An NFL Draft! Not sure I’m ready for this without another three-six weeks of baseless speculation and smokescreens. Ah well, we’ll just have to make do.
Pundit consensus is that this is the CRAY-ZA-ZIEST and most difficult to predict draft of all-time, so I think we shouldn’t have to settle for anything else than a dozen trades, three double-crosses and two little kids talking to John Cena in demon voice.
Things to watch for:
– This Johnny Football fella! From what I’ve heard, every NFL team is equally likely to draft and to pass on him.
– Ditto Teddy Bridgewater, but with slightly less remarks about glory boyism.
– Is this the year a draft pick finally punches Goodell instead of giving him dap? Probably not, but we remain hopeful.
– Blake Bortles Blake Bortles Blam Bumble Beats Bongo Boeuf Bonzer
– “Five years from now, we’re going to wonder how Sammy Watkins wasn’t the first pick in this draft”
– Jaguars fans with a huge turnout! All the better for horrified reaction shots if they take a lineman.
– Nolan Nawrocki announcing each pick by stating how many children they’ve had or relatives they’ve seen die.
– The Raiders’ pick spontaneously combusting as soon as they don the draft hat.
– Jon Gruden spending the whole night buried in his new Twitter account instead of talking to the camera.
– Many extravagant suits that I can’t pull off!
– Ha Ha Clinton-Dix already being suspended for something that looks like a joint sitting on hos couch. HA HA SMOKING SPLIFFS!