Mount Flushmore – NFC East

07.01.13 4 years ago 56 Comments


Ok folks we saved the least for last. The NFC Beast is become more like the NFC Beastiality there screwing the pooch so much. Here are the worst people of alltime for each team:

Dallas Cowboys:

Jerry Jones- Jerrys on here three times once as a Owner the other as a GM and third as whatever skeletor was. I like to have a little fun with it and call Cowboy Stadium “Jonestown” because its filled with Central Americans and makes me want to kill myself, but just in good fun. The amount of debt he put Cowboys into with that purchase even makes Obama just kind of throw his hands up and almost chuckle but the only thing Jones is driving into the ground is whoevers under that video board when it snaps under the pressure like Romo on 4th and 4. Jones is also the first resident of Mount Flushmore whose actual face muscles move less then the stone the mountains carved in, which is great for playing poker with your draft picks but bad for trying to pronounce Ebenezer Ekuban. As a GM Jerry’s on here for doing all the evaluating himself which is why you get a guy like a David Brent while smart teams like your Pats pickup Dante Stallworth who at least has accountability and sticks around after he kills a guy no offense.

Jessica Simpson- Shes the Tony Romo of Giselle.

David Brent- Come on

Michael Irvin- Mike stabbed someone in the throat for cutting in front of him to get his hair cut which is how you might get your name on a list to get a wax in Miami, but the “Paymaker” was out of control during his time in Dallas. HOWEVAH (Steven A Smith voice) Mikes career got of to a good start but then ended in disgrace going from Playmaker to Layfaker after flopping on a obvious dive in Philly and just pretending like he was paralyzed even though you see him on TV practically jazz dancing around all the time now. Its a strong argument that he wasnt afraid to go over the middle on the field or on a two-lane road and thats the type of crazy you sometimes want from your receivers. Mike will always be known as a real Possession receiver and now hes a Possession analyst and a Possession father.


Philadelphia Eagles:

I like to have a little fun with it and say 15 years ago Philadelphia had Ricky Waters, Reggie White, and Jim Johnson and now they have no Water no Whites and no Johnson. Someone who goes to a Eagles game should put that on a sign there fans have some great senses of humor.

Andy Reid+Mike Vick- Mike came to Philly as the first reclamation project Andy Reids ever taken on that wasnt inside a aluminum foil swan in his minifridge. Usually when Andys working with a retread its because he tried to drive his rascal scooter up the stairs again, and sure enough Vick was more of a Coach Killer than the Dollar Menu. Mike was something of a health freak carrying around his Romanowski-style briefcase filled with Abreva, but his off field preperation didnt translate to on-field success which is ironic because if Mike Vick was one of his dogs he would of killed himself when you think about it, and you cant help but laugh imagining Goodell trying to figure out who to suspend if he had.

Donovan McNabb- I reached out to @FakeWIPCaller for his take on Eagles Mt Flushmore and he said “you should just make the whole mountain one big Donovan McNabb”. I get his frustration completely. On the field McNabb was in my adjusted Quarterback Power Value the worst QB of alltime- my stats take into account big game losses like Superbowls and NFC Championship games and practically dont even recognize regular season blowouts or 1st half stats. Off the field as a analyst its gotten so a Black QB cant cut a wet fart without having “WrongAgain” McNabb smell it and criticize it for not smelling enough like Catfish.

DeSean Jackson- MeSean Jackson somehow found the only QB who would actually like it when he Dogs it back to the huddle. If theres one thing he does well hes a deep threat but so is the abandoning of our constitution folks. Jackson was drafted out of Berkely which is fitting that hes been known to refuse to work for the 1% of the football field inbetween the 1 and the goalline. If Mike Wallace shrunk 6 inches bought a gun and was bit by a going-over-the-middle snake as a child youd have yourself a DeSean.

2004 WR Tandem of TO, Stinkson, James Trash and FredEx- McNabb gets alot of guff but the reason he was always coming up short in games, passes and his personal life is because his wide receivers were too busy recording remix versions of Ante-Up during practice to know the exact yardage they needed to run on their routes. Lets face it, the only place FredEx got screamed at for being too slow more than at the Linc is at his current job airbrushing Tshirts at Six Flags. James Thrash was ranked on this site as being the most average player in NFL history which is actually a polite way of saying he was the worst player ever actually.


New York Giants:

Plaxico Burress- We’ve all tucked things in our sweatpants so they dont shoot us in the leg by accident but that was middle school and Burress was a millionaire with a gun not a 7th grader Kiffining.

