The slogan for the new line of Nike NFL jerseys is “Fast is Faster” but maybe it should be “FAT IS FATTER!”
[high-fives Steve Serby while squeezing a bike horn]
Anyway, the league’s behemoths are upset because the form-fitting jerseys don’t complement their misshapen forms. If they just stop complaining for a minute, Roger Goodell would be glad to treat each of them to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
“I hate them. They are built for thin guys,” said Alex Boone, a 300-pound starting guard for the San Francisco 49ers. “It makes me look like I have big old love handles.”
“I don’t really care for the new jerseys,” said Baltimore Ravens defensive lineman Terrence Cody, who is 349 pounds and 6 feet 4. “I feel like they should put different material in for the big guys.”
Different material. Like bacon, for example.
— Carlos Rogers said the Jets quit during their 34-0 loss to the 49ers. Good thing he told us. Most people quit watching halfway through that blowout.
— The Chargers depth chart is now listing Jackie Battle as their starting running back. Sorry, everyone who was stupid enough to take Ryan Mathews in fantasy. This includes me because I am a big stupid.
— Santonio Holmes was placed for IR, so the Jets will need someone else to quit on them and badmouth their shitty QBs for the rest of the season.
— To that end, New York has signed Jason Hill, who referred to the Jets as “overhyped” last year. So at least the team knows he has basic awareness skills.
— Kevin Boss is done for the season because of complications of a concussion. The silver lining is he will be spared when the bloody Arrowhead Spring takes the team headquarters before the FBI is forced to intervene.
— Mike Tomlin wanted to sign Michael Vick back in 2009 but the Rooneys wouldn’t let him because he wasn’t sufficiently rapey.
— Broncos fullback Chris Gronkowski said he’s gonna be looking to light up his brother Rob if both are playing on special teams on Sunday. Already I’m more interested in this than the usual Brady-Manning theatrics.
— The Week 7 Raiders-Jaguars game could be moved to that Monday night because of baseball. If this results another ESPN doubleheader with Chris Berman announcing the late game, it will only redouble my commitment to hating America’s former pastime.