NFL Analyst Power Rankings (Official) The #1 Poweranked NFL Analyst In The World is…

05.29.13 4 years ago 71 Comments

I’m PFT Commenter and I’m counting down the 10 sharpest minds in the industry. Where will your favorite analyst or sports person land? (probably not high)

Here’s a recap of the rankings so far:

10. Mike and Mike

9. Rush Limbaugh

8. Jim Rome

7. Chris Berman

6. Rick Reilly

5. Pete Prisco

4. Merril Hoge

3. The Entire Cast of the CBS NFL Sunday Show

2. Mike Florio

and your number 1 NFL analyst is…………… guessed it,

1. Joe Theismann


Infotainment Value: 10

Joe Theisman is as polished as polished comes folks. Despite having the calcium defenciency of a East African pirate hes got the whitest pearly whites in the business. Theismann and Kornheiser in the booth during MNF will never be topped Dont Care if they get Matt Birk, Farve and BigBen up there in 2018 (CANT WAIT (Bart Scott voice)), Despite his Dapper Dan exterior, the guys in the trenches on those old Redskin teams will tell you that Joe was tough as nails and they could of won 5 titles if Doug Williams didnt come in and mess everything up. Theisman had the Hogs playing like primo tenderloin, Williams turned them into Pork Rinds not in a racial way.

The thing I enjoy most about Theisman is how its all genuine, theres not a fake bone in his body much to Lawrence Taylors chagrinn. He is first and foremost respectful of his audience and goes out of his way to make sure that there learning everything there is to know about football and also selling his prostate supplement.

Being a Pros Pro: 10

Not to sound Gay or whatever but Theismans handsome and gets along with almost everyone thats why he bounces a round so much. Hes worked for ABC then CBS then ESPN then NFL network, then Dan Snyder, also American Gladiators.

He also hosts radio shows sometimes w/ Vinny Cerrato which you have to imagine is like listening in on a sleepover with two best friends trying to make there cats have sex with each other.

Joes so polished that when they inevitably make a movie out of his life he will play himself and WTC building 7 will play his right leg.

Strength of Takes: 11

Theisman is the only guy Ive ever seen who can narrate a replay of something and just a hundred percent make up what is happening in the replay, be wrong, and keep telling you the thing that he thinks is happening. Then by the end of the replay he has you totally convinced that what you saw was incorrect= Joes like the best parts of Hitler without,you know anyways thats how strong his takes are. ESPN had to let him go because he was so effective in teaching the game to viewers so there would be no more need for analysts. I have it on good authority that Jaws, Gruden, and Tirico organized some thug union and forced him out because they thought everyone would lose there jobs because fans would be to educated. Here are some of Theismans takes:

  • He changed how you pronounce his name to generate more buzz for his underated ND teamates. If Te’o was smart he would of named his fake girlfriend Bea C. Ess
  • Theisman says Lebron James would be a elite NFL QB if he let Theisman train him for a year. HINT: You have to be able to read to run the read option Lebron.
  • Theismann also would go on the record and say things like “you dont want a tall fast receiver when you could have a short fast receiver” which makes alot of sense on account of the taller you are the more of you there is to hit.
  • Also he called the University of Miami “The M”.
  • Heres a cool Theismann quote: “Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.”
  • His wife asked him why he “cheated” on her (technicaly if you win a Lombardi theres a bit of a unwritten rule of the NFL that you’ll take some liberties on your vows. Thats why it was a big deal when Marino got caught cheating). His answer: ‘God wants Joe Theismann to be happy.’

Best Career Moment: The entire season he announced Thursday Night Football when it was literally him and Matt Millen in a booth together being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to analyze football out loud for 4 hours a week broadcasting their knowledge to millions of viewers who paid extra money for that channel.

Total Score: 31 God Bless Joe Theismann its been a great ride folks. Thoughts+prayers go out to best of the rest including Whitlock, Cowherd, Skip, SVP, Stink, Ditka, Rob Parker, PK, and the rest of you buffoons.

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