Today we’re proud to re-introduce you to our own special version of the much ballyhooed mock-draft season. In the weeks leading up to the NFL draft you will be besieged by meaningless predictions as to how things will play out in April. Some will come from reputable experts who might actually provide a hint of useful information while most will come from biased pricks with bad haircuts. We here at KSK would never imagine forcing such needless analysis on our beloved readers, so instead we offer our own variety of the mock draft every Friday leading up to the big day.
The topic of this off-season’s first mock draft is as deep as it is star-laden. The key terms here aren’t Upside Potential or Length, instead we focus on attributes like Fuckability and…uh, Fuckability. So now without further ado, we present the KSK Mock Draft: Who Would You Do, the movie character edition!
The rules are simple, draft a character from a movie, once the movie has been picked it is off limits and once an actress has been picked all of her other roles are off limits. Additionally, the character or actress must have been over the age of 18 at the time the movie was released :(
No porn allowed, and remember, you’re sleeping with the character (think one night only) and not the actress.
We drafted in the traditional serpentine fashion with the draft order as follows… Maj, Ufford, Flubby, Punter, Drew, and Ape (Drew would have gone last but he cried like a little girl separated from her mommy.
1. (UM) Nancy Callahan – Sin City
I’ll get things started with a character played by the most beautiful woman alive. She’s an innocent dancer with a heart of gold in a cruel and unforgiving world, and I’d like nothing more than to bang the shit out of her.
2. (Flub) Lacey Underall – Caddyshack
That’s a quality pick right there, I was foolish to hope she’d last longer.
3. (Uff) Rollergirl – Boogie Nights
Ufford: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it kills me not to take Scarlett.
The draft’s first shocker!
4. (MMP) Linda Barrett – Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Ufford calls the pick “savvy” and I all it “classic.” Then I start to think of Jimmy Kimmel and I get a little sick. Regardless, Judge Reinhold had the right idea and I like to think that he got a little piece of Phoebe Cates in between scenes.
5. (BDD) Nola Rice – Match Point
Drew: Easy pickins.
My draft board is in shambles and my pants are tightening by the minute.
We take a break here while waiting for Ape to show up. Apparently somebody forgot to tell Mr. Commuter that Adrian Fenty never promised to make the trains run on time.
Ufford: I have a Word Document and IMDb open. I forgot how consuming these drafts are.
Drew: It’s hard to ignore Jesssica alba, but Carla gugino is Sin City is just about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: If i wanted an old chick i’d pick Mrs. Robinson
Drew: We need about thirty rounds for this draft. I am trying to take a mental inventory of just how many times I masturbated to each of these characters.
6. (Ape) Catwoman – Catwoman
Ape: Okay, I’ll take the Halle Catwoman, then, y’know, for the jokes.
Insert cat joke here ________.
Insert Ufford’s righteous indignation at this lack of a joke here _______.
7. (Ape) Mikaela Banes – Transformers
Yep, that’s one sexy bitch.
8. (Drew) 8. The Girl In The Ferrari – Vacation
Drew: “Are you gonna go for it?” Why, yes. I believe I will.
Christie Brinkley really got jobbed out of the Oscar on this one.
9. (MMP) Mary Ann Lomax – The Devils’ Advocate
I like it when she starts turning into that other chick. It’s like fucking two at once! I also like the idea of fucking an MRF.
10. (Flub) Girl Washing Car – Cool Hand Luke.
Flubby: “That’s a Lucille, you mullet head! Any girl so innocent and built like that gotta be named Lucille.” – Dragline
Everyone: Awesome pick.
11. (Uff) Selene – Underworld
Bam Bam: BAM BAM! BAM!
12. (Me) Charlie Nicholson – High Fidelity
Ufford: Charlie was a snooty bitch.
Me: Charlie was a snooty bitch who was HOT AS SHIT!
13. (Me) Hannah Green – Wonder Boys
Before Scientology got their alien tentacles all over her Katie Holmes was right up there on my overall list with Alba, Berry, and Kournikova (hallowed territory to be sure). She showed the tits in The Gift but I’m a huge fan of Wonder Boys and something about that red-boot wearing literati really gets to me.
14. (Uff) Kelly Lanier Van Ryan – Wild Things
Ufford: Dump champagne on her huge tits and have a threesome? Don’t mind if I do.
Sure, if you’re in to that sort of thing.
15. (MMP) Nadia – American Pie
You want me jerk you off?
And all this time I thought Punter didn’t care for the foreigners.
16. (Flub) Cherry Darling – Planet Terror
Flubby: Because who hasn’t always wanted to do a chick with a machine gun/rocket launcher leg?
17. (Drew) Tracey – Bachelor Party
Drew: I had this movie on my VCR and wore out hte tape rewinding and jerking to this scene. sometimes I couldn’t finish in time, so I had to rewind with my dick in my hand. NSFW picture can be found here.
18. (Ape) Bai Ling – 2046
Saucy. Exotic. Scary?
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!
There are way too many honorable mentions to list them all here and frankly, we could have gone all night long. So feel free to add in your own picks in the comments.
Oh fuck it, here’s one (NSFW!) honorable mention…