So recently I stumbled into the drinks isle at my local grocer looking for electrolytes, and I was surprised to see Eli Manning (or possibly Zac Efron in an Eli jersey) staring back at me.
I quickly noticed that it appears Gatorade now has an NFL product tie-in theme going with the NFL. Five flavors of G (that I know of) now feature comic book inspired images of NFL captains with silly names. I decided to put these flavors to the test and find out who wins the Super Bowl… of flavor. One thing is for sure, I’m going to be really hydrated by the end of this article. Lets look at our flavors, shall we?
Peyton Manning – The Sheriff (orange)
Cam Newton – The Blender (glacier freeze)
JJ Watt – Megawatt (fruit punch)
Eli Manning – Big Easy (blue cherry)
RG3 – Triiiple Impact (lemon lime)
Also for my review today, I have selected a referee, a neutral party, Gatorade Frost, aka Gatorade Semen.
Lets start with RG3 Triiiple Impact.
Style – First off, I’m immediately annoyed that for a product nicknamed “triple impact”, there are only two flavors, lemon and lime. Nice going, Gatorade. The RG3 on the package is giving me the bedroom eyes. I pour out a couple of ounces and immediately I hit another problem, it looks as if I’m drinking RGpee.
Taste – Tastes like RGpee too. Kind of sour and bitter, not sweet, and has that awkward aftertaste (That I dub Gator taste) that sticks in your mouth making it feel funny that all Gatorade seems to have. Not my favorite. Makes me weak in the knees.
Lets move on to Big Easy Manning
Style – I like this packaging a lot more. Eli has the proper Eli face on him, mouth slightly agape with a hint of befuddlement.
This Blue Cherry flavor is marketed under the “Gatorade Fierce” line of ‘ades, which strikes me as an odd choice because nobody would pick Eli Manning as fierce. I pour it out, and Big Easy kind of looks like the cleaning fluid you use to clean the toilet. Not terribly appetizing and far too cartoonishly blue.
Taste – Eli Manning tastes delicious. There is no such thing as Blue Cherry, but whatever crazy artificial flavors the scientists have developed at Gator headquarters, they outdid themselves. It is perfect. Not too sweet, not too sour, less weird Gator taste than normal. Eli is a winner.
Down the line we now get to our only defensive player and non-QB, JJ Watt.
Style – Megawatt is an obvious pun and less than inspired choice, but considering the Gatorade lighting bolt logo I can forgive it. JJ Watt looks like the dentist just told him to open wide, and for some reason his right arm is way shorter than his left. It’s simply red and looks like every fruit punch flavored drink ever, so it’s the first one of these to not repulse me.
Taste – I detect no fruit nor punch, but it’s still pretty good.
Let’s do Peter King’s favorite, Cam Newton, THE BLENDER.
Style – The Blender? What? What kind of a name is that? What does Cam Newton blend? The traits of a RB with a QB? RG3 was already doing that, and was called triple impact, which is like the same thing, but less stupid. The name for Cam’s Gatorade is just stupid. Cam himself looks okay, although his tongue is kind of falling out. It also carries an ice theme, being Gatorade Frost, which makes zero sense for a guy who played football at Auburn and now in Carolina. It also looks like cleaning fluid.
Taste – Starts out smooth then once it hits the playoffs it dies fast.
Lastly, lets do the Pizza Man. Peyton Manning, The Sheriff.
Style – This one has probably the best branding. Nothing really wrong here. Orange fits the Orange crush, Peyton looks angry and is making hand gestures, as he does. Orange is an inoffensive flavor and isn’t trying to be crazy like Blue Cherry. Overall, it’