So two days ago on my incredibly accurate power rankings of NFL announcers I made a throwaway joke that NBC’s football coverage sucks and it’s like they are compiling a super hero team of bad football announcers/commentators. Well I was mostly just being mean, but I looked into it a bit more, and by god, I was right. Somewhere in NBC sits someone with incredible talent at putting together the worst people for commenting on Football. NBC’s Sunday Night Football is already a bloated disgusting mess of presentation that hurts to watch, from the cringeworthy opening song/music video of players awkwardly standing there as Carrie Underwood does her best Faith Hill impression to the final few minutes where Collinsworth and Michaels don’t even recap the game but instead talk about how great next Sunday’s matchup is going to be. In between we have loads of commercials and the worst halftime show crew ever assembled.
They are the Avengers of suck. The Doesn’t do Football Justice League. The Fantastic Four hours of wasted time. The Sinister Primetime Slot. Look at the Wikipedia page. Look at it. Read the names. SNF is the highest rated football program every week and usually the biggest ratings draw in America and they somehow pull in all these viewers with zero people worth listening to.
So who are they, exactly? Lets look at these mighty heroes of grand suckitude.
Alter ego: Bob Costas, local republican
Super Powers: Being a holier-than-thou spouter of mind numbing and insulting traditionalism masking itself as good old American values.
Secondary powers: getting pink eye at the Olympics
Bob Costas is a longtime treasured hero, a legacy hero with nothing but a storied career and accolades. He’s been around so long that he’s become lazy and narcissistic, choosing to now deliver the word of Costas to the world every Sunday Night in a way that is sure to rally all the grumpy old people who hate change and fun. The last time Bob Costas wasn’t intolerable on SNF was when he was interviewing Jerry Sandusky. If the only way to make yourself not terrible is to stand next to a literal monster, maybe it’s time to shut up.
Alter Ego: Cris Collinsworth, wrinkled old turtle
Super Powers: Never shutting up about himself
Secondary Powers: Throws clichés like ninja stars
Captain Smug is a recent addition to the Avengers, he joined when John Madden was defeated by the Super Villian known as Bad Diet. He’s quickly become a crowd favorite and is the most powerful member of the crew, throwing his cliché ninja stars at people from miles away. Don’t criticize him, you might end up with a “Dynamic Playmaker” lodged in your chest as he stands over you telling you about the one time he played against the Bears 30 years ago.
Alter Ego: Al Michaels, town drunk
Super Powers: Not being terrible
Secondary Powers: liver of steel
Boozeinator is another legacy hero, the Batman to Bob Costas Superman. Boozeinator doesn’t do much these days outside watch hockey and get pulled over for DUIs after saving primetime once again.
Alter Ego: Peter King, beat reporter for a coffee blog
Super Powers: Able to shill and defend the NFL at all costs, is controlled by a mysterious force (it’s Goodell)
Secondary Powers: Racism
I don’t have to explain why Peter King is terrible to KissingSuzyKolber.com.
Alter Ego: Mike Florio, failed lawyer, most successful West Virginian in history
Super Powers: building a website empire around writing misleading headlines
Secondary Powers: throwing temper tantrums when he gets called out on his crap
Snark Man was a failed lawyer that no one respected so he decided one day that he’d show everyone. He’d start a site, write misleading headlines taking quotes severely out of context to generate clicks, add in little smug barbs at the end for “Flavor”, and never give any more detail to his mysterious “Sources”. Now he’s a millionaire and gets into slap fights on twitter when not spewing garbage at the screen for the Avengers.
Alter Ego: Tony Dungy, homophobe
Super Powers: The Dungy Glare
Secondary powers: can produce black holes that remove all charisma from any room
No one is quite sure how someone who looks like a grunt level bad guy from Warcraft with no personality whatsoever managed to get a job as a TV personality. Dungy has the charisma of dry wall and will frequently spend much of his screentime staring blankly into space. They call this the “Dungy Stare”, and it’s said that the longer he looks at you, the more of your Soul he absorbs.
Alter Ego: Rodney Harrison, local jerk
Super Powers: Finding the bars with all the Cheap Shots
Secondary Powers: Not being able to defend a career special team homophobe from making the world’s greatest Super Bowl catch
Rodney Harrison isn’t afraid of giving HOT TAEKS and being condescending to former teammates in the name of seeming impartial. He’s basically Tiki Barber with more Super Bowl wins. Most of what he says ends up being wrong.
Alter Ego: Hines Ward, amorphous blob
Super Powers: Smiling too much
Secondary Powers: Having a jersey worn by the “not from Pittsburgh” Steelers fan in every bar in America
The Avengers of Suck used to be able to handle threats of having a decent halftime show by simply throwing Preacher out there to tell viewers how to feel, but lately Preacher hasn’t been up to snuff on his morality lectures so they stuck in the meat blob of smiles known as the Thing. Thing adds much needed space wasting to Preacher’s slower days. Don’t make thing angry, or he will say nothing of value even harder.
Alter Ego: Michele Tafoya
Super Powers: Having two X chromosomes
Secondary Powers: See Super Powers
Is woman. Every Super Team needs a woman. Given 3rd place role as commentating team member, but doesn’t actually get any good missions.
Alter Ego: Dan Patrick
Super Powers: Not being that terrible
Secondary Powers: not being noticed due to everyone else around him being terrible
Sometimes people need a second job to pay the bills. If I have to harp on Patrick, I think he kind of looks like Ronald Reagan.
Past forgotten members of the Avengers of Suck:
Boom (John Madden)
Anger Man (Keith Olbermann)
The Backstabber (Tiki Barber)
Sterling Silver Surfer (Sterling Sharpe)
The Bus (Jerome Bettis)
…I’m just really happy I got to draw Hines Ward as a turd