If you’re a fan of doing drugs (and who isn’t?), I hope you’re watching “Planet Earth” on the Discovery Channel. And I hope you’ve got some of your highest grade sticky icky with you when you do so. Discovery Channel and the BBC sent out a shitload of photographers with high-definition cameras around the world for months on end. These are powerful cameras that could focus on your genitals one pube at a time from a mile away. So did they use this incredible technology to go do something useful, like find bin Laden? Fuck no. They used it to get some killer animal snuff porn just for me.
In this clip, a great white shark shoots out of the water and swallows a seal whole. One bite. Arf! Arf! *CHOMP*. You’re fucking dead, Seal. No more making babies with Heidi Klum for you. The Great White Shark: it’s the Shawne Merriman of the depths. Be sure to check out the 1:30 mark, when the shark leaps clean out of the water in order to fuck the seal up. It’s tremendous. Last night, they also showed a pack of wild dogs feasting on the carcass of an impala (that’s an actual animal, not a Chevrolet). Was it a good night of killing in Big Daddy Drew’s house? Fuck and yes.
You’re well aware of the douchebags at PETA, the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals. You know who’s not for the ethical treatment of animals? ANIMALS. They fucking want each other dead. And that’s cool by me. Soon only I will remain, and then I’ll be king of the world, free to watch all the animal death movies I please.
NOTE: This is a clip from the British version. The American version is narrated by Sigourney Weaver, who has yet to fulfill her destiny by playing a women’s basketball coach on the silver screen.