10.16.14 3 years ago 108 Comments

This week Ufford and Trevor Risk double teamed the mailbag but didn’t make eye contact so it’s not weird. Apologies to any inquisitors who feel pulled in two different directions.

Dearest Neanderthal Officer,
How’s that whole life thing treating you? More importantly, how’s your fantasy season doing? I know that I, personally, derive almost all of my self-worth from this fucking emotional leech of a game. Hopefully you’re a little better adjusted.

Well, I’ve got the birth of my first child coming in the next few weeks, but a Seahawks loss still ruins my mood for 2-3 days. With any luck, the baby will rejigger my priorities, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’m a sick man.

Fantasy time: I’ve got an abundance of riches at WR and a serious drought at RB. I’m thinking of making an offer of K. Benjamin/Royal and Sankey for Shady. Would you take that trade?

Every trade is dependent on the needs of the person making it. I don’t know if I’d take that trade, but I think that it’s fair.

The only other trade I could make with a reasonable expectation of reciprocation would be one of the Thomas’s from Denver but that seems way too risky. Should I just sit pat and wait it out the next few weeks? I’m worried that Shady will turn it around and I’ll miss the buy-low period.

Go ahead and try to get Shady at a discount, but don’t give up Demaryius or Julius for him. You’re not in bad shape, and Sankey may yet turn into a viable fantasy play.

Relations time: My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me about a month ago within weeks of bringing up a marriage being on our immediate horizon.

Wait, so who brought up marriage? The sentence structure says she did, but the turn of events suggests you broached the subject.

She’s attending nursing school about an hour away and she dropped that truth bomb on me without any warning during one of my weekly visits. As in, we had just talked over the phone the night before and nary a word was said about any negative feelings in our relationship. I generally feel like I’m hanging from the thinnest of threads on a good day so this has been a tad rough. I’m trying to find a good counselor on my health plan but, more immediately, I’ve been trying to force myself to get out there and forget her.
I haven’t been single in 6 years and the two women I dated during that time are the only women I’ve ever been with. I didn’t even kiss a girl until the first one. I’ve been giving tinder a go but I have no fucking clue how this works. Half of the time it’s really boring small talk and the other half of the time we just exchange jargon and snark and I have no idea whether they’re interested or just jerking me around for a laugh.

I believe that’s called “dating.”

I’ve canceled a few meet ups as well because I start feeling extremely insecure and have little panic attacks that keep me at home. I’ve managed to get over the hump once and brought a girl back to my place and I’ve got a friends-with-benefits thing going on with another but I wind up feeling even worse after. Does this get any better? I’m 23, still squarely in my idiot phase, so I’m sure I’ll look back on this and realize what an overly dramatic cock I was. But, holy shit, this sucks. I can’t wait to see Rill’s taek on this weak shit. I really appreciate you reading through this way-too-long mopey bs.
Thanks for doing what you do,
Even the Saints want to hurt me

/Captain tags in Trevor Risk

Trevor Risk here, changing on the fly for Ufford. Well, at least you’re self aware enough to know that you’re in your 23 year old, shortsighted idiot phase. That’s half the battle! Admitting it is the first step, and since I said that first step is half the battle, then I guess by my math you only have one step left. I’ll go back and look at the numbers and get back to you.

Listen, there’s no pain like a breakup and by that I don’t mean that it’s the worst pain in the world (although it very well might be) but rather that there isn’t anything to compare it to. It feels like something different than pain you’ve experienced before, and you can’t draw experience from other heartbreak because even if you’ve been through it fifty times in your life, it still feels new. Ufford has that post-breakup guide of: Break contact, mourn, and rebuild, which is useful advice and I’m sure has worked for many of you in the past. I’d like to humbly suggestion some additions to that.

1. Don’t listen to pop music of any kind. Just listen to horrorcore rap or something that has equally as little feelings behind it. Same goes for television. Watch Seinfeld only. Seinfeld had a rule on set of “no hugging, no learning” which essentially, and thankfully crushed the “very special episode” out of sitcoms (until Louie brought it back).

2. Don’t surround yourself with people who tell you that she was a terrible person and that they never liked her and that you’re better without her. You’re either going to resent the person remedially sharing this nonsense with you, or you’re going to get so angry that you’ll never get over you’re ex, perpetually holding on to feelings. Remember, if you’re still angry you still care and you’ll never get over that.

