This week we drafted NFL announcers, analysts, and reports that we would banish from television forever. Draftees must be regular on-air talent for FOX, CBS, NBC, NFLN, or ESPN. Ufford leads us off, with the rest coming after the jump. Add your picks in the comments.
1. Caveman – Al Michaels
Yes, there are MUCH worse announcers. True, no one is quite as unbearable as Theismann. But I don’t often watch what few games Theismann calls, whereas I have to deal with Al Michaels saying “New Orly-ins” on every NBC broadcast. It drives me insane with rage. Everyone else in America calls it either “New OR-lins” or “New Or-LEANS”, but Michaels has this third pronunciation that he apparently made up. Think about that for a second: there are twice as many correct ways to pronounce New Orleans than any other American city, and Michaels STILL gets it wrong. How the fuck has no one corrected him on this? It would be like saying “San Frank-isco.” GAHHHHH FUCK YOU AL MICHAELS.
2. Flubby – Tony Siragusa
What I want to do whenever I hear the phrase “Moose & Goose”…
3. Punte – Tony Kornheiser
Just to be sure.
This isn’t ‘nam, Josh. There are rules.
4. Maj – Joe Buck
Paul Rudd’s friend is a douchebag. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch him slip out of the first round. Not on my watch. No sir.
5. Ape – Matt Millen
There are other obnoxious on-air fixtures who occupy more prominent places in NFL media, and thus cause greater overall damage to the nation’s minds, but no one is actually more worthy of being dismissed from the airwaves forever than Millen. Not only is he a proven failure as an evaluator of talent and strategy with no business telling us what we should think about the game, but he uses every opportunity doing play-by-play to praise his former lackeys and any motherfucker who ever attended Penn State.
6. Drew – Chris Berman
Fucking Berman. He’s fucking horrible.
Ape: It was hard not to take Berman, but I had to make sure Millen went in the first round.
7. Drew – Terry Bradshaw
50% less cackling on the airwaves.
8. Ape – Dan Dierdorf
“Tim Tebow is a big bad stud oozing with determination. If I’m the Denver Broncos, I clear space on my Ring on Honor. Heck, I change it to the Ring of Tebow tomorrow. Who knew heaven was only a mile high?”
[Thrown into exploding Japanese nuclear reactor]
9. Maj – Joe Theismann
Like Matt said, nobody is quite as unbearable as Joe. The difference is that I’m exposed to him quite a bit in the local market.
10. Punte – Peter King
He’s still on the board? I believe the term is YOINK.
11. Flubby – Shannon Sharpe
I’d rather watch Subway commercials than flip to The NFL Today.
12. Caveman – Mike Florio
Just because there’s no one else in any of the booths that truly irritates me.
13. Caveman – Andrea Kremer
I don’t like being so callously shallow, but that face has gotta be retired.
14. Flubby – Tony Dungy
I’M SICKA THE HIGH HAT!
15. Punte – Merrill Hoge
Maybe he can take some time off and learn how to read a third time.
16. Maj – Tim Ryan
It’s a shame I can’t take Sam Rosen as well. As far as I’m concerned this is the worst pair in the business. I swear they called half of Washington’s games last year. Or maybe it just felt that way. Either way, the Redskins probably didn’t deserve better. Ryan hasn’t quite reached Bill Maas levels, but he comes closer than anyone.
17. Ape – Steve Mariucci
The weak link in otherwise good NFL Network studio shows.
18. Drew – PICK VACATED
UPDATE: DREW TAKES SCHLERETH. So if you drafted him in the comments it no longer counts. Feels pretty shit, doesn’t it?
@drewmagary: Happiness is eating alone in a Five Guys.