Mount Flushmore – NFC North

06.25.13 5 years ago 102 Comments


Welcome to the NFC “Norris” division (gets me every time) there are alot of players to really choose from here so I had to be very selective Im sorry if I left out your nominations. This list features a few coaches, a serial killer, a Kommenter, a punter, and a couple HOFers. Hope your ready.

Chicago Bears:

Gale Sayers- Your typical flash in the pan statback, Gayle was elected as the youngest member of the NFL hall of Fame which is pretty embarassing when you think about it that no other player has ever retired as young as him. Its such a backhanded compliment because the committee is basicly saying “too bad your so injury prone we wanted to invite you over before you died.” Gayle played 6 seasons and somehow they thought that would be plenty to put him in Canton and its probably why youve got your Chad Ochocincos putting on Hall of Fame jackets after converting a 3rd and 6 in week 2. When they were making Brians song the producers needed to find a actor who enjoyed Colt 45 half as much as Gayle so they sent feelers to Billy Dee Williams camp who ended up capitalizing on a story of a athlete who befriended a dying White player just to get put in his Will.

Every QB the franchise has ever had since there last Superbowl win except Jay Cutler– They had some guy named Peter Tom Willis which sounds more like a folk/rap group youd see perform on your town green for free during the summer then the man you want leading your offense in a divisional matchup. Heres the full list since McMahon: Mike Tomczak, Jim Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer, Steve Walsh, Eric Kramer, Dave Krieg, Rick Mirer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, Shane Matthews, something called a Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Chris Chandler, Rex Grossman, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson, Johnathan Quinn, Kyle Orton, Brian Griese, Todd Collins, Caleb Hanie, Josh McCown, and Jason Cambell.

Tank Johnson- You wouldnt expect someone named Tank Johnson to be running around with 9 mms hanging between his legs but the only thing long about Johnson is his wikipedias “legal” section folks. Apparently Im not the only one who thinks he deserves a Toilet Trophy because a couple kids from his Chicago neighborhood left him a toilet seat on his front steps after his suspension from the Bears and you have to hope they grew up to be sports journalists. Tanks actually a appropriate name considering God pretty much upperdecked him with his crap for brains and body that looks and smells like the part of a swamp that fish go to poop in.

Lovie Smith- Possibly the classiest guy to coach but youd sooner trust Dunston Checks In with your challenge flag then this bozo. Lovie was all class coaching these underperforming Bears and will always be known as the classact who choked away every opportunity to bring home the Lombardi to Chicago. Honestly between Urlacher and Cutler pretty much coaching the offense and defense on the field Lovies responsibilitys only included designing a iPhone app for PNut Tillman to alert him when he was within a metric mile of a Planned Parenthood and inventing new positions for Devin Hester to suck at, which you have to admit Lovie did with class.


Minnesota Viqueens:

Adrian PEDerson- Heres a wrap-up of Adrians last two years- Purple Knee-zus either faked a ACL to pile on Dan Snyders turf or he actually tore it (unlikely) and took record amounts of steroids= quite the role model. Now he’s trying to set us up again crying about how his throat swelled up and got all dry when thats actually pretty expected behavior for someone sharing a water bottle with Jerome Simpson. Besides all the drugs, All-Pay has developed a reputation off the field as a troublemaker getting arrested in nightclubs for not getting arrested.

Chris Kluwe- I dont know for a fact that Kluwe is the Gay NFL player but it would sure make alot of sense. The long hair, the kicking, the swearing, the reading, the sex with men etc. Kluwes nothing but a distraction who thinks hes a hero because he got the only state that didnt vote for Reagan to support Gay marriage,, yea way to stick it to those Minnesocialist freaks Kluwe. Use to be a time when teams didnt even have punters they had real players who could kick. The worst thing you can say about kickers is that a QB/DB Sonny Baugh had the best punting average of alltime until a year ago.


Dimitrius Underwood- His bio writes itself, classic case of a guy with a nicked brain IMO. he was drafted in the 1st round but quit THE DAY AFTER HE SIGNED HIS ROOKIE CONTRACT. He tried to kill himself with a cutlass right afterward possibly trying to market himself as a unrestricted free agent to the Bucs, but the Cowboys picked him up then he tried to kill himself again by literally playing in traffic. He claims he was tormented by visions of the apocolypse but that excuse could of been made by anyone looking around the Vikes lockeroom in 1998.

