I’ve never met a man who hated commercials more than my Grandfather. I don’t know how, but he somehow thought that the commercials were more annoying than the sound of Skip Caray’s voice, and so when we were watching Braves games he would mute the TV every time they cut away. As he got older he got slower to remember to un-mute it when the game returned, and sometimes we would get through a full inning without him realizing that he forgot to turn the sound back on. This man hated commercials.
In this spirit, we’re drafting the worst commercials we’ve ever seen. While you could make a strong case that any ad featuring “Pitbull” is a real good way to use a draft pick, we’re going beyond the realm of Bud Light and Pepsi and digging deep into some of the best reasons to fire up your muting thumb or leaving to take a leak and check your phone. We missed out on a lot of terrible commercials (fanta/six flag guy etc.) so make your picks in the komments.
1. PFT Commenter selects- Flo from Progressive
She lives in a world thats allwhite which can have its advantages not in a racist way, but shes also selling a product that I will never buy. WHat percentage of NFL fans keep up to date car insurance any ways? 6% 8% tops? Yet shes still all over my friends TV during every game smh. Plus the name worries me. Why isnt there a CONSERVATIVE car insurance company that makes you earn your deductable through building your own car and doing your own
2. Big Sandy selects- Eagle Man
Local to Chicago but known nationally thanks to late night tv, haunting commercial breaks during Cubs and Bulls game throughout the years. It’s batshit crazy and subsequent commercials didn’t make it less crazy. See you in my nightmares.
3. Trevor Risk selects- Pittsburgh Penguins BMW ads
Maxime Talbot inducing all the cringes ever, until Sergei Gonchar starts talking. Then you realize there were cringe muscles in your face you never knew about.
4. Eric Sollenberger selects- every single goddamn Anchorman 2 commercial.
This includes ads for the movie itself and also for whatever products Ron Burgandy was shilling for including Buick, pizza, brake calipers, ESPN, or whatever else they thought would be a good idea at the time. I got so burnt out on Anchorman 2 before it even hit theaters that I never saw it and probably never will. Great job fellas.
5. Johnny Sugar selects- Those “we treat you like you’d tret you” Discover Card commercials
I can’t figure out if the characters in each one are supposed to be twins or clones and it’s really fucking with my head.
6. Christmas Ape selects- The current marionette DirecTV ads
Especially the one where the wife dances for the husband in the bedroom.
7. StuScottBooyahs selects- The Spongmonkeys from Quiznos, circa 2004
One of the first of many, many subsequent attempts by corporations to take a stab at the magic of viral videos and turn an already annoying meme into an excruciatingly annoying meme. It’s the corporate equivalent of a dad turning his hat backward and going to a concert so his son will finally think he’s cool.
8. Dave Rappoccio selects- Literally any commercial by GoDaddy (Attached is how I always saw the logo)
The only time I’ve seen people actually get turned off by commercials blatantly trying to turn people on and get them to visit their website. Does anyone even fall for the “Visit our site to see more?” crap? It doesn’t help their image that they are putting out almost pornographic commercials but their logo looks like a perverted smelly guy who winks at you as drawn by an 8th grader with an unfortunate home life
9. Old James selects- The Windows 95 commercials
They ran these fuckers during every single commercial break in the pre-DVR days of 1995. Which instilled in me a Pavlovian reaction to hate an otherwise bitchin’ Rolling Stones song due to overexposure. Which is unfortunate, because they play that very same song every time the Chiefs kick off.
10. Sarah Sprague selects- Head On
11. Sarah Sprague selects- Any of the ten thousand Chevy “This is our Truck” ads
12. Old James selects- Anything narrated by Jim Nantz
Just go sit on a 9 iron already.
13. Dave Rappoccio selects- SAVED
14. StuScottBooyahs selects- HUMP DAAAAAAAAAAAY
Geico has had a great history with commercials — the first cavemen ads were amazing. And now, they’re doing this shit.
15. Christmas Ape selects- The J.G. Wentworth opera commercial
It’s both annoying and pushing a predatory lender.
16. Johnny Sugar selects- “Today, the world is pretty sad……” “…but there are great things, too!” Honda commercials.
Is the world pretty sad or isn’t it? I need to know?!
17. Eric Sollenberger selects- Jason Campbell’s GEICO commercials
They might have been performance art given how they were everywhere and they appeared to have no message or joke at all at any point.
18. Trevor Risk selects- E Trade baby.
Pete Holmes is easily in my top three contemporary comics, but seeing someone use a CGI baby to sell something just brings up bad memories of a time when Ally McBeal was popular.
19. Big Sandy selects- The new Cadillac commercial with Neal McDonough.
I usually like him as an actor – Justified! Band of Brothers! – but this slice of eye rolling, cringe inducing American exceptionalism comes off only tone deaf to the income inequality in the country as well as making Americans look like assholes.
20. PFT Commenter selects- Obama’s campaign
Hows that hopey changy stuff workin out for ya? Yeah thats what I thought.