Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.
The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Banat). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.
The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.
Countries already off the board: Brazil, Japan, Australia, Italy, St. Maarten, China, Sweden, Lesotho, The UK, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Israel.
UM: Earlier when I asked if we could take principalities and sovereign states Drew assumed I was going to take the Vatican. Granted I love the power and influence, but I just don’t need all of those Catholic headaches. I must admit, the infallibility makes me a bit giddy. This is the only principality that entices me.
UM: 13. Monaco
So many reasons, I should have taken it number one.
A beautiful crop of land on the French Riviera and it’s not French…sign me up! They’re tiny and they don’t get involved in conflicts. That’s good, I’m fucking sick of international drama. Monaco just chills by the water doing its thing while all of the millionaires stream through. And for every shark-like millionaire you’ve got dozens of sexy scavenger fish from all over the world.
It’s tiny and it doesn’t wield power but it might just be the coolest place in the world. It’s fully stocked with beauty and wealth from all parts of the globe. Monte Carlo rules. I’ll write up a better reasoning later.
Drew: Terrible pick. You may as well pick gonorrhea. It’s less problematic.
MMP: No, to pick gonorrhea, you have to wait your turn.
Ape: It was still my pick, UM.
UM: Oh fuck. I thought you already went twice. I blame the hash.
Ape: Drew is doing nothing but taking Old Europe countries. That’s the Norv
Turner all chalk route. You might as well take France next.
Ape: Actual No. 13. Russia
I got tropical hotness, then global influence and military might. Now
I’m consolidating my power with land and money. Russia, though not the
superpower it once was, is still a G8 nation with a ton of oil money.
It’s cold as fuck so I probably won’t be spending much time there, but
I’ll take all the nice vodka they make.
CC: Ape, you really should have taken Monaco out of spite. I assume UM’s sticking with Monaco at 14, yes?
UM: Way to drop the ball, Ape. I mean Israel and Russia? That’s worse than me taking movie characters who die. Besides, I’ll be chilling on the beach while sipping on the very same vodka.
Ape: Not when I control the country, you won’t.
UM: Oh well. I like Ciroc and Grey Goose just fine.
Ape: And way to take a big chunk of desert full of people who hate you, UM.
UM: It’s on the water, and I’ll just expel all the haters and replace them with tits.
Ape: Russia is strategic. Why do I need another tropical wonderland when I
have Brazil? You can go the Matt Millen route and take seven
receivers. I have a well-rounded squad.
UM: Please. Japan will crush you. Plus, I have more millionaires than you can count because of the whole “No income tax in Monaco” thing.
Ape: Japan? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?
CC: Okay girls, that’s enough bickering.
CC: 15. France.
Finally my years of French in high school and college become moderately useful.
Step 1 as owner of France: eliminate French.
Step 2: Begin rigorous euthanasia program.
I want to maintain the outstanding legacy of wine, cheese, and art while destroying the snooty pussy-dom. Because we all need a pet project. I figure France can practice by conquering Monaco. Those people are even bigger pussies than the French.
Honorable mention: Iraq. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to turn that shithole into a parking lot. I have no idea how that geographical toilet became the cradle of civilization. Nice sandstorms and 130-degree humidity, asses. Enjoy nuclear winter.
flub: Did you guys read [the steroids piece] from Chuck Klosterman today?
CC: Klosterman totally would have picked Canada and given a shitty explanation for it.
UM: Ufford is France which means he’s entitled to protect me as Monaco. Always good to have your back covered by a Marine.
[The group]: …
UM: My sentences make sense when I type them. I swear.
Ape: Drew’s on the clock, then flubby and Punter.
UM: Ape’s in a hurry to take Khazakstan in free agency.
Drew: And the Balkans!
Ape: I get a supplemental pick for all your bitching.
UM: Feel free to supplement your picks with places that don’t suck.
Drew: 16. Mexico
First thing I do is round up all the tourists in Cancun and have them
murdered. Next thing I do is eat a flauta and get me a suntan.
flub: I won a free yard of Dos Equis at Senor Frog’s in Cancun. It took me five minutes to work up the nerve to admit to the DJ I knew the name of the lead singer of Loverboy, but my thirst finally won out. Going to Mexico in late July is not among the wisest decisions I have ever made. Shit was hotter than the sun.
UM: Try going to the Bahamas at the end of august. My mom was never that sharp.
flub: I imagine you get some really good rates during hurricane season.
MMP: I’ll make a mental note of that.
Ape: Drew lays into Israel but then takes Mexico? You should have just taken Sudan.
flub: 17. Luxembourg.
It’s small enough that I think I could run the whole place single-handedly. Then I would surround the entire country with a big velvet rope and tell the Euro-trash to keep the fuck out.
MMP: Motherfucker, I was gonna take Luxembourg. It has the world’s higest GDP per capita.
Ape: Jersey has the highest per capita income in the U.S. and I don’t think
that would be taken in a state draft.
MMP: Ape, Infoplease would like to have a word with you.
UM: Even though we’re not a state, DC owns!
Ape: Fine, Jersey’s only third. Screw Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me for saying different.
MMP: 18. Cuba.
Then I would buy the Marlins and move them there. Fidel would sit in the dugout until his death, whilest I drank rum and diets from behind home plate. I needed a token hotspot, and this ties in nicely with the boner I have for communist reform. Plus, Cuba will make a decent staging area for the 250,000 Chinese troops I’m about to send over to St. Maarten.