KSK Mock Draft: Movies we wish we could unsee

05.30.14 3 years ago 648 Comments


This week we’re drafting movies that we wish we had never seen in the first place. This could be a great opportunity for you to select your ex’s new sextape or really anything by Woody Allen (FLAME WAR!!!). KSK welcomes Dave Rappoccio to our mock draft for the first time this year, and if we’re being totally honest, he probably won.

The draft will be two rounds again and then it’s up to the komment section to take it through the afternoon.

NOTE: If you choose “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” as the memory that you would like to forget it will make our heads explode, so please don’t do that.

Alright then, with the first overall pick in the 2014 Movie I’d want to unwatch draft, I Dave Rappoccio select Blake Bortle…I mean Spice World

I was 10 years old. I was visiting my cousin’s house. My cousin was also 10 and completely into the Spice Girls like every girl her age, as well as her little sister. The parents shuffled the kids off into the TV den so they could talk about “adult stuff” and keep us occupied. I wanted to watch The Lion King. I was overruled. For the next hour an a half I was assaulted by manufactured pop music garbage by stupidly dressed British ladies who sounded like what would happen if you put a cat in a blender next to a malfunctioning microphone. It was 93 minutes of pure hell that may be illegal in some states now. Texas uses the movie as capital punishment.

2. Eric Sollenberger selects – Anchorman

If I had never seen Anchorman I would just assume that people telling each other to “stay classy” and to “not act like you’re not impressed” was simply another peculiar quirk of the English language, and not a society filled with people co-opting medium-funny lines from a pretty funny movie to help make a serious argument about something.

Anchorman was a pretty good movie, but its good qualities are outweighed by like a million times by all the annoying references people make to it.

3. Sarah Sprague selects – Watchmen

Nothing aggravates a huge core of comic fans like saying you don’t like Alan Moore’s work, and nothing aggravates fanboys like saying you don’t like Zach Snyder who has not once in his entire career put a likable or even heroic female on screen. Put the them together and you’ve got two of my least favorite creators ever to walk this earth, but that’s not my problem with seeing the movie. WATCHMEN as an adaptation was supposed to turn my views about the both of them around but all it did was crystalize my dislike for the duo; Moore for the material and Snyder for his slavish devotion to an exact replication of the graphic novel. Why do I wish I had never seen it? So I wouldn’t have to get into geek arguments over why I thought it was awful. Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “Oh? ANCHORMAN 3? Didn’t see it.”

And don’t get me started on the Leonard Cohen “Hallelujah” musical cue.

4. Big Sandy selects – Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Fuck clowns

5. PFT Commenter selects – Loose Change

Ever since I watch Lose Change my life has been totally different and sometimes I think it would be less tiring to just be a Sheeple. Smh. Tough too be a freedom fighter.

6. Trevor Risk selects – The Fly

The original with Vincent Price is incredible, and actually frightens me to watch it. And listen, Cronenberg’s remake is just as good, but it’s disgusting. I’m glad I saw it, but I don’t ever wanna see it again. I feel like the casting went like this:
Hollywood jerkoff number one: “Hey, do we know anyone who could easily look greasy through an entire film, and the viewer wouldn’t just accept but EXPECT coarse, thick, black hair to periodically grow out of?”

Everyone in the room: “GOLDBLUM”

The film ends (spoilers for anyone who doesn’t watch cable on Saturday afternoons) with some guy in the corner in physical shock because his foot and hand have been fly barf-singed off, Goldblum has accidentally transformed from Brundlefly to Brundlevacuumfly, and gets a hysterical Gina Davis (who should always act opposite Goldblum, e.g. Transylvania 6-5000) to blow his head off with a shotgun. Roll credits: “Directed by David Cronenberg”. Gross. All of it.

7. Johnny Sugar selects – The Fifth Estate

Saw this in October and was pretty disappointed. I have no idea who this movie was made for – it seemed like they were going out of their way to please absolutely no one. Basically, Julian Assange is a huge sanctimonious asshole, but the movie almost completely ignores the sexual assault charges against him. Plus, it takes on one of the bigger subjects of the past decade, and really makes no meaningful statement about it whatsoever. Huge waste of time. Benedict Charlie Batch was pretty good, though.

8. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – The Dark Knight Rises

I loved this movie. I thought that despite the fairy-tale ending, it was very well made, and was a fitting end to perhaps the best series of big-screen batman adaptations ever. But had I not seen it, I would not have had to defend my love of this movie to the scores of angry nerds that, for some reason, hated it. I have spent way too much of my life arguing that The Joker is a woefully boring character, and though Heath Ledger’s performance was amazing, at the end of the day, The Dark Knight Rises was a worthy follow-up. I want those moments back.

9. Christmas Ape selects – Star Wars Episode 1

The other two prequels sucks, but other than the last 15 minutes, this one is by far the worst and most plodding.

Remember when Roger Ebert gave it three and a half stars? Never forgave him for that.

10. StuScottBooyahs selects – The Ring

I remember seeing it in theaters. That was not good for my dreams.

11. StuScottBooyahs selects-Any Adam Sandler movie. I can only pick just one? Fine. “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” it is.

12. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Swimfan

Back in high school, I went to the AMC cineplex at Mazza Gallerie in DC to see XXX with a girl I had a crush on. I thought it was a date. It wasn’t. She had invited all her cool kid friends (I was not a cool kid) and within 5 minutes of the movie starting, had convinced everyone to hop across the hallway to see Swimfan. Being an idiot, I followed everyone else, thinking I still had a chance with this girl. So not only did I have to sit through 2 hours of one of the fucking worst movies I had ever seen in theaters while trying desperately to get the attention of this girl, I had to do so with the knowledge that I was missing out on Vin Diesel crashing cars and blowing shit up right across the hall.

No girl is worth having to watch Swimfan.

13. Christmas Ape selects – Crash

The movie that made me end my stupid completist habit of watching all the Best Picture nominees each year (that didn’t help when they expanded the field to 10) compounded by the fact that it won.

14. Johnny Sugar selects – Stop Loss

Ok, this movie is why people from the Bible Belt hates Hollywood, and are actually fairly justified in doing so. It takes on a genuinely important subject – soliders being sent back to war after being told they were going home for good – and is so goddamn overeager and sanctimonious that the message is completely ruined. So, when Ryan Philippe’s character – or Channing Tatum’s, I can’t remember – gets stop-lossed he says “fuck the president” to his commanding officer. Never mind that he’d probably get arrested for doing that in real life, this movie wants you to know just how much it hates Bush, even though that should be obvious from the content. But the worst part is Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character, who has PTSD. First, he confronts a guy in a bar about hitting on his girlfriend, then when the fairly drunk guy says “ok, you’re the hero,” JGL punches him BECAUSE HE DOESN’T THINK HE’S A HERO AND BEING CALLED ONE INSULTS HIM MORE THAN THE GUY TRYNG TO FUCK HIS GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE WAR IS BAD AND IT CHANGED HIM. Every scene in this movie is so clearly trying to make you feel a certain way that you end up feeling nothing except resentment towards everyone who main this shitty, condescending movie.

Oh, and at one point JGL’s character plays “Courtesy Of The Red White & Blue” on his acoustic guitar, because it’s not like subtlety is taught in film school or anything.

15. Trevor Risk selects – Donnie Darko

Fuck this stupid movie right in its ugly rabbit mask eyeholes. If you type it into Google, the first thing that comes up is “Donnie Darko explained”. You need to explain a movie about teens seeing through fucking time or whatever? You really nailed it, “director I don’t care to even look up your name for fear of tormenting you on Twitter for the next fourteen years”. Oh, but while we’re speaking, you pretentious dildo, it’s bad enough when a film stops in the middle to make a music video, but you actually did it TWICE. Once during that hallway scene where the bully is snorting blow out of his locker or whatever, and once with that dumb “Mad World” song where everyone is sad that notoriously ugly-hot Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brother is dead. The movie is set in 1988, but we’re expected to believe that a bunch of bratty teens are having a house party and listening to “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division? More likely would be something off Slippery When Wet or if you wanted a song that was weird but at least timely you could have used by Prefab Sprout, but you didn’t and Spaced used it instead and that was rad. Oh, and that line where Donnie Darko makes whatshermuff feel dumb by explaining that antiseptics is the most important invention ever? Glad you got that from your grade eight teacher or from an Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. That was a super relevant moment that made us all think about our lives. You cock.

16. PFT Commenter selects – Remember the Titans

Started out fanstastic. Really disapointed with the rest.

17. Big Sandy selects – The Pink Panther/The Pink Panther 2 – Remake editions

You’d think someone like Steve Martin could liven up a remake of the Peter Sellers vehicle and pull it off. NOPE. It was a vicious reminder that, since Leap of Faith, Steve Martin’s film output has been uneven at best. ‘Bowfinger’ is the only GOOD (arguably GREAT) Steve Martin performance since then thought one could argue Shopgirl (his small role in Baby Mama was fun but that was, again, just a small role). Sgt Bilko, Bringing Down the House, Cheaper by the Dozen (and its sequel) are enough to make me wish Martin had hung it up almost 25 years ago and not sullied his reputation. It’s always sad to see your idols retire but it’s even worse to see them mar a once-sterling career.

18. Sarah Sprague- I was going to pick IRREVERSIBLE (no explanation needed) but then I remembered the movie that left me with the darkest, most brutal sense of emptiness in my entire life: the French film MARTYRS.

Woman is brutally broken down and beaten, starved, robbed of nearly all life, and eventually flayed alive to reach the edge of death so she can tell a group of rich people who have sponsored theses experiments (she makes it further than all of the girls before her) for years to finally see what the afterlife is going to be like.

Fucking French, man.

19. Eric Sollenberger selects – Two Girls, One Cup

Surprisingly, watching people crap into each other’s mouths is a big regret of mine.

20. Dave Rappoccio selects – Garden State

ed: steal of the draft

Garden State is every indie movie stereotype in one film and it sucks. Zach Braff spends two hours patting himself on the back for how hip and with it he thinks he is, Natalie Portman plays the super irritating pixie dream girl who just knows everything about how to wake up and know yourself and is just so deeeeeep and wise. The soundtrack is based entirely around pretentious indie songs to show how un-mainstream Zach Braff totally is. At one point they yell at garbage.

Honestly it would be a mostly forgettable movie without the fanbase though. All the young indie folk who don’t actually understand how the world works worship this dump, and the movie started a trend of indie movies made in the same vein and style. People like this infect film school, I went to film school, was forced to watch this in film school by these people, and now I don’t talk with many of those people.

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