Mark Sanchez: Well, I had a really great time tonight.
High School Girl: Me, too.
Mark Sanchez: Like… really great.
High School Girl: Yeah.
Mark Sanchez: I mean… that restaurant we ate at? That was really good.
High School Girl: Yeah. Totally. It was great.
Mark Sanchez: And you! You’re, like, really awesome.
High School Girl: I think you’re awesome, too.
Mark Sanchez: Awesome.
High School Girl: Awesome.
Mark Sanchez: So… do you want to come up to my place and screw? I play quarterback and stuff.
High School Girl: Sure.
(bedroom door flies open)
High School Girl: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH… DON’T STOP LICKING MY PUSSY! DON’T STOP LICKING MY PUSSY!
Mark Sanchez: Mmmfff fmmmfff mmmfff dmmmfff
High School Girl: OH MY FUCKING GOD! THAT’S SO FUCKING HOT!
Mark Sanchez: (pulls up) Wait.
High School Girl: Wait? Wait, what? I was about to come right there.
Mark Sanchez: I think I lost a contact.
High School Girl: Well, FIND IT.
Mark Sanchez: I think it’s on your vagina.
High School Girl: On my vagina?
Mark Sanchez: Or in it. I think your vagina may have eaten it. Can they do that?
High School Girl: Well, just… find it, will ya?
Mark Sanchez: Okay. Just… hang on and we’ll be back in business shortly.
Ooh! I see something shiny!
High School Girl: Did you find it?
Mark Sanchez: Actually, your whole vagina is shiny. It’s kind of amazing. It’s like you doused it in floor polish.
High School Girl: Keep looking!
Mark Sanchez: Okay, okay. Wait! I think I got it.
High School Girl: OH MY FUCKING GOD YES YES YES!
Mark Sanchez: Excuse me, but could you, like, NOT have an orgasm while I’m doing this?
High School Girl: Sorry.
Mark Sanchez: Shit, I can’t find it now. Wait! I got it!
High School Girl: OUCH! WATCH YOUR FINGERNAILS!
Mark Sanchez: Oh God, I’m really sorry. I’m really, really sorry.
High School Girl: Did you get the contact?
Mark Sanchez: Yep. I don’t think it tore. NICE!
(puts contact back in without washing it)
Okay! Now… where were we? I do believe I was giving you… la lengua caliente…
(starts to go back down)
High School Girl: Actually, I already sort of came. So we can just start fucking if you want.
Mark Sanchez: That’s all right with you?
High School Girl: Sure. Go nuts.
Mark Sanchez: All right! NICE! Here we go! Little bit of fucking coming right up!
(goes to put on condom)
High School Girl: What?
Mark Sanchez: Things have gone a bit south, unfortunately.
High School Girl: (looks down) Oh.
Mark Sanchez: Hang on just a second.
(closes eyes, uses hand)
High School Girl: Can I do anything?
Mark Sanchez: No, no. Should have the old fella up and running in just a second.
(keeps using hand)
Any minute now.
(keeps using hand)
Just a few more seconds.
(keeps using hand)
Won’t be long, I swear.
High School Girl: Do you want me to use my mouth?
Mark Sanchez: Actually, I don’t really like it. I know that sounds insane, but I get really ticklish down there. Plus there was this one girl I was with once who used her teeth too much, and I kinda got post-traumatic stress from it.
High School Girl: Oh.
Mark Sanchez: But don’t worry! I have quite the knack for last second comebacks, if you catch my drift.
High School Girl: I don’t actually know anything about football.
Mark Sanchez: I meant I’d be hard again soon.
High School Girl: Oh.
Mark Sanchez: Okay… almost there… let’s give it a whirl.
(tries to stick it in)
Hang on. Hold still. Just one good thrust and I should be able to stuff it in there.
High School Girl: My head’s hitting the headboard.
Mark Sanchez: Shit. Okay, on three we scoot down. One two three…
(they scoot down)
Maybe if you got on top?
High School Girl: Okay.
(gets on top)
No. No, I don’t think that’s working. Do you need to watch some porn or something?
Mark Sanchez: No. Of course not. Just hang on…
High School Girl: Can I grab a yogurt or something while I wait?
Mark Sanchez: No! I got this.
(keeps using hand)
Come on… you little bastard. Come on!
High School Girl: Hey, I think I hear something outside the door.
Mark Sanchez: It’s probably just someone’s cat or something.
High School Girl: No, I think there’s someone coming.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU FUCKIN’, BOYS?!
High School Girl: Coach Rex Ryan of the Jets?
Ryan: Oh, Nacho. Nacho, I’m disappointed in you, son. I never thought I’d have to do this, but from now on your new nickname is FLACCIDO DOMINGO.
Mark Sanchez: I’m kind of in the middle of something, coach.
Ryan: I don’t think you’re in the middle of anything, Flaccido. I’d say you’re at the end of it! The very soft, limp, sad end! Nothing like when I was putting the wood to the missy last night! Oh, you should have seen me, Flaccido. I had my gun holster on and everything! Ever fuck with a 9mm on your hip? EXTRA FIREPOWER!
Mark Sanchez: How’d you know we were in here anyway?