3. Try not to drink too heavily if you’re a drinker. Drinking is like taking a holiday in that you should only take a holiday if you have the money, and you shouldn’t drink if you’re emotional bank account is overdrawn. Inebriants magnify things; so wait out getting ham-hosed at some college bar until you make completely certain that you won’t end up weeping in front of the bathroom’s condom machine.

You don’t sound like you’re truly interested in getting back out there, (especially if you’re having social anxiety) so no need to rush it. Eventually, you can go out without having to be on some woman-hunt, and frankly that’s actually the best way to heal your feelings on the opposite sex. See, if you’re just out at some function and you’re not overthinking how to pick up someone and fill that empty spot in your life, you’ll actually become more attractive to the room. People are into what retreats from them, and we can all smell desperation.

Hello Captain,

Sorry, you got the Canadian guy instead.

Fantasy: Standard league with .5 ppr. Running into issue of too many WR, not enough RBs. Who do you start, Brand Marshall (vs Mia), Steve Smith (vs Atl), Edelman (vs NYJ), or Sanu (@ IND)? RBs I am stuck with Gore (@ DEN) and Forsett (vs ATL) as I have Doug Martin (bye) and Spiller (vs MIN). And the fact I drafted Martin and traded for Spiller just makes them being on the bench that much more disappointing.

Just because I don’t take fantasy football seriously, doesn’t mean I don’t have good advice for you, although keep in mind that last time I did this, Ufford went back the next week to correct my answers. Apparently the idea of “HEY DRAFT ALL YOUR FAVOURITE TEAM’S PLAYERS BECAUSE THAT WAY IF THEY WIN YOU BOTH WIN!” isn’t really all that helpful of a concept to most of you. I’m gonna say start Marshall and Smith. Edelman seems like a jerk and Sanu should only get you points if he does that thing where he throws a touchdown to the ginger guy, and they already pulled that trick out this year.

Sex: No question on my end as wife is feeling better after having back surgery (at 27 yrs old) so she is getting healthy and back in the mood after half a year of nothing. But how would you suggest we get a friend to get active in the dating pool? In the group my wife and I hang out in, there are three married couples and 1 single guy. We have tried hooking him up but he is one of those shy until he gets to know you kind of guys. He is in mid 30s and never really had a girlfriend.
– Ibrahim Moizoos

There are a myriad of reasons a 30-year-old man has never really had a girlfriend, and if you don’t know what that reason is, it’s because he isn’t comfortable sharing it with you. Us married folk have this deep investment in getting the rest of the population married too so we have people to make fancy dinners for and play board games with.* Some people are just happy being single. I’m assuming he’s not active because he doesn’t want to be, or because he’s frightened, so don’t be that bully who drags him into a hollow dating scene, or worse (because he’s shy) a punishing relationship where he has absolutely no say in what goes on. If he has told you he wants to get into the dating world, try not to set him up with people. There’s nothing much more crippling to a shy person who is about a decade behind most people in the romantic timeline than getting set up. Try taking him out places where singles are, and make it just the two of you so there isn’t the pressure of a married couples rooting section in the corner giving him giddy thumbs up when a woman lets him buy her a drink. God, we’re all such dorks.

*not actually my life… yet.

Hi Captain,
Just 2 quick fantasy questions today. I wrote in last month about my happy problem of having both Andrew Luck and Matt Ryan and I asked you for your thoughts on trading one of them.
You told me that it would be tough to trade either in a 10 team and you were very right. I did finally manage to swing what I’m still not sure is a good deal. Matt Ryan and Greg Olsen for Alshon Jeffery, leaving me with Delanie Walker as my TE. Can I be confident that Walker will be a consistent producer the rest of the year or should I be looking to flip some of my upside bench stashes Like Sammy Watkins or Odell Beckham for an upgrade? Also, just how worried should I be as a Megatron owner?
Why couldn’t Detroit F*&%ing sit Johnson two weeks ago

Tight ends are the worst part of fantasy football. I’m pretty sure that my thought process of “Well, Brandon Myers caught 80 with the Raiders last year, and the Giants always make stars out of their tight ends” last year, and subsequent failure of that logic is why I’ve got a team where I start Aaron Hernandez this year. I’ve become the Colonel Kurtz of fantasy football because of Brandon Myers. That’s pathetic. Delanie Walker will never be a consistent player for you, but neither will any TE really. I remember full stretches last year where men my age would weep because they were counting on Jimmy Graham to be their lead point getter, and he was just a decoy or a blocker those weeks. I say keep Watkins and Beckham because they will eventually become consistent producers.
Regarding Megatron and how worried you should be: On the worry scale of Alfred E. Neuman to Old Gill from the Simpsons, I’d say you’re about a Howard Hughes. Start jarring up that piss!

