Mount Flushmore – NFC South

06.24.13 5 years ago 84 Comments

nfcsouthThe NFC South is a division that plays football and everyone manages 5-10 wins per year so you can imagine how facisnating it was to write about them. Just a headsup though if you dont think you have the stomach for strongtakes theres a cool website called the netscape homepage your more than welcome to stare at for 5 minutes instead of reading this. On to the toilets.

New Orleans Saints:

*Dishonerable mention: John Carney- Carney will always be known for missing a extra point that lost the game for the Saints after a Aaron Brooks to Dante Stallworth connection which are words more frequently found in Lousiana depositions then box scores

Gregg Williams- Gregg may be the only coach to ever lose his team 9 games after he left them besides Jim Johnson. Little known fact about the whole ordeal= The bounty program was actually named after the brand of paper towel rolls Gregg keeps stuffed in the front of his pants. Im not hear to make fun of a guy for his really incredibly awkward bodytype with a mystery bulge thats right below his waste and right above his crotch looking like 3 seperate fannypacks one right on top of the other filed with cash to pay players for ripping out knee ligaments like a bunch of bucktoothed savages but I mean come on.

Archie Manning– New Orleans fans love Archie and they love to pretend like he was a good thing on a bad team but Ive got a news flash if your the QB and the team sucks you suck. Archie loves to ride his sons coatails but the fact is hes only 2/3 on children whove won Superbowls as Kommenter Sill Bimmons puts it, “If Archie had given Olivia one more or one less pump that first time, we wouldn’t have the crop of Mannings we have today.” If he was Carradining himself at the time I bet we’d have almost a flock of Cooopers crawling around if you think about it. People give Archie such a free pass he’s got to feel like a Falcons DB in the 70s,, but he pulled a Bosworth when he told the Chargers that they cant draft Eli just because he and Coughlin wifeswap every New years eve, people forget that.

Joe Horn- Joe thought he was being so clever hiding a phone underneath the goal pad but he actually wasnt. He was dialing 10-10-2-20 to show what his receiveing yardage was through week 5 which you have to admit is pretty embarrassing. Id love to get a oral history of the phone to find out exactly how many seasons Horn kept the burner under the uprights before he finally scored a TD on national television.

Ricky Williams- Anyone whose traded for 7 draftees better be at least a Congressmens only son folks. Ricky started his career by violating all of PFTC’s terms of agreeance for NFL rookies.

  1. Just because your contract says “No Limit” on it doesnt mean your THC levels can be off the charts.
  2. If your going to marry a guy and have a full photospread please dont rub our faces in it by having it be interracial.
  3. If you play in New Orleans you cant shy away from contact like your a Angola rodeo clown,, half the stadium got paroled that week and theyll know your a fraud (not the country Angola thats racist if you even thought that. Im talking about the prison FYI)


Atlanta Falcons:

790 The Zone DJs who apparently are to dumb to say “no offense” before making fun of a guy who types by looking at his brother and just trusting him to figure out what hes thinking so I’m going to write some better ones they could of used here:

  • Knock Knock. Whose there? Steve. Steve who? Steve Gleason I might not be able to speak but I sexted the clit off your wife last night.
  • Knock Knock. Whose there? Nofe. Nofe who? Nofesnse Mr. DJ but your medical bills are going to be even higher then mine because your fired and you and your family dont have health insurance anymore. *Drops the mic* (it rolled off his lap no offense)

Eugene Robinson- Eugene won the Christian football player man of the year award the day before the Superbowl and celebrated by going out to get his trophy polished by a Miami Hooker. As a safety for the Falcons I know he must feel comfortable around ghetto Corners but on Superbowl Eve your head needs to be in the game not some streetwalking cubans sassy mouth IMO.

Andre Rison- The only thing more broke than Andre these days is all the windows in cars that play the CD he recorded with Left eye. Lopes burned Risons house down but that was nothing compared to the way Andres career went down in flames when teams figured out he was a distraction. During his time in ATL the only “Dirty Bird” youd see would be his middle finger after haltime rendezvoos with half the LaFace recording family.

Mike Vick- Everyone and there mom called me racist when I predicted before he even got drafted that Mike Vick would have his career cut short for dogfighting arrests well whose the racist now? Im not sure who had a worse 5 year span, Mike as a Falcon, or the 1998-2003 Virgina Tech admissions department for letting in Mike, Cho Seung-Hui and Marcus over a 5 years span.


Carolina Panthers:

Rae Carruth- I mean come on

Lesbian Cheerleaders- There the bathroom attendents of Mt Flushmore folks. Like most redblooded Americans its my dream to make two lesbians have sex with me, so if these two pussycats were enjoying this bathroom fun with one lucky fan it would of been hands down swept under the stinky rug. The cheerleaders had obviously done there research because they were perfectly demonstrating how Panthers clean themselves.

Ricky Manning- Ricky may have intercepted McNabb 3 times in a playoff game but if thats criteria for being a great player then the HOFs waiting list would be as long as a Charlotte-area Golden Corral motorized-dining-wheelchair permit application stack. Manning also is a 2-time felon, the first for being too a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e and beating up two male cheerleaders , the second time he was arrested for assaulting a guy for using a laptop at a Dennys and calling him a nerd which in fairness you are a nerd if your plowing through more spreadsheets then flapjacks during baconalia.

Cam Newtown- Coach-Killa Cam has Rivera on a one-way ticket back to coaching defense. Forget about the West-coast offense Cam looks like he’s more prepped to run the West Side Offense. A strong argument can be made for Cam becoming less selfish as hes taken a paycut to play for Jerry Richardson over Auburn, but the only things that more on-again off-again than his accuracy is his do-rag. I’m going to call big tall Cam “Tower 1” because youll watch him bring down the team from the inside on national TV this year just watch.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

Keyshawn Johnson- MeShawns in the same class as Terrell Owens except hes less likely to stretch the field and more likely to stretch out the waste on his warmup pants. Coach Gruden liked grinders but even he had to admit Keyshawn spent to much time freakdancing with all the Tampa tramps to be trusted with a playbook. Keyshawn spent so much time getting under covers in St. Petersburg that he forgot how to get under a cover 2 on Sundays, and you can only push Gruden so far before he snaps although its kind of hard to tell when exactly that is.

Tony Dungy- Saying Tony set the Bucs up to win the Superbowl is like saying the dog masturbator in Winnipeg is the person to thank for horsy sauce being so darn tasty. When your owners fire you so that they can actively engage Al Davis in trade talks for your replacement, thats when you know your a turkey. Tonys soft-spoken but thats only because his eardrums would straightup explode if he talked over a low murmer folks.

Doug Williams- Doug Trilliams was the original me-first holdout QB and its not about his race either. He was getting well over 6 figures to play A SPORT and he quit the Bucs to go to the AFL before sabotaging Jay Schroeders health in Washington. Williams also was the 1st Black qb so its a shame he couldnt of been a better player or human to set a good example for the kids at home who grew up into a certain other QBs who seem to be spending there whole offseason buying fancy houses in North Virginia and setting up registrys at Foot Locker.

Warrick Dunn- Sure “Work Done” may of filled up the individual trophy cases with Man of the Year awards when he made up the second half of the Allstott and Allstat backfield, but its no suprise the Bucs brought home the Lombardi only after putting “Dunn and Dungyer” on the last Greyhound out of Florida. They brought Warrick back for a curtain call but who knew itd be harder to krump your way into the endzone when you have Michael Pittman flexing for the camras instead of putting a hat on a hat like Allstot.


Next up is the NFC Norris! division with Bears Packers Vikings and Lions I know a certain quitting RB whose practicly etched in stone already.


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