Ryan: From the camera I had installed.
Mark Sanchez: You put a camera in?
Ryan: Jeezum crow, Flaccido! There’s a lockout coming! DON’T YOU GET THAT?! No more football! No more blitzing! No more attacking! No more going out for tits and milkshakes after a win! What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? I need a hobby, Domingo. I need shit to do! And the missy’s shooting schedule is booked through April!
Mark Sanchez: Look, Coach. I appreciate the concern, but I got this taken care of, okay?
Ryan: No, no, no. You need help, and I don’t walk out on my players when they need help. When they need the proper game plan for FUCKING LIKE A GODDAMN BEAR. Now, this is a fine young woman here. You don’t mind me saying that, do you ma’am?
High School Girl: No, sir.
Ryan: Are you of age?
High School Girl: I’m seventeen. But that’s legal age in New York. I think it’s fourteen in Buffalo.
Ryan: Seventeen! Goddamn! They build seventeen-year-olds like thirty-year-olds now. It’s unreal! Are you sober and what not?
High School Girl: Yes, sir.
Ryan: And you come from a nice family?
High School Girl: My dad runs a hedge fund.
Ryan: Hedges, huh? Well, he does a nice job with the trim.
High School Girl: He’s kind of a dick. I don’t see him that often.
Ryan: Aw, that’s kind of sad. NO GOOD PUSSY SHOULD EVER BE LONELY. Now Flaccido, I think I can help you here.
Mark Sanchez: You can help me by LEAVING, Coach.
Ryan: No, no. I insist. Now, that little taquito of yours is failing to cooperate, is it not?
Mark Sanchez: Little bit.
Ryan: But you’ve used it expertly in the past, right?
Mark Sanchez: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Flaccido has hit himself a high note or two! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Sanchez on the ass, HARD)
Mark Sanchez: Ouch!
Ryan: Let me talk to your penis.
Mark Sanchez: What?
Ryan: Give me five minutes with it. That’s all I ask.
Mark Sanchez: No! That’s weird!
Ryan: I’m not gonna bite the damn thing’s head off! I just want to talk some sense into it!
Mark Sanchez: This is embarrassing.
Ryan: You’ll thank me when it’s over. I talked to Ray Lewis’ penis after it got out of prison and it did that penis a world of good. You should see some of the church donors it’s plowed through since then. Come on. Let me have a little word with the feller.
Mark Sanchez: Fine. But stay at least a foot away from it.
Ryan: Scout’s honor.
Okay, penis. You listen to me. I know you’ve had some good times out there. Flaccido told me about that pussy cruise you took in the Bahamas…
High School Girl: What’s a pussy cruise?
Mark Sanchez: It’s not important!
Ryan: You’ve had some success in your past. But a real penis is judged not by his successes, but by how he handles adversity. No one becomes Top Cock without hitting a few bumps on Cooch Road. And you just hit a big one, feller. I know you feel broken down. I know you feel beaten. But it’s times like these when you need to fucking PUSH. When you need to put your self-pity aside and POWER FUCKING THROUGH THAT SHIT! You are a FUCKING WINNER! You hear me? I know you have it in you! I’ve seen you in action!
Mark Sanchez: You have?
Ryan: Yeah, last week. That waitress. You did a great job, by the way. (turns back to penis) I know you think you’re probably done for the night. I know how that feeling of defeat can creep up on you. You think you’re ready to go, only things don’t go as planned and you try so hard to get it all back. You hate yourself when you can’t make it happen. BUT YOU CAN’T WALLOW IN THAT SHIT. Forget about what happened, or what you think should happen. Let it go. Put it behind you. You still have some fight left in you, little Flaccido. I DIDN’T WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR TO COACH SOME GODDAMN LOSER PENIS. You are gonna get in that pussy and you are gonna fucking DOMINATE! You’re gonna ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!
NOW BRING IT IN!
Mark Sanchez: Uh…
Ryan: Bring it a little bit in, but not so much that people might get the wrong idea.
Mark Sanchez: (takes very small step forward)
Ryan: Are you ready, little guy? Are you ready to swell with blood and inflate to the size of eight telephone poles? Are you ready to BECOME THE COBRA?! Because I know you have it in you! THE TAPE DOESN’T LIE! You’re gonna nail that vagina, and you’re gonna win! And then we’re gonna go out for lobster tails and teenage pussy!
Mark Sanchez: I already got the second part nailed down, Coach.
Ryan: Who’s gonna turn down seconds? FUCKING HARD ON THREE ONE TWO THREE HARD!!!!
(penis springs up)
Mark Sanchez: Holy shit, that worked!
Ryan: Go get ‘em, buddy.
High School Girl: Uh… no.
Mark Sanchez: What?
High School Girl: You guys are weird. And I have an Algebra test tomorrow. So… yeah.
(gets dressed and leaves)
Mark Sanchez: Well, what the hell do I do now?
Ryan: Don’t worry. That hard-on will last you at least six hours. Personal guarantee. Just call up one of your side dishes and you’ll be ready to FUCKING WIN. COBRA!!!!
Sanchez: What are you gonna do?
Ryan: I gotta use your shitter. Don’t start without me! I call your best watchin’ chair!