Dear Captain;
Football – Attached a screenshot of my roster to make this a bit easier. As you can see, I’m quite deep at WR and also set at RB assuming Jennings can come back healthy in a couple weeks. However my QB situation isn’t as rosy. Stafford looks awful without Megatron, and I hoped Eli could at least be serviceable until Calvin comes back but clearly on Sunday he was able to show he’s still Eli fucking Manning.
Another owner is desperate for RB help, and has offered me Cutler and Reggie Bush for Stafford and Jennings. I don’t think Cutler really offers enough of an upgrade to justify this trade, and the guy doesn’t really have anyone I want aside from Peyton Manning. I doubt he is willing to part with him (he’s also a Broncos fan) but does something like Stafford, Jennings, and one of Maclin/Hilton/Smith for Peyton and Reggie seem fair? Any of those 3 WRs would be upgrades for him.

I’m pretty happy with my team and not itching to make a trade, but if I can make an RB who is probably going to be out for 2 more weeks and then might be a question mark the rest of the season the centerpiece of a trade I’m happy to do it and I honestly think it would improve his team as well – not to mention the prospect of starting 3 Giants is fucking terrifying. Also, your opinion on which of my struggling QBs to start this week would be appreciated (assuming Megatron doesn’t play). Oh and I guess I should mention – 12 teams, non-ppr, standard scoring except 6pt pass TDs.

It’s up to your counterpart to decide what’s fair. Couldn’t hurt to just offer the trade. As much as I can’t stand the guy, if there’s a chance to get Peyton, you should do it. I also want you to go back and read when you typed “starting 3 Giants”. Now read it again. Now crotchet it on a pillow. Now bite that pillow. Now, do you really need me to answer that for you?

Sex – No real question but I guess since the season is coming I’ll ask you about something that happened last Halloween. Met a girl the weekend before Halloween last year. She wanted me to come home with her but said something like ‘I’m worried if I sleep with you I’ll never hear from you again’. I like to think I’m not a huge asshole and a pretty honest guy and I told her with all honesty I didn’t expect anything serious but I can at least promise she’d hear from me again. Now I DID go over to her place one more time after that a few days later, during which the subject of Halloween came up – we both had separate parties to go to, but she said jokingly ‘well let’s meet in my bed around 2 or 3am haha!’. Well, sure enough on Oct. 31 as the parties got started and she got drunker she started texting me asking what I was doing later. The thing is, I was hitting it off at my party with another girl who I had been chasing for a month or so. Now here comes the tricky part – it poured rain all night on Halloween, and due to costume complications, my phone ended up getting soaked and breaking. Apparently Blackberry doesn’t save contacts to SIM cards for some reason, and I couldn’t get a reply from them regarding how to recover my contacts (this was shortly after their bankruptcy or whatever), so I lost the first girls number. Also, due to water damage my screen was the first thing to go, so I could hear several incoming texts though I’ll never know from who or what they said, but it’s a fair guess some or all were from her. I don’t feel guilty about never seeing her again – we hooked up twice, we’re both adults, no biggie. But I did explicitly say I wasn’t going to just disappear, and then having not responded to her Halloween text(s) that’s exactly what I did. About a week and a half later I was able to get my contacts back, which led me to a dilemma – continue ignoring her and prove myself to be the asshole she feared, or text her 10 days later explaining the situation but also saying I don’t really want to see her again. It seemed kind of like a toss up so I chose option A since the truth sounds like bullshit anyways and is probably more hurtful. Would you have done it different? Also is texting her now to explain and apologize a terrible idea? Plenty of time has passed for her (justifiable) anger to cool off, and she’s probably going to be reminded of the whole situation with Halloween rolling around once again. Thoughts?

– Jackmerius Tacktheritrix

It’s usually good to make things right with the public at large. You could avoid being hunted down and skinned for man-meat.

You asked if I would have done it different. Well, first I wouldn’t have had a Blackberry, even though I am Canadian and one of our largest points of pride is that the President of your country carries one. You were having clearly casual encounters, so you don’t really owe anyone anything, but one thing you should think about is your reputation. I know that sounds infantile, but no matter what your age bracket, this is something you have to consider. When women have casual sex with men the vernacular we use is “she gave it up” or “she put out” whereas with men they get possessive language like “he got some”. This creates an immediate insinuation of shame with a lot of women, and it’s totally unfair, but you have to keep that in mind when you live this kind of lifestyle because women talk. Sometimes when you have a one night stand and you act like a dick about it later (ignoring the girl, feeding her a transparent line) the instant reaction is to gossip-shame you so she doesn’t feel like she “gave it up”, which again, is a stupid societal bias. You should be engaging and not act weird, but also have it be clear that you aren’t interested in a relationship, but not TOO CLEAR because there’s a real good chance that she doesn’t either and by assuming she does, you look like a complete dildo. It might be too late for you to patch this up with Girl X, but try and keep this kind of thing in mind going forward.

Fantasy Wise: After back-to-back losses for my squad, I find myself in a big matchup this week so I’m reaching out. Yes, I’ll be watching the War Room and Keepers!
Great! I’ll let Ufford know! (I’ve never actually ever spoken with him.)
I wanted to get your opinion on who to start in Week 7, Pick 2: Percy (@Stl), Roddy (@Bal), ODB (@Dal), Bishop Sankey(@Was). I assume Percy is a must-start, but, he has tore my heart out the past 2 weeks. #firetriplette I may end up in an Asylum if he has another down week. I’d love to get your Seattle hot takes.


I’m the O-D-B as you can see
Every eye, don’t you be watching me
I don’t want no problems cause I put you down
In the ground where you can not be found
I’m just dirt dog trying to make sum bunny
So give me my streaks and give me my honey

What I’m saying is start ODB. Harvin will probably be listed as doubtful with an “I dunno, I’m just not feeling up for it today”. As for Seattle hot takes, fuck that city. It’s the closest American city to me and I’m finished visiting it. The Seahawks fans are like new money: still eating sewage hot dogs and still screwing you on beer pours to save a dime. That stupid half-dome thing that the Seahawks play in pumps in crowd noise, and the overlays in between plays make it seem like you’re at a massive Christian EDM rave where grown men actually say “hashtag KAKAW”. So that’s my “Seattle hot take”.

Sex: While I just celebrated my one-year anniversary, I’m still at the age where a significant amount of my friends are getting engaged and married. As much as everyone gets bitter about having to go to weddings, the good news though is that along with weddings come bachelor parties! I had 16 guys at my own bachelor party, so that gives you an idea where the problem comes in, I have a uniquely close group of friends that I’ve known for 20+ years. By July of next year, there are potentially 8 bachelor parties I’ll be invited to. The other problem, is that I am a groomsman in several of the wedding parties, so, should I feel obligated to go to? Is there any logic or reasoning you use to determine whether or not to go to a bachelor party? I obviously WANT to go to as many as I can, but realistically and financially, it will be tough. I realize this is the ultimate first world problem.
emotionally abused by Percy Harvin

Only a total prick will guilt you for not being able to attend an event that celebrates them. This is something I’ve come to realize since becoming somewhat of an adult. If you’re not in a financial state to go to 8 bachelor parties, you’re not expected to go into crippling debt because of it, and I should hope that any man who feels close enough to you to make you a groomsman would understand that. It’s takes some real constipated thinking to go from being told a person can’t attend because of financial or professional obligations and turn that into “That’s it. Friendship off. He isn’t coming because he doesn’t care.” Any adult knows that you can’t count money and favours and gifts and try and match each other. It all comes out in the wash. I have friends who I rarely see who I would still consider to be part of my inner sanctum of guys I’d go to war with, and equally I see people seven times a week who could be getting a Nobel Prize in my building’s lobby and I’d still stay stuck to my sofa watching an episode of Night Gallery I’ve seen seven times before. Do your best to be there for your (curiously) massive group of guys you hang out with, but don’t go homeless because of it.

Around The Web