St. Patrick’s Day is less than a week away. It remains, for many people, an invitation to get utterly shitfaced. But the day itself is not without its annoyances. Here’s what we would do if we had the power to make the best drinking weekday a little bit better for everyone.
The premise. You are the head of state in your own city or town, and you have the ability to pass and enforce ONE law that will be in effect for St. Patrick’s day ONLY.
The draft order. Matt. Jack. Josh. Mike. flub. Drew. Falco.
Off we go.
Matt:This is actually a lot harder than I thought. I want it to be easier for me to get drunk while limiting the drunken jackassery of other males.
1. MATT. Okay, I’ve got it: March 17th officially a holiday.
I work on St. Patrick’s Day like every fucking year because I don’t get personal days. On my watch, all businesses except for bars and restaurants will be closed. That’s all I want. I don’t care about mandating that chicks dress slutty or enforcing a day-long curfew for college kids and fat people: I just want the day off.
2. JACK. A ban on any shitty macrobrew dyed green.
Quit being a bitch and pick up a real Irish beer like Smithwicks or a decent American alternative. I could possibly be persuaded to make an exception for frat houses.
Josh: I wish Matt could have given us March 18th off. Sadly, the rules don’t provide that option.
3. JOSH. No green? No admittance.
You don’t own ANYTHING green? Go home and find something, because you won’t be drinking here. And I mean fucking GREEN. Not seafoam or teal or turquoise. Don’t decide to go out on amateur night and then act like you’re too cool to observe the dress code.
4. MIKE. Police ordered to fire on anyone heard saying Erin Go Bragh
Glad you learned one Gaelic phrase, the meaning of which you’re unclear on. Oh, and now you’re said it 30 times in the last hour. Please headbutt this bullet.
5. FLUB. No Guinness in a frosted glass.
Ought to be in the Constitution.
6. DREW. All open container laws lifted
Just, for once, let me drink in the fucking street.
St. Patrick’s Day is one of my favorite holidays, but it could be safer for motorists. Therefore, I would pass a one day law only law requiring mandatory DUI police roadblocks every half mile within city limits. Safe is fun, people.
Last year on St. Patrick’s Day night, Turner Classic Movies was showing Serpico! HELLO??? New law: Turner Classic Movies has to show Angela’s Ashes on St. Patty’s Day. Or The Commitments. Anything with Colm Meany is a hoot.
9. DREW. Federal funding used to give Shane McGowan proper set of teeth
10. FLUB. No. House. Of. Pain.
11. MIKE. Any McDonalds that doesn’t carry the Shamrock Shake is stripped of its business license
There are more that don’t than you’d like to think.
Jack: “I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!”
12. JOSH. Sex in the champagne room.
Once a year won’t hurt anyone. Probably. Maybe.
13. JACK. Fake Irish accents. They’re fucking annoying, so they’ve got to go.
14. MATT. Actually, I think “TITS OR GTFO” is a pretty good way to end the draft.