Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I have just now arrived in Pittsburgh, where my hangover has really blossomed into a natural wonder. Early reports are that I went to the Deadspin one-year anniversary party and enjoyed three hours of open bar, where I showed considerable restraint for two hours before being overtaken by the notion of free bourbon. Dinner was not — I repeat, not — consumed.
The weather here in Pittsburgh is terrifying — a freak blizzard dropped eight inches of snow early this morning, and presently the city is being buffered by torrential rain and 140-mph winds. The forecast is for a clear night, though, so as long as the Steelers can play tonight, it doesn’t matter that the homes of 30,000 people have been destroyed while several hundred thousand more go without electricity or clean water. More details as they develop.
This is Captain Caveman, LIVE. IN PITTSBURGH. WHERE THE SEASON IS STARTING. Tonight. Reporting live from where the season is starting, in Pittsburgh, home of the five-time and reigning champion Steelers, the Steel City, from where I am reporting. From Pittsburgh, in the far eastern section of Ohio, I’m Captain Caveman.