Allow me to open with an apology. I started the paleo diet this week, and for the next month my diet consists almost entirely of meat, fruit, and vegetables. No beer, no sugar, no salt, no bread, no cheese. I allow myself to bend the rules by having milk, red wine, and tequila, but other than that I’m only eating the foods that paleolithic man had access to. It’s actually kind of nice: yesterday I had six slices of bacon with breakfast, I’ve never eaten so much fresh produce before, and I’m cooking almost all of my meals for myself. .
The downside is that, holy Jesus, I’m hungry all the time. Hungry and unable to drink bourbon is no way to answer a mailbag, and yet that’s precisely what I’ve done. So if I seem a little testier than usual this week, please take into consideration my grumbling stomach and painful sobriety. Here we go.
Dear Penile Prognosticators,
Football first: I’m currently in two leagues, one with my buddies from high school and one with my college (current) friends. The high school league recently just lost two more members bringing the total down to the shitsucking number of 8. Merging the two would leave me with a 17-person league, should I dissolve the high school league, fill it with some of my college friends or risk creating a Pac-15/Big-20 supermonster that implodes on itself?
You have a couple options here. Depending on how close you are with some of your high school friends versus the others, you could dissolve that league and extend offers to the friends you like the most to join your college league. Or you could open up the college league to 12 or 14 teams, and auction off the spots to your high school friends. The extra money can go to the purse at the end of the year. But whatever you do, cap your league at no more than 14 teams. More than that, and teams will be too thin to fill out a roster.
Sexy time: A little background, I’m spending the summer at school 1,000 miles from home, with my girlfriend, her friend from high school Alex (goes to a different school, far away), and my buddy Rob (member of both leagues listed above). Alex has a boyfriend at her school, but this has not stopped Rob from trying to slip one past the goalie for over a month. Last night he finally did, good for him right?
See, this is why we encourage people to communicate their issues in simple, clear terms, and not metaphors. “Slip one past the goalie” doesn’t mean “have sex with a girl who has a boyfriend.” It means “get a girl on birth control pregnant.” Which makes a fuckload more sense than how you used it. Unless you do indeed mean that your friend Rob successfully impregnated Alex, who has a boyfriend. In which case: no, not good for him.
The only problem is that I had a ménage a twat with my girlfriend and Alex prior to his score. As in immediately prior to, during halftime of the Finals (if the C’s had won it would have easily been the best night of my life).
Oh, a Boston fan. The commenters are gonna love you.
I finished by making a considerable deposit into her vault. As the night went I could see what was going to happen from a mile away and told him to stay dry. Unfortunately I failed to give a reason, planning on giving a bullshit excuse the next day about how she had some exotic form of Arabian crabs or something. He failed to heed my advice and now that I know he went swimming in my man-o-naise, what I should do? Keep my mouth shut? Or is it my duty to a fellow league-member to inform him that we became Eskimo brothers (is it twins if it happens within the hour?) without as much as a shower in-between? I can barely keep a straight face anytime we hang out and when Alex is there it becomes unbearable. Help me please.
Sorry for the Simmonsesque length,
Paulie from Revere
Yeah, go ahead and tell him — it’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it.
Also, two points of order here. (1) If involved in a threesome with your girlfriend and her friend, don’t come inside her friend. That’s exceptionally poor form. (2) You and your buddy need to wear condoms. “Ha ha ha, we both nailed the same slut within the hour!” Way to go, bro. Keep it up and you can get a lifetime supply of Valtrex.
FOOTBALL: I was one of the few Donovan McNabb followers left in Philadelphia and now he’s been replaced by some no-name hick from Texas. Kevin Kolb’s offense hardly ever ran the ball at Houston yet he looked kind of composed in his first two starts. Now I know the team will suck this year – being from Philly I’m very familiar with my crappy teams – I guess I’m just wondering how much worse they’ll be without one of the biggest scapegoats in NFL history under center anymore.
It really just comes down to which black player isn’t performing to expectations. “Did you see DeSean Jackson drop that pass? I always said he was lazy.” Look at it this way: at least Philly is one of the three good teams in the NFC East.
SEX: Kind of a strange question, but I’ll try to phrase it the best I can… At what point does a lack of sex weigh on a person’s psyche?
For me, about 24 hours. And I’m in my 30s. When I was 19, a stiff breeze could give me a boner, and my brain would be useless until I had an orgasm.
