NFL players and owners are meeting again today for another round of tense collective bargaining negotiations. You’re probably bored with all the legalese coming out of these negotiations: “revenue sharing” and “escrows” and “Easterbrooks” and all those other horrible phrases. You’re not some lawyertician, dammit! You’re just a common fan! You drink beer and fingerblast women and stuff! You don’t have time for any of this mumbo jumbo! You just want someone to put this fight into plain English. Very plain English. Preferably restricted to one or two syllables per word.
Well, fear not. For we at KSK have sat in on a few rounds of these negotiations, and I dare say we can help give you a clear, concise idea of just the differences are between the NFL owners and players. Join me as I take you through… THE STICKING POINTS.
Sticking Point #1: Lunch
The owners want: Mangia.
The players want: Fuck that, man. PF Changs. Lettuce wraps, motherfucker. Lettuce wraps.
KSK’s proposed solution: Split the lunch money into a pool, with 45% going to the players and 55% going to the owners. If the lettuce wraps are proven as delicious as promised, the owners agree to flip that percentage on Thursday. If the owners can’t agree to that, then everyone is on their goddamn own for eating options. We’re going Monster Sushi. You with us?
Sticking Point #2: Hookers
The owners want: Asian. Asian hookers mean business. That appeals to the corporate mindset. (NOTE: Jerry Richardson asked for hookers under 15)
The players want: White women.
KSK’s proposed solution: South American hookers. Many of them have that nice dark complexion that you get with Asian hookers, but the ample backsides that so many of today’s players covet. Plus, many dye their hair blonde, so you get the thrill of nailing a white woman, but without all the pesky sexual inhibitions.
Sticking Point #3: “The King’s Speech”
The owners: Loved it.
The players: Holy fuck, that was boring.
KSK’s proposed solution: Let’s just agree that it was a nicely made film that catered to a more staid moviegoing audience. There’s no need to get snippy about it either way.
Sticking Point #4: Cats In The Conference Room
The owners: In favor. Dan Snyder never sits in on a bargaining session without his favorite stroking cat.
The players: Opposed. Cats are for bitches and shit.
KSK’s proposed solution: The owners should cave to the players on this matter. Having a cat in the room could violate numerous building ordinances. Also, cats are gay.
Sticking Point #5: 18 Games
The owners: In favor. Don’t you see? We’re just replacing two preseason games with two regular games. The number of games stays the same!
The players: Do you really think we’re that fucking stupid?
KSK’s proposed solution: We don’t give a shit. Just please, for the love of God, don’t do that thing we read about where they play sixteen regular season games but stretch out the season an extra two weeks (Adding extra bye weeks) to increase TV revenue. We’ll fucking die if you do that.
Sticking Point #6: Pluots
The owners: So wait, what’s this? It’s a plum? It looks like one of Saturn’s moons. We don’t like it.
The players: It’s a plum AND an apricot, and it’s delicious.
KSK’s proposed solution: We suggest the players cave to the owners. We do not care for hybrid fruits, which the notable exception of the Meyer Lemon.
Sticking Point #7: Owners In The Huddle
The owners: Oooh! Oooh! Can we can we can we?
The players: Fuck no.
KSK’s proposed solution: Give the owners their own outlined standing box on the sideline. The box should be six feet long and three feet deep, and it should come employed with a buzzer that the owner can use to signal to the FOX booth to let them know that they should close up on the owner, for he is most displeased.
Sticking Point #8: Concussions
The owners: Well, you were cool with them in our last agreement!
The players: We were?
The owners: Yes! Don’t you remember? And you said you wanted to buy us a new fireplace.
The players: Really?
The owners: Scout’s honor.
The players: Shit. We don’t remember that. No. We were too busy trying to dig the worms out of our eyes. Why is it so bright in here? Where are we?
KSK’s proposed solution: THE KELSO HELMET. BRING BACK THE KELSO HELMET, DAMMIT.
Sticking Point #9: Welker
The owners: You fellas should be more like him.
The players: The fuck does THAT mean?
KSK’s proposed solution: Yeah assholes, what the fuck does that mean?
As you can see, it’s quite a complex situation. We’re sure our readers can come up with more in the comments. Sit tight. It’s gonna be a long week.