Today the NFL Owners are meeting to elect a new Commissioner. Their new leader/opponent will be expected to guide the league forward following the unprecedented prosperity of the Paul Tagliabue era.
Since Tags announced his decision in March speculation has emerged that Roger Goodell will be the man, and that he’ll take the job with ease (22/32 votes are required). Unfortunately for Goodell, the league takes this voting business more seriously than a Papal conclave (black smoke means Al Davis has spontaneously combusted), so he might be a bit on edge for now.
Today we are honored to have with us, the current Chief Operating Officer of the National football league, Mr. Goodell. (Suck on that exclusive, NFL Network!)
Kissing Suzy Kolber: Mr. Goodell, how have you prepared yourself to take the throne of the single greatest professional sports league on Earth?
Roger Goodell: Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. When my boss, the lovable Mr. Tagliabue, was voted in as the Commissioner it took a voting period of several months.
KSK: Yeah but you’re a lock, most owners wouldn’t know these other schmucks if they were wearing nametags. Besides, some of them are just kind of embarrassing.
RG: I’m not sure I can agree with your sentiments.
KSK: Man up Nancy, you’re about to be the second most powerful man the National Football League.
RG: Actually I will be the most powerful man in the league.
KSK: Bullshit, Gene Upshaw could kick your ass up and down the street if he chose to, you’re lucky he’s not that kind of guy.
RG: I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Upshaw and the entire Player’s Association. With their help we can continue to both expand and improve upon the league we know today.
KSK: Expand? I’m not sure that’s the word most football fans want to hear. Just what did you have in mind?
RG: Well as the League’s Executive Vice President and COO I was primarily in charge of expanding the League’s business ventures both foreign and domestic.
KSK: You were the one that put a regular season game in Mexico, weren’t you?
RG: Yes that was one of the proudest accomplishments during my tenure.
KSK: Son of a vondruke! Why the fuck would you go out of your way to disrupt the season by taking away a team’s home game?
RG: Actually we regarded that game as a great success. There is a deep potential market in Latin America and overseas. Expanding into these market places will be an important part of the League’s future.
KSK: Mr. Goodell, why do you hate America?
RG: I am a very proud American and I resent any implication to the contrary.
KSK: Why don’t we change the subject before somebody says something slanderous…? I’ve always been a fan of you wife, Jane Goodell; what’s it like being married to a woman who fucks monkeys?
RG: I’m afraid you have my wife confused with someone else.
KSK: No, I’m pretty sure I saw that somewhere.
RG: Maybe you should try another subject then.
KSK: Sure thing Rog. In recent years some fans have become vocal over their disdain for the current system of televising games. How do you plan to appease the needs of your existing fanbase?
RG: Another project of mine was the NFL Season Pass contract that the League signed with DirecTV; I feel that has allow….
KSK: Hold up, you cannot be serious!
RG: Of course I am, the package has allowed millions of potential fans to watch their choice of quality NFL entertainment.
KSK: All you did was take a huge payoff from an evil media company to give them an exclusive that is not enjoyed by any other major American sports league (see MLB.tv, NBA League Pass, and NHL Center Ice). Why should we have to switch from cable to satellite just to watch our desired games? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to install a dish at a college apartment?
RG: Our agreement is completely legal and it has been mutually beneficial. We have made a great deal of money for our Compan…I mean League.
KSK: If you’ve made such great profits why haven’t you been able to offer guaranteed contracts to the players that put themselves in danger every week? You are just another piece of crap Suit aren’t you?
RG: My job is to ensure the financial growth of League.
KSK: Well once you get voted in by those owners your job will not be to serve them solely. Never forget that you are under the employ of the league, the fans, and the game itself . You are in charge of the single greatest diversion we have to enjoy in this country, please don’t fuck this up. Be like your predecessor and allow the league speak for itself…it really is great.
Update: It’s official, Roger Goodell is our new Commissioner. I, for one, welcome our new economic overlords.