I’m told by my friends that I’m kind of an asshole, and it’s probably a big reason I strike out with girls. But they also said to me that if I were to, “get some” (still holdin’ that V-card, unfortunately) I might loosen up and have a more laid-back personality… making me more approachable. Think there’s any truth to this? Thanks.
– McNabb is NOT the 2nd coming of Doug Williams
Nope. Occam’s Razor: if you’re acting like an asshole, you’re most likely just an asshole. Try being nicer, maybe you’ll get laid.
Dear Masters of the Merken,
Sorry to quibble, but I believe you mean “merkin,” which is a pubic hair wig. Merken is sold by Mattel:
A perfect gift for your son who doesn’t like football.
FF first: I’m in a keeper league with a bunch of high school friends where we keep only 3 players and the keepers worth a draft pick in the round before they were drafted the previous year (5th rounder in ’09 is worth your 4th round pick in ’10). Here’s my dilemma:
Player (’10 draft round); Gore (1), Rodgers (2), DeSean Jackson (7), Benson (10), Austin (16)
Austin, Benson, and Jackson seem like no-brainers, because I’m getting fantastic value. But I think Rodgers is a stud, and since I pick 7th in the first round, I doubt I would be able to get Gore back. Who should I keep? Who should I trade away for more draft picks?
I’m not a huge fan of Gore: too often injured, and he only plays the Seahawks twice a year. And I don’t love Benson, even in the 10th round. It’s not that he’s old — he won’t even turn 28 until December — but he’s burned too many fans for too many years for me to believe he’s worth a shit after one good year. I’d trade him away and keep Rodgers, DeSean, and Miles Austin, which I think is the best combination of quality and value. That leaves you without a prime running back, but those fuckers are a crapshoot beyond the third or fourth pick anyway.
Now the sex: I am an unemployed 22-yr old college graduate living with my parents in the suburbs (God it’s even more pathetic written down). In between trying to find a job, pondering the purpose and direction of my life and staying in shape, I go out occasionally with my similarly fucked compatriots. Having a healthy libido, I enjoy talking and flirting with girls when I’m out, but I don’t have nearly enough game nor Pitt-esque enough looks to attempt to go further than that when my living situation is so embarrassing. Is it possible to meet girls when you’ve got just about nothing going for you? What strategies/lines worked for you fine gentlemen in your younger days?
I miss college,
Well, the first thing you need to do is shitcan the whole idea of using lines. Girls don’t want to hear them, and there are much better ways to break the ice, such as “Hi, I’m Big E. What’s your name? Can I buy you a drink?” Or some similar variant.
Picking up girls isn’t some grand mystery. Essentially, two things need to happen: (1) you need to be confident, and (2) the girl has to be attracted to you. Girls are picky little bitches. We males can all agree that yes, we’d like to have sex with Adriana Lima, and also Megan Fox, and Scarlett Johansson, and so forth, but women are fucking impossible. They’re all, “I like hairy guys,” or “Gross! How could he not shave?” or “George Clooney? Too old,” or “Whatever, I’d fuck Hugh Hefner,” and so on. You could look like Brad Pitt and shit hundred dollar bills and there’d still be some woman in the bar who wouldn’t look twice at you.
So just take care of what you can control: be confident. For some of us, self-deprecation serves as a kind of confidence (“I’m confident enough to make fun of myself”); for others, it means accepting the dare to pound a beer and slam a Prairie Fire without a chaser. As long as you’re comfortable in your own skin, that’s what translates to the female brain. So just go out there and OWN being unemployed.
To the best bathroom reading material while avoiding work,
Sex: I graduated from my undergrad four years ago and am now going back to school for a 12 month grad program. I’ve been dating this girl who I really love for 2 years and would love to have her as my wife someday. The college is in the US but we don’t live there, and since it’s only a year I decided to save money and not visit back home during the holidays as I plan to return immediately after graduation.
That seems unnecessarily tight-fisted, and you’re setting yourself up for one lousy holiday season, but okay.
We’ll of course be doing all our best to keep it up (Skype, im, videochat, everything) and I know that the consensus of the answers given in the sexbag is pretty much long distance relationship suck and don’t work.
