KSK Mock Draft: These Are Our Countries, Rd. 1

03.23.07 11 years ago 53 Comments

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP. Serpentine format.

Round 1

CC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! So nervous! Want to get best countries!

Drew: See, this is tough: do you pick a country you want to enjoy, or one you want to ruin?

MMP: A little from Column A, a little from Column B.

Ape: 1. Brazil.

Militarily and economically, they’re no great shakes. But I’ll control a clear majority of the world’s hot women. It’s South America, so the weather is always nice and the country is accustomed to corruption. People won’t nuke me because I have the Amazon. Bonus: Blanka as a personal body guard (or some Amazonians). And maybe someone there can teach me how to dance.

CC: There goes Oden. Let’s see if UM picks Durant.

UM: I don’t get it, a country we want to rule for whatever reason?

Ape: Now you’re on the trolley.

UM: 2. Japan.

Sexy subservient women and nobody calling me short. Did I do that right or have I already lost?

Ape: You fool! Japan is full of Japs!

CC: 3. Australia.

The Durant to Brazil’s Oden. They speak English, but with a sexy accent. Lots of hot women, surfing, and a culture that makes cold beer a priority.

UM: Aussies are stupid and their boot-related traditions are archaic.

Drew: 4. Italy.

I need a low maintenance country, and Italy hasn’t had a functional
government for ages and still does just fine. Plus this scores huge
bonus points with the ladies. Lots of good wine, pasta, and sexy
Italian eye candy.

You get brunettes in the South, blondes in the
North. Plus, I can pass a law that decrees that any grown Italian man
still living with his mother is a pussy. Oh, and I’d have all the
priests castrated.

UM: Germany for the first round Axis sweep?

Ape: Don’t put it past Punter. He likes those schiesse films [I have no idea what that word means –Ed.].

UM: I take it we’re limiting this to current countries, so I can’t go and draft the Roman Empire? What about pricipalities?

Drew: Only current nations. If by principalities, you mean the Vatican or
something, I think that’s still okay.

UM: So now it’s a race to take Minerva!

Ape: I can’t believe Unsilent passed on the Nation of Domination.

Drew: There’s a picture of Paris Hilton blowing Cee Lo on wwtdd.com. Crazy? Possibly.

UM: Is it legit? My work computer has something against wwtdd.

Drew: Looked pretty legit to me.

flub: “Only thing that could bring it back alive, woman. Is some good, good head”- Cee-Lo

flub: 5. St. Maarten

has everything I will ever need. Gorgeous beaches (some nude), casinos and French restaurants. The only true duty free ports in the Western Hemisphere means tons of cheap shit especially designer clothes (for chicks and Ufford), booze (for me), and jewelry (for Unsilent Bling Majority).

When you’re in the Caribbean (at least outside the squalor of the DR or Haiti) it’s hard to get to worked up over anything. They drink this stuff called Guavaberry down there. I don’t know much about it except that it is the bomb.com with Orangina and lots of ice. If had “fuck you” money I would move down there in an instant. They even have WGN down there, I can watch the Cubs. Come to think of it, why am I not there right now?

UM: First act as new leader of St. Maarten…do something about that spelling.

Ape: St. JaMaarten.

flub: As a matter of principal, I eschew the frog spelling of the island.

Ape: Lazarus Hilton?

UM: St. JaMaarten! +1,000; Lazarus Hilton? -999

Ape: I’m still in the black.


MMP: The first of my two selections:

MMP: 6. China

They have Wal-Mart, yet they are still communist. They are a rising economic power. They have nukes. They eat dogs and cats. They have over a billion people. They name their years after animals. And if you don’t have the money to fly, you can always dig there.

UM: Yeah, but the sideways vaginas still weird me out.

Coming Up: Round 2

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