Former NFL offensive lineman Alan Faneca lost over one hundred pounds and competed in a marathon in New Orleans on Sunday and finished in under four hours. This, of course, prompted the KSK Kontributors to compare their own current athletic stations, and it wasn’t as sad as one would imagine coming from a group that pretty much spends their entire day heavy eye rolling at BuzzFeed from the safety of behind their respective computers.
Our hero, Christmas Ape, for instance, claimed he ran a marathon seven minutes quicker than Faneca which he then backed up with this image, and WITHOUT anyone saying “Pics or it didn’t happen,” which might be the worst slogan online, (although gaining ground on it is “Did you even read the article, or just the headline?)
After we all lined up to give Ape some hard ass slaps, RobotsFightingDinosaurs claimed to still workout to some weird Canadian workout podcast (although that Chad VanGaalen song never gets tiresome) and we decided to compile you a workout playlist, in case you’re still fooling yourself that 2014 is the year you get a body like Russell Brand (because his seems achievable, right?). Not sure any of these songs are the kind of thing Faneca worked out to though. In the interest of full prejudice based on his looks, he probably pumped Blues Traveler’s greatest hits.
LCD Soundsystem – “45:33”
This song was literally made for working out to. Seriously, Nike commissioned James Murphy to create this so they could market it as the perfect tempo and length for a cardio workout, which is why we don’t have to pay attention to any of the current caterwauling by urban ruralizers this week about Bob Dylan “selling out” to Fiat or whatever. The title is the length of the song, but also two of the three speeds one would play vinyl at. But if you’re working out in a gym that has a turntable, I hope you also dress like this while you’re doing it.
Luke Million – “Arnold”
Arnold Schwarzenegger* is the guy you want encouraging you at the gym, but because he’s sad now, you have to take this slice of mid-tempo disco house to feel “MORE ENERGY!” Also handy if you want to get to a point emotionally where your biceps rushing blood are of equal value to making tender love to a woman.
*MacBook Pro just auto corrected “Schwarzenegger”. I call Illuminati on Quaid/Hauser now.
Amii Stewart – “Knock On Wood”
If you’re not careful, this Eddie Floyd cover, coked-up disco floor filler will just become your spirit animal from now until forever. After about one minute into this, you feel like you should have worn Flashdance-era leg warmers and those really high cut Kelly Kapowski style unitards, instead of that Northwestern Wildcats 1998 seasons t-shirt that my late Nana would say “You could spit peas through” it’s so worn.
Musique – “In The Bush”
Disco is completely an underrated genre for working out to. If you’re embarrassed about it, remember that it’s not like anyone has to hear what you’re listening to in your ear buds. Let’s at least hope that you don’t go to one of those gyms that pumps in music over a PA, because Steve Aoki remixes of 2 Unlimited songs are going to make you real soft, real quick.
Bob Sinclair – “Gym Tonic (Thomas Bangalter Remix)”
From the DJ dildo who brought us the worst whistle song/toothpaste commercial ever, comes this rarely heard jam that samples a young Jane Fonda’s instructions on keeping one’s “buttocks tight”, and all remixed by one half of Daft Punk. The sample was probably recorded right before she started letting at least one of these guys plough her:
ABFIFI – “Keep It Lit”
The bay area rap game is tight, and so are your quads after you shred some squats to this jam. Rap rap rap! Hype hype hyphy!
Deicide – “When Satan Rules His World”
Some of you must like metal, so this dangerous number is for all you parking lot lifters. Any song that begins with “Open the door, Jehovah you whore” as a lyric is probably going to get your high interval cardio off to a quick start. Pretend lead singer Glen Benton is chasing you and you’ll definitely break the four minute mile on the elliptical.
Justice – “Audio, Video, Disco”
“My athletic ability is tied directly to whether or not Justice’s album Audio, Video, Disco is playing in the background.” – RobotsFightingDinosaurs
Conversely, my sexual ability is tied directly to whether or not “Frank’s 2000″ TV” is playing in the background.