More from Pittsburgh: Nothing Surprising Has Happened

09.07.06 11 years ago 7 Comments

This town is really amazing. Pittsburgh is fully decked out in black and gold — even the animals are caught up in football fever. Dogs, cats, and unemployed young men roam the streets in Steelers gear. Everyone looks ready for the game.

Well, almost everyone. I saw this one old woman with blue-ish hair, and Joey Porter shoved her into traffic, yelling at her for being a Dolphins fan. Then he went into an alley where a stray cat was nursing a litter of adorable kittens, and he stomped them all to death with his heavy-soled boots. Then he defecated on the bodies, slashed his wrist with a broken bottle, and drank his own blood.

Passersby stopped to applaud.

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