It’s been announced that St. Louis Rams quarterback Marc Bulger has finally passed his neuropsych evaluation thus allowing him to play this Sunday. The passed test comes just in time, seeing as how venerable (F’real!) backup Gus Frerotte has been ruled out of action. The only other quarterback on the roster is one Brock Berlin, whose career famously peaked at the age of 17.
Thanks to our reputation as idealistic upholders of journalistic integrity KSK was invited to observe Bulger’s most recent examination. So grab yourself a handful of Junior Mints and join us for this unprecedented insider’s look…
Dr. Spaceman: Alright Marc, we’re going to do this evaluation just like last week, only this time I’m sober-ish.
Bulger: Have we met?
Dr. Spaceman: Yes, we met here last week. This session will be more of the same, I’m just going to ask you a series of simple questions and your answers will tell us whether or not you can play on Sunday. Do you understand?
Bulger: Of course coach, I’m ready to go. Put me in the game!
Dr. Spaceman: I’m not your coach Marc, I’m your doctor. Your coaches have asked that I evaluate your brain function to determine your playing status. Do you understand?
Bulger: (nods head) Snausage.
Dr. Spaceman: Sounds like a “yes” to me. They certainly are delicious. So do you remember where you were when you sustained the initial injury?
Dr. Spaceman: Close enough. Have you noticed any unexplainable odors since the injury?
Bulger: I smell music.
Dr. Spaceman: Yes, I too am a man of the arts. Any unusual flavors?
Bulger: I taste gravity.
Dr. Spaceman: (pulls a handful of multi-colored pills from his pocket, swallows half of them and presents the other half to Bulger) These should help.
Bulger: (downs all the pills at once) Not bad. Was your hair always that melty?
Dr. Spaceman: Good question…but let’s try to focus on my questions now.
Bulger: Fire away.
Dr. Spaceman: When the coach tells you throw the slant to Torry Holt what will you do?
Bulger: Take the sack.
Dr. Spaceman: You’re good as new!