Mike Shanahan Breaks the News to RGIII

12.13.13 4 years ago 21 Comments

SNYDER: Mike, we’re 3-10. Robert is underperforming. What in the hell is going on.

SHANAHAN: This is the same team that won the division last year, Dan. The problem is YOU. I just wish you’d quit coddling Robert so that he’ll play like he did last year and I won’t have to do a good job at hiring any other personnel. I’ve written up a list of things he needs to improve on that we will go over today —

SNYDER: *crumples up the list and throws it in the trash* ROBERT WILL BE HERE SOON, MIKE. And I CAN’T have him seeing this list! I COULDN’T BEAR TO LOOK INTO HIS EYES! Shhhh, he’s coming!

*door flies open*

RGIII: I want a flying car.

SNYDER: Of course! Of course you want a flying car. Who wouldn’t want a flying car? Now, bit of a problem right now as they haven’t technically been invented…


*grabs Tony Wyllie by the lapels and hisses “fix this”*

SNYDER: OK! Uncle Tony here is going to take care of that flying car for you. In the meantime let’s have a chat about next week against the Falcons…

RGIII: The Washington Post said I did bad against the Chiefs. Did I do bad?

SNYDER: Bad?? Bad? What? Who would say something like that? You were FANTASTIC. I … um … *gestures angrily at Shanahan to say something*

SHANAHAN: Uh, well, Robert I think you showed a good deal of mobility but I think for this coming week we need to focus on progressing through your reads…

SNYDER: *makes slashing motion across throat*

SHANAHAN: But uh … I …

SNYDER: What Coach Shanahan means to say is that we think you are a very good quarterback and you are very, very special to our franchise and nothing will ever change that.

SHANAHAN: Yeah. … Exactly.

SNYDER: In fact, Coach Shanahan was just about to tell you how great you are going to be against the Falcons this week, weren’t you Coach?

SHANAHAN: Uh … well, actually, I’ve decided to shut you down for the season. I don’t think you’ve fully recovered from last year’s injury and I don’t want to risk further damage, so Kirk Cousins will be starting on Sunday.

*awkward silence stretches out for a solid minute*

RGIII: Coach, I appreciate your honesty and your treatment of me as an adult by giving me your unadulterated opinion. It takes a responsible and decisive man to do that.

*begins walking out of the room, and then turns to Snyder*

RGIII: Have him fired immediately.

SNYDER: Uh … wh- … yes, absolutely! Right away! YOU HEARD HIM SHANAHAN, PACK YOUR SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT! I’m so very sorry Robert, here are the keys to my Lamborghini, you better not bring it back in one piece or I’ll make fun of your lame Friday evening! *awkward laugh as he chases after RGIII*

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