*Kommenter Nomination*=Drew Magary- Vikings are a team thats not suppose to have a presence in BIG MEDIA but the last time I saw a face like that on cable more frequently than Drew it was the shoebomber folks. Drew “wrote” for this site for a couple years after getting banned from PFTs comment section (N-Word scandal), but when i say wrote I mean he just took the words “fuck, drip, rusty, Farve, not fair” in a hat and then picked out the ones that didnt have his boogers on them yet to form a sentence. Drews the only author I know whose articles improve logically and grammaticly when you convert them to a word cloud and huff fix-a-flat before reading. The reason Drews here is mostly because the Vikings were the one team I could ignore pretty easily with no consequences since they weren’t good enough to matter in December and they didnt have some loudmouth ex-player on BSPN or NFLN yelling at me about how your playmakers need the damn ball or whatever. And then Drew comes along and now I have to read all about some new tackling dummy named Greg Jennings and why the Vikes could win up to 7 games this year SMH.


Green Bay Packers:

Mark Chmura- Kommenter @AndrosenT has this to say: “You want your TE’s in the cold tub from busting d-ends, not in the hot tub busting hymens.” Thats a really good point. Chmura was a throwback guy who spent a little to much time throwing back Franzia Sunset Blush with his kids babysitter. Its kind of hard to blame him when the girl was pretty much begging for it considering she spent all day looking after his kids acting like she was his wife, which naturally leads to mixed up emotions and mistaken identity goofs. Pretty ironic that a guy who got in trouble for sexing underage girls was known as a great Blocking Tight End but I guess the NFLs full of suprises.

Johnny Jolly- Come on. Jonnys spent half his career getting laid out by a OT and the other half getting laid out by ODs. Playing up in Lean Bay I can understand things getting a little slow off the field but Johnnys rampant drug use makes them more like the GhB Packers.

Randall Woodfield- Woodfields probably the worst draftpick of all time folks. Randall was no joke a straightup serial killer and people forget that. He was selected in the 1974 draft by the Packers, then he went on to commit 44 rapes murders in the Pacific Northwest that somehow he didn’t blame on replacement refs or whatever the excuse of the day was way back when. Not to applaud a guy like that but you have to almost admire him for not getting caught all those years, he was more of a lunchpail murderer who was perfectly happy living under the radar and not begging for media attention unlike some of those guys in the Bengals lockerooms recently. But with cops like those up in Seattle you cant help wonder what else Josh Wilsons getting away with nowdays.

Nahjeh Davenport- Najeh had ball and bowel control issues during his short tenure in the NFL since the only thing looser then his ballhand discipline was his stool. Najeh screamed like a problem child that they couldn’t pin the manure on him but there was more evidence proving he was in that dorm room than there is evidence proving he was ever in the NFL.


Detroit Lions:

Barry Sanders- QUITTER. Barry somehow managed to make the best offensive line in the NFL look like the worst Oline in the NFL and you have to admit that takes some kind of talent. This little waterbug had every type of run over the course of his career except for a meaningful playoff one. He must of thought the NFL was keeping track of JPY (jukes per yard) which is actually a great stat to see which runningback is hated the most by there guys in the trenches for making them look dumb. Theres not enough steak dinners in the state of Michigan to make those guys happy after Barry runs directly at there assignment just so he can invent yet another new kind of way to barely get tackled. Barry was well on his way to setting all sorts of records for least RPYs (rings per year) until he gave up because its a copycat league and all of a sudden everyone had a little rascal running scared and not pass protecting.

Wayne Fontes- Kommenter CBQUE tipped me to Fontes and all his greatness, so I made his actual coaching tree. Its the most depressing coaching tree of all time with the only “highlight” being Andy Reid:


Jahvid Best- People forget that the training room is only there so that you can get out of the training room. Its not there for you to build a small condo and set world records for introducing yourself for the first time to the same personal trainer over and over. Jahvids so bad at ducking headshots Id almost more expect him to be running a wheel route through Dealy plaza than Ford Field and if I’m Goodell I’m taking a hard look at Javid’s insurance application to make sure he labeled “lived in WV” as a preexisting condition.

Matt Millen- Matt Millen Fact: He was the highest paid General Manager in football. Between Millen and General Motors, GMs did more to drive this town into the toilet than anything else besides union thugs and young long wide receivers with robotussin addictions. Now Matts giving you draft and child molestor analysis on ESPN which is appropriate considering Matt pretty much literally bent every Michigan youngster over a snowbank every Sunday after church for 9 years no offense.

Alright folks we’re down to the very worst of the worst, the NFC LEast so give me your Brokebacks, Gnats, Foreskins, and Shegals nominations!

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