This is Pink, wildly untalented pop star and card-carrying member of the Sarah Jessica Parker Club For Unattractive Famous Women Oddly Considered Attractive By Gay Magazine Editors. Anyway, get used to seeing Pink a lot this year, because NBC has hired Pink to perform their signature Sunday Night Football theme song. Pink’s song will be called “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” and will be sung to the tune of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Loving You.”
I know what you’re thinking: NFL fans and Pink fans really are one and the same. I know I’m a 14-year-old girl. Me and the NFL are tighter than Raven-Symone’s nether regions. But I find a few things odd about this. First of all, I’m not waiting all day for Sunday Night. There’s football on ALL DAY on Sunday during the regular season. I don’t say to myself during those games, “Boy, I can’t wait for this football to end so I can watch football!” If it was on Monday Night, then I get it. But Sunday is awesome. The next day is work. I don’t want that. If anything, the song should be called “Cowering In Terror For Sunday Night, Because Fucking Monday Is That Much Closer.”
And really, does anything say “football” quite like an old 1988 Joan Jett semi-hit? Does NBC know their audience or what? I know all our angry black commenters will be jazzed to hear this news. A couple of facts about Jett’s song. It was originally titled, “I Hate Myself Because I Can’t Get Laid”. Which makes wayyyyy more sense when we’re talking about the NFL demographic. The song was also co-written by Desmond Child, who wrote “Livin’ On a Prayer,” the 2006 theme song for the Jets, 49ers, Browns, and myriad other shitty teams. Child also wrote songs for Michael Bolton, Cher, and Ricky Martin. And that triumvirate is fucking Badass. I know it makes me want to go out and hit somebody.
So get ready fans, because your prime time NFL theme music is coming courtesy of an artificially eccentric pop starlet and a country music dinosaur who I swear has a fake beard. Enjoy!