Don’t get me wrong, there’s no more exciting period in the spring than the NFL Draft, but once the draft is over, my time and energy goes to my second passion: ranking and grading the rising stars in the world of porn. Whether or not the NFL extends its lockout into regular season, the hard-working men and women of the adult film industry will be working harder than ever. And if you think earning a living in pro football is tough, you don’t know the half of it.
Getting into the fuck game is serious business. YOu’re not only competing against those looking to break in, but also the veterans, pros and hoes that are already there. But I think this year’s talent crop has some promise. Here now are five of the rising stars I have at the top of my board this year. I think you’ll be seeing big things from these folks for years to come.
Keith Hanrahan (aka Justin Cider). Long Beach, California.
Justin here has all the measurables: He’s 5-foot-7 with a 9-inch dong, and can even get to 10 if he’s getting down with a threesome or some hot interracial. What I like about this young man is that he’s versatile; he can play the missionary position but can also play in the 69 technique. But Justin doesn’t rest on his physical gifts; this man is a master technician of the vagina, a really strong Fucking IQ, and he’ll really fill a need for any project looking for a leading man. Justin’s number one on my board not only because of his length but also because of the tattoo-chest hair combo. Very rare.
Robin Nguyen (aka Boo Kiki). Palo Alto, California.
Boo won’t be on a lot of people’s boards because of some recent off-the-mattress issues. She had a DUI in 2009 after fleeing the scene where she stabbed her then-boyfriend in the asshole with a kitchen knife, and recently burned down a designer shoe store after she was caught shoplifting there. I have her at number two because she does have a solid work ethic; she will get out there and compete and is not afraid to fall on a loose cock. She’ll also bring versatility to whatever studio takes her, since she did play both ways in college.
Colleen Mulcahy. Boston, Massachusetts.
Neat story about Colleen here: she became the youngest CFO in JPMorgan history by sleeping with each of her managers and then blackmailing them for with the sex tapes to get promoted up the corporate ladder. But after the recent economic crisis, she finds herself without gainful employment.
She needs development, but at 29 years old, she’s entering her sexual prime, and there’s still a lot of raw ability here. She’s no stranger to cold weather and scouts agree that she can fuck downhill. It’ll be a challenge for directors to find opportunities for her, but in my opinion she has a lot of upside. I think of her as a poor man’s Amy Adams. Of course, being poor is the biggest reason people fuck in front of a camera for cash.
Wei Tu Yong. Hsinchu, Taiwan.
Wei is not going to fit the schemes of most outfits looking to add talent this offseason, but as I always say, “The eye in the sky don’t lie,” and the upward trends in human trafficking and debt bondage are undeniable. Wei is totally raw and is going to be a project for whoever acquires him; he’s not going to fit a lot of schemes. But the increasingly perverse nature of the industry coupled with inefficient worldwide standards for human rights make Wei an absolute steal.
Nina and Tina Williams (aka Sweet and ‘Lo). Atlanta, Georgia.
These twins are a package deal, making them a terrific value pick. Nina has a great motor and is proficient with her battery-powered dildo, which coincidentally also has a great motor. Tina will provide a lot of depth for a production either looking to spell Tina or provide a double-team in situations late in the film. I dropped them down to number five on my board because of Tina’s work ethic concerns, coupled with the fact they stole their respective hairstyles from Carrot Top.
These are just a few of the bigger names that have been working hard to get a sniff at the big time. But remember, anything can happen in the world of adult film; dreams are made and crushed at the hands of the people at the controls. That’s how it goes in any industry, especially the fuck game, and that’s why I love it. Be sure to do your own research and adjust your draft sheets accordingly. Nothing less than the future of your fantasy fucking is at stake.