Yes for all you PFTCommenter truther’s out there this is a real actual interview,, Ive been communicating directly with the mothership on this one folks. Warning: You might not even want to read this interview because your kind of a sissy and this is big boy internet right here with Strong Takes folks.
PFTC: First’ve all Mike thanks for taking the time to sit down with me and communicate directly to your legions of fans and commenters w/out the filter of ProfootballTalk.com. Its no secret Ive been a big fan of your site for years and years and years. I know you must be busy so lets jump into the questions. (All questions have “no offense” implied in them FYI so there not technically offensive) As a lawyer I’m sure your familiar with that.
Mike: All answers are intended to be offensive, even if they technically aren’t.
PFTC: Heh. Good one. Touche. Anyways. You run the most successfull functioning NFL website out there (no offense to Peter King and the MMBM). How did you get the idea to write about NFL articles and how many pageviews did you get yesterday off the top of your head?
Mike: Darth Vader came down from the planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn’t write about NFL articles he’d melt my brain. Also, more than one and less than 10 million.
PFTC: Right. So your admitting that Youporn is better site then PFT?
Mike: PFT is far better for use at work, where people are far more likely to be unproductive. And also far more likely to be wearing clothes.
PFTC: Would you care to explain that stunt where you threatened your readers with elimnating the entire comment section? What was all that about?
Mike: I was just kidding. We like spending hours every day screening thousands of comments for vulgar, profane, racist, and/or homophobic content. And those are just yours.
PFTC: Thats a pretty Gay answer TBH. If I had a family you would of threatened there livelihood.
PFTC: Your not one to back down from a Twitter war with anyone. Which NFL Mascot do you plan to fight next?
Mike: That 12th Man guy in Seattle is just asking for it.
PFTC: Is Joe Flacco a Elite QB?
Mike: He was until some smartass Delilah shaved his unibrow.
PFTC: Was it bittersweet seeing PFT make it to the big time when the Jets staff was looking at it during “Hard Knocks,” but on the other hand also knowing that you were the one providing all the information that was leading to Mike Tannenbaum and Brian Schottenheimers decision-making?
Mike: I once came up with questions for an interview after taking mushrooms, too.
PFTC: I bet the questions were just Skee-lo lyrics no offence.
Hey. Quick marketing idea- “Florios”- a cereal where everytime you take a bite you can taste both side’s of the cereal and also makes defensive backs infertile from January-April.
Mike: How did you find out about that?
PFTC: Great minds think a like. On the back of the box you can also insult people for being dumb enough to buy it.
PFTC: Invent a PFT headline that would make for the strongest takes in the comment section.
PFTC: Speaking of that time you published that Terry died in a car accident, you could of been sued. After reading that I almost burned my house down giving his jersey a Viking funeral in my sink you idiot.
PFTC: Next question. What other NFL columnists do you read?
Mike: Jay Mariotti.
PFTC: Were you upset that he beat you in my NFL Analyst Powerankings?
Mike: I sat on the floor staring into space and turning a lamp on and off for two straight days. I wish I’d gotten rid of that Clapper.
PFTC: The clapper,, timely reference there. I got to imagine your house is pretty much a strobe-light everytime you get a Titus Young google alert then.
Your making your silver screen debut later on this year in “Draft Day” presumably as the guy who leak’s the number 1 overall picks wonderlic score. Are you going to go all hollywood on us in the offseason and become a distraction around 30-rock?
Mike: I’m not a distraction. I’m just passionate about what I do.
PFTC: No offence but so was Hitler. Walk me through what your Sundays look like before Mr Kings spongebath. What do you do all day before the show? Do you watch football or do you pay people to watch it for you now?
Mike: People pay me to watch football for me.
PFTC: Whose the biggest distraction in the NFL today?
Mike: There are no distractions. They’re just passionate about what they do.
PFTC: Your known as the most objective jounralist in the modern game but where do you stand on the Rooney Rule?
Mike: It’s a stupid way to deal with a serious problem.
PFTC: I dont know if you got the memo but the Presidents Black so I dont see the problem here unless your advocating that NFL teams should be forced to interview White people for Cornerback job openings.
Mike: I don’t know if you got the memo but Jason Sehorn was white.
PFTC: Hes actually very much still White Mike I dont know if youve ever been but you can visit the Jason Sehorn Heritage Trail here:
PFTC: F/M/K Peter King, Roger Goodell, DeMaurice Smith
Mike: Let’s just say I’d kill Peter King because he’d be my primary competition for figuring out what to do with the other two.
PFTC: (Stunned Silence) Just to be clear your on record that youd murder Peter King just so that he couldnt fuck and marry Roger Goodell and De Smith before you. Just wanted to read that back to you. Moving on now.
PFTC: How come their are never any columns on PFT from the FANS point of view? That said Im intrested in forming StrongTakes.com as a PFT boutique websight where you get all the news you want but the takes and polarizing honesty that you crave?
Mike: You’ve pretty much summarized our comments section.
PFTC: The NFL is struggling 2 keep fans wanting to attend games since there’s more and more discrimination these days against drunken abusive White Male fans and its almost like I cant even spit on a opposing fan anymore without the PC police, media and real police trying to persecute me. How can the NFL work to keep fans attending games in person instead of watching at home?
Mike: Give free tickets and beer to shirtless fat dudes who look like the illegitimate sons of Jack Nicholson and Roseanne Barr and who can’t quite master the Cam Newton “first down” pose.
PFTC: LOL they sound like chumps I dont know about that.
PFTC: You’ve been noticably silent on “Jorts-Gate” 2013. Ive attached a photo of P.E.D. Prisco- do you think he’s wearing cargo-jorts?
Mike: I don’t know. I can’t get past those eyes.
PFTC: Speaking of Pete. You and him have gone toe 2 toe on a number of issues. Would you rather fight three Mike Florio-sized Pete Priscos, or one Pete Prisco-sized Mike Florio?
Mike: I’d rather fight one Pete Prisco-sized Pete Prisco.
(CC Pete Prisco. Are you just going 2 take that from him? Hes kind’ve turning you into his little jail-punk over here Pete what or you going to do about it bro?)
PFTC: Funny you should bring that up. I havent even publicisized it yet but Ive already received a $25,000 pledge for a charity boxing match between you and Bob Costas would you consider this? Pretty sure I could raise 6 figures here.
Mike: There are plenty of people I’d love to box. And who would love to box me. Bob isn’t one of the former. Hopefully he’s not one of the latter.
PFTC: Well lets put are cards on the table then. Who would you fight for charity then? Jaxon DeVille? Dead serious Im coming up with the money.
PFTC: If I beat you do I get editoral control over PFT?
Mike: Maybe. It depends on who you are.
PFTC: Im Darren Rovell.
Mike: It’s go time.
PFTC: Wow you talk about a real Superman verse Doomsday scenario lets hope we get as good a ending to that battle Mike.