altogether once.

2. David Rappoccio — Jim Gaffigan

No one else on this planet can get as much comedy gold out of talking about food for 2 hours.

3. Spilly — Louis CK

I’m picking Louis CK because I usually can’t deal with really awkward comedy, but I’ll watch Louis each and every time.

4. Johnny Sugar — Patton Oswalt

People get super worked up about his twitter rants, and I don’t totally agree with everything he says there, but his stand-up specials are just about untouchable.

5. PFT Commenter — Andrew Dice Clay

Sorry if hes not PC enough for you guys or maybe your all just a little too sentitve but for my money it doesnt get any better then when he says “Little miss muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds away. along came a spider and sat down beside her and said ‘whats in the bowl bitch?'” lmao

6. Old James — Dave Chappelle

7. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Chris Rock

jesus christ how did chris rock fall this low

yeah lemme fix that real quick

8. Christmas Ape — Hannibal Buress

9. Eric Sollenberger — Eddie Murphy

Raw and Delirious are as timeless as they come. Would really like him to do something funny again, but that’s not gonna happen.

Ed. note: Eddie Murphy, hating on Bill Cosby before it was cool. And fuck that jello-pudding-eatin’ muthafucka.

10. StuScottBooyahs — Jerry Seinfeld

If only for his show and not his standup, which is almost too tame these days. But the guy wrote the book on observational comedy rather than rely on familiar tropes like the “black people do this white people do this” overplayed shit.

11. StuScottBooyahs — Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald. I’ll always love Norm because he wasn’t afraid to point out the pink elephant in the room no matter how awkward it made everything. See “Chairman of the Bored” and to Gordon Ramsay “Why would you become a cook.”

12. Eric Sollenberger — Dana Carvey

Just for his classic “Critic’s Choice” that was replayed on Comedy Central infinity times during my childhood.

13. Christmas Ape — Maria Bamford

Sometimes I need somebody to rap at me about depression in a funny way.

14. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — John Mulaney

If only because I live like a mile from the Salt and Pepper Diner

15. Old James — Kyle Kinane

His standup runs the gamut, and does a pretty thorough job of covering the types of things me and my buddies talk about over email all day. Adulthood, career aspirations, putting Twizzlers up your butthole.

16. PFT Commenter — Larry the Cable Guy

You know how they play muzak versions of nickelback in grocery stores,? they play larry the cable guy bits read by Eric Church in cabelas.

17. Johnny Sugar — Eugene Mirman

I’m pretty sure he invented Weird Twitter (in spirit anyway).

18. Spilly — Eddie Izzard

If you enjoy fast paced esoteric jokes about European history, along with nearly confusing back-and-forth one man dialog skits, this is your comedian.

19. David Rappoccio — Jim Jefferies

He’s pretty crude but his bit on Gun Control remains one of my favorite stand up bits of all time

20. Trevor Risk — Lachlan Patterson

He once asked a girl in the audience what kind of pet she had and when she said “a turtle” he responded with “that’s not a pet, that’s just something you captured.”

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