No, the consensus is that they suck. Some people who’ve been in failed long-distance relationships will tell you that they don’t work and you shouldn’t try it. Those people are either (a) small-minded enough to think that their experience applies to everyone or (b) making themselves feel better by projecting their failure on to you. With enough commitment, love, trust, effort, and patience, a long-distance relationship can work. But it will suck mightily.
I’m just wondering, do you have some advice on what to avoid during my grad year?
I dunno whether 4 years have changed much in college life (undergrad also in the US). Like should I spend most of my time in sports bars with guy friends and avoid clubs? My girlfriend isn’t really possessive / the clingy jealous type but I just want to avoid anything that could piss her off. I even have thought of buying Starcraft 2 and spend most of my days off class playing it. At least that won’t piss her off.
Well, I have been in a LDR with the really possessive/clingy jealous type (surprise: it did not work). It was, in essence, an outer circle of Hell.
Look, as long as you trust your own behavior, and your girlfriend does, too, then you shouldn’t have to worry about going out with friends or whatever (although I don’t see the point of going to a club with friends if you’ve got a girlfriend in another country). Just be sure that when you Skype with her, you tell her specifics about the friends you’re making. If you make her feel like she knows your new best friend Bob, then she’s less likely to be upset when you tell her you’re going to the bar to watch the game with him.
Football: I’ve been the commissioner in my college buddies league for 4 years. We’ve been doing normal draft over the past 4, and now one guy suggested an auction draft. He’s clearly suggesting it cause he wants a shot of getting Zulu Chtulu back on his roster (ended up third last year) but none of the others have been bored with the regular draft / wants a change with how we do things. My concern in adopting this new strategy is that we’ll all end up not preparing much, stuck with shitty teams due to our inexperience with auction drafting (cause am pretty sure most of the guys in the league don’t do regular mock drafts, auction or not, near the actual one) and then bitch about it, and takes the fun out of the whole draft process. We probably won’t adopt the auction draft this year or anytime soon, but what’s your thought on auction drafts?
Thanks a bunch,
They suck because they make something simple unnecessarily difficult.
Dear men who pass judgement upon others,
Fantasy First. I have the dreaded third pick again this year.
Oh no, not the third pick! You might get Maurice Jones-Drew! He’s young, averages 1400 yards and 14 touchdowns a year, and doesn’t get hurt! You’re doomed, DOOMED I SAY!
Last year I also had said dreaded pick and used it on Matt Forte (worst.pick.ever) and paid the consequences of it the whole year.
Well, you fucking deserve it then. No one with a functioning brain took him higher than 5th.
I couldnt just sit him, a first round running back on the bench doesnt bode well for your scoring and I kept waiting for him to break out. Instead of picking MoJO Drew (can you say 10 in the box) or the bucktoothed kid from baltimore that has a touchdown stealing mcgahee behind him or the guy from San Fran who tore his ACL in both knees and never played a full season,
Okay, stop right there. I know who Ray Rice is. I know who Frank Gore is. This column is several thousand words, and believe it or not, it’s actually NOT all about you. So when you say “the bucktoothed kid from baltimore that has a touchdown stealing mcgahee behind him,” not only is the syntax painful to read, but you’re also using 13 words when two tells me the same thing more quickly and more clearly. And you used 18 words where “Gore” would have sufficed. Are you familiar with the acronym “KISS”? Keep It Simple, Shithead.
should I risk the wrath of the draft crowd and go for Aaron Rodgers/Drew Brees or Andre Johnson? I’ve had Andre the past 2 years and he saved my ass despite me being “that guy” in the league who scores the second highest total of points per week but plays the guy who scored the highest.
Sweet fucking Jesus, you’re the worst fantasy player on the planet. Andre Johnson with the third overall pick? Yeah. Go for it. And when the rest of the league makes fun of you — as they should — tell em you got the inside scoop from a blogger who told a guy to “OWN being unemployed.”
Second Fantasy question,
Nope. Question deleted.
And finally sex. What is the appropriate length of time to date/manner in which to handle a rebound girl? I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship,
Oops, I seem to have hit the “delete” key again. Long story short: you’re heartbroken and you’re thinking about your ex while you’re dating other girls. What you have is perfectly typical, and women generally don’t mind being a rebound as long as you don’t tell them they’re a rebound. Remember these words: “I just got really hurt in my last relationship, and I can’t handle anything serious right now.”
Anyway, the rule of thumb is that it takes half the length of the relationship to move on to someone else (although there are widely varying exceptions to either side of that metric). Which means you’ve got another year-plus of being a miserable self-pitying bastard. That’s why I always recommend that heartbroken people find new outlets for their time and energy: volunteerism, a running club, bartending/cooking classes — any kind of productive activity that gets you out of the house, engages your body and mind, and introduces you to new people.
More like “Slow”! Aw, I’m sorry. That was too much.
whatup? i’m gonna mix it up a little: football SLASH sex question (this isn’t about fucking Kordell, like it sounded)…. i believe i just found Jeff Reed in a 4-way on redtube (NSFW).
That’s not Jeff Reed, although that’s about the level of quality I would expect from a porn he’d be in.
how should i feel vis-a-vis the state of my beloved franchise??
I’m sorry, who are you again? Do you realize that I read your words in the order that you write them? I can’t just magically infer from your font if your “beloved franchise” is the Green Bay Packers, Steve Francis, or the local Taco Bell you manage.
seems there’s a lot of fucknuttery coming out of the steel city lately, both in terms of personnel behavior AND changes (‘Twan, Foote and B-MAC are the answers? really?). when is Coach Sunglasses gonna clamp this bitch down?
warmest regards from the hometown of Broadway Joe,
Ah, the Steelers. I’m sure Christmas Ape would happily discuss what Mike Tomlin and the management need to do vis-a-vis team discipline and personnel moves, but the short answer is you can suck a fat dick. Oh, your precious Steelers are in disarray! They’ve won but two Super Bowls in the last five years! And only six in NFL history!
I’m sorry, am I not being sympathetic to your problem? Perhaps it has something to do with the omnipresent hordes of obnoxious Steelers fans who remind everyone else of their team’s greatness every chance they get. Go figure.
Yes I am a real female and I like (not love) football. I have a BF that reads your site sometimes and I hope he reads this. I am 25 he is 28, dating for 18 months, lived together for 5. What is the deal with men pulling out and blasting it on the stomach, breasts, or back? I don’t get it.
Well, you see, there’s this thing called “pornography.”
I understand he does not want to get me pregnant. When birth control is used properly it is 99.9% effective.
And it’s even MORE effective if there’s no sperm swimmin’ around your innards.
I use it properly and I tell him to just come inside me. I don’t enjoy waking up and being supermaned to the sheets.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re all uppity about getting getting semen on you, BUT YOU DON’T CLEAN IT UP? What kind of animal are you? You’re in your mid-twenties and you don’t have the brains or the wherewithal to keep a box of Kleenex near the bed? There are farm animals with better senses of cleanliness. And I bet they aren’t uppity about taking a money shot.
Am I the only woman that feels this way? I’d rather just fall asleep after sex or throw a tampon in and go about my day if the sex was not before bed. I do understand if he plans on going more than one round, but if it’s standard Tuesday night sex it’s pretty annoying. You’re all dudes so maybe you can explain to me why men like this so much? I was under the impression that coming inside was more pleasurable for men?
You know who’s annoying? You. And putting a tampon in after sex? What the fuck? Are you from West Virginia or something? I hope your boyfriend reads this, too, so the next time you complain about something he can be like, “See? SEE?!?! Other people think you’re crazy too!”
Okay, sorry if I was a bit harsh. Listen, missy, it’s pretty simple: the act of ejaculation is visually stimulating. And it’s not something you can just blame on porn: people gather to watch Old Faithful spew and volcanoes erupt, and more people than not will indulge in popping a zit. Michael Bay is a multimillionaire because people like explosions. Your boyfriend and his penis are no different. Stop being a prude, be thankful he’s not trying to give you facials, and buy a box of tissues for the night stand next to the bed. Assuming you sleep in a bed, and not a pile of hay, you disgusting animal.
Football (non fantasy): My BF is a Vikings fan and his birthday is coming up in July. I was thinking of getting him a Jersey t0 wear on Sundays. I feel like QB & WR jersey’s are for girls and Adrian Peterson fumbles too much. Should I go with Jared Allen’s #69 or go out of the box with a Loadholt jersey. haha, Loadholt, the question came full circle.
-Mel in the Midwest.
I think your reasoning is sound there. Depending on his penis size, you might also consider a Shiancoe jersey.
And sorry about calling you a disgusting animal. I’m sure you’re very nice.