In honor of the coming cicada horrors (where some of us live, at least), we are going to draft bugs that we would eliminate. They can be the kind of insects that cause daily irritation, or the types of creepy crawly bastards whose mere existence on this Earth makes us uncomfortable. And remember, some troublesome insects do offer benefits, so only draft bees if you hate honey, pollination and Blind Melon videos.
1. Drew – Cockroaches
No question. They are the fucking worst.
2. UM – Mosquitoes
Sure, it’s the noble move, what with these little fuckers killing 50 billion people a year. But to be honest, I probably would have taken cockroaches number one too. So don’t feel bad for being selfish, Drew.
3. Ape – Stink bugs
Probably gonna be as bad as the cicadas this year.
4. CC – Bed bugs
I’ve never had them, but the mere specter of their existence is enough to ruin hotels and movie theaters. “Oh, you’ve got bed bugs? You’ll have to just get rid of everything you own. Sorry!”
5. Sarah – Grease ants
Fuck those tiny ants. Once when I was about 12 they attacked my soda can without leaving a trail of
other ants, took a sip and got a giant mouthful of them AAAAAUUUUUSGHHHAAAAA
Ed. note: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
6. Flubby – Fleas
7. Flubby – Ticks
Because fuck Frontline, that’s why.
8. Sarah – Black Widows
Haven’t used the grill in awhile? Oh, there’s a black widow in there. Have sat on one of your garden chairs in a few days, better turn it over and remove the black widow. The light post up on the corner with base plate missing? Don’t let the dog get too close, you can see the black widow from here. Taking out the trash? Bring a flashlight to check the garbage can lid for black widows. Your bougainvillea? There’s about a twenty black widows in there, so have fun trimming that back.
9. CC – Horseflies / Deerflies
Fuck those aggressive dickheads.
10. Ape – Gnats
Ever run into a cloud of them? You’ll have fifty up your nose and in your eyeballs.
11. UM – House flies
They just annoy the shit out of me. They get in to your house, then can’t figure out how to get out. And you can’t enjoy a meal outside without them landing in your food and shitting their diseases all over the place.
12. Drew – Cave crickets
My feelings about them are well documented. KILL THEM ALL.
Draft recap: Honestly, we could have gone on for days. We got things off to a good start, but barely even scratched the surface. Not a single spider was taken, and you can tell by our picks that none of us have had to deal with termite damage before. Make your picks in the comments.