It’s Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Patriots:
“I don’t understand why more teams don’t try and deploy strobe lights to get Tedy Bruschi to seize up. Did you know strobe lights can cause stroke victims to relapse and foam at the mouth? I wish we had done thatâ€¦ The best way to limit Tom Brady’s effectiveness is to hit him early and often. Just kidding. You’re fucked no matter what you doâ€¦ I once saw Kyle Brady eat a Scotty Terrier he ran over with his pickup. Apparently, he does that sort of thing quite oftenâ€¦
“The key to the Patriots’ passing game isn’t Randy Moss. It’s Wes Welker. If you stop Welker, you limit Brady’s options AND you take the Pats’ fans out of the game, because it’s very bittersweet for them when a black player catches the ballâ€¦ Doesn’t Kevin Faulk remind you of Dallas Clark, the way he always gets first downs right when you think you’ve stopped them? Fucking Faulkâ€¦ Matt Cassel was Matt Leinart’s backup in college, which also meant he got all his backup tail at parties. And if there’s any place that has great second tier pussy, it’s USCâ€¦
“Logan Mankins has a cabin in the woods where he keeps an arsenal and canned goods that can last 100 men 100 days. I think he plans on killing lots of illegal immigrants when he retiresâ€¦ A lot of people think a cover 2 scheme will frustrate Randy Moss. But you know what really frustrates him? A woman with a sassy mouthâ€¦ I once saw Rodney Harrison help an old lady across the street, and then beat her to death with her own purseâ€¦
“Actually, all their defensive players are dirty. I once saw Vince Wilfork chew on a guy’s scrotumâ€¦ And I saw Richard Seymour fart in a guy’s earhole. Then he stabbed the guy in the heart with a letter opener he kept in his sock. The guy died on the fieldâ€¦ Brandon Meriweather says he plans to break all of Jerramy Stevens’ career raping recordsâ€¦ Junior Seau went through a painful divorce recently. Football is all he has left. That’s why I suggest intentionally injuring him in the first quarter and watching with glee as he realizes his life is now an empty vesselâ€¦ Mike Vrabel never learned to read at OSU and only responds to inquiries if they are put in football terminology. You can’t say, like, “Pass the milk” to him. You have to say “WHITE GALLON OUTPOUR!” if you want that shitâ€¦
“Larry Izzo makes supplemental income by letting rich men pee on himâ€¦ I saw Ty Warren once eat an entire Armani suitâ€¦ Adalius Thomas is their most versatile player, and not just one the field. He can cook, clean, paint, do woodwork, play the clarinet, and clean out his rectum with a pure apple cider vinegar enema, all in one dayâ€¦ Asante Samuel has a fondness for starting fires in closetsâ€¦ Bill Belichick has actually already scanned and memorized this scouting report.”
Thanks, Mr. scout man. Stay tuned for the Jints later in the week.