Lawrence Taylor- Taylor may of been a force out there dominating at the point of attack and making every other player look like a outgunned child like the NFLs pre-answer to Kony. But the Big Blue monster was a league leater in Quaterback sacks and quarterpound sacks during his time in New York. You’ve never seen a speed rusher turn the corner like LT on Sundays unless you saw him any other day of the week anywhere above 110th St. One thing that is underreported is how Taylor led to the NFL instituting strict uniform policies since LT use to wear his socks low to let other players know he was “holding” on the field. The world actually let out a collective sigh and small round of applause when he was accused of statutory rape because at least LT moved on to sex with real human females instead of sitting on his livingroom carpet he’d painted astroturf green and beating off to the Last Boyscout 17 hours a day and crying.

Tiki Barber- Barber quit football to be on television but people forgot to tell him that football is on television. If your team wins a Superbowl the season after you quit it tells me two things: 1. You had more turnover problems then Reggie White taking a catnap no offense. 2: Its multiplication by subtraction. Tikis story is a perfect UVA alumni in a nutshell, he thinks he’s a real hot tomale who’s too good for his job but then gets shown up in the real world by two SEC guys who actually work instead of talking about themselfs all day. To be honest maybe he should of stayed in Charlottesville which is the Paris France of suburban Richmond as any of the millions of people who have swung a dead cat through Central Virginia will tell you.

Philip Rivers- Rivers was drafted by the Giants and you want to talk about a alltime stinkbomb. Mr. Mara got one taste of his limpwristed handshake and said I dont think so I’d rather have the kid with the birds nest hair and dead eyes. You have to admit its a strongtake for your owner to ship off there 1st round QB before they take a gamespeed rep. I reached out to Mr. Rivers himself for his take: “Those dickbagged fags in New York sent me on the first coal train to Sandiego but I wisha could of had Coach Coughlin calling helmet passes for me ‘stead of for that pinkeyed havin open-mouthed pussy. Coulda been great, course San Deigo must of been patron Saint of fuckin kiddie porn Catlicks the way Marty and Norv basically child molested my career. Even still I was dropping six points left and fuckin right on every team what tried to face me. Broncos? Sixed ’em. Chiefs? Sixed those faggots. God dammit Id have quarter dozen titles on my big badass belt if I was in NYC,, people forget that.” Even still, Rivers has gone on to become the alltime record holder for losses and interceptions by a former Giants QB, some people can handle the bright lights of the big apple some people cant.


Washington Redskins:

Liberal “Fans”- Wait do the Redskins play in Washington DC or Washington PC I forget. Whether its demanding to change the team name so that there Indian friend thinks they’re cool, or writing letters to George Marshall forcing him to hire black players when there weren’t even any good ones back then, the Liberal wing of the Redskin party has put the entire franchise in a toilet. FYI I ranked the 3 worst kinds of gridlock in Washington over the past 15 years=

  1. Congressional
  2. Traffic
  3. The nerve endings in Jason Campbells brain.

The Washington Gatorskins- Generally speaking importing a couple dozen thugs from Florida to steal a bunch of money and suck in front of 80 thousand people is typically reserved for the stage production of a TI concert but that didnt stop Spurrier from trying. A nother play that would go on Mt Flushmore would be the time Spurrier literally had Danny Wuerfel kick off for the Skins and the ball honestly traveled 4 yards directly out of bounds which is actually something that happened Im not kidding. Among the real NFL talents Spurrier brought with him is Shane Matthews, Danny Woefull, and Brandon Jacobs who combined for a turnover ratio that looked like Spurriers score on the back 9 of Congressional, and that stupid joke is literally what would make Spurrier the maddest out of anything else I said about his tenure in DC.

Dan Snyder- He works to hard he shows up to early he cares to deeply he tries to hard he spends to heavily he sleeps to little he he loves his players to much and he loses to weekly

Albert Haynesworth- If you or I fall asleep on the job the worst that happens is someone doesnt get correct change but if your getting paid $100,000,000 Million Dollars to play A GAME you better not be crawling around MY field. Haynesworth was to busy strongarming Dan Snyder to worry about strongarming any Offensive Guards folks. In fact the only OG he pushed around during his time in Washington came when he got into barfights in Anacostia. Fat Albert and the Junkyard gang is such a perfect nickname for the Skins lockeroom during the Zorn era but at least you only had Tight Ends posting pictures of their weiners online instead of leaving bubblegum all over the interior of rental cars for one of your fans who pays your salary to clean up and killing three people too.

Ok folks its been a real trip I hope you enjoyed this series. Here are the links for every other division:

NFC North

NFC South

NFC West

AFC East

AFC North

AFC South

AFC West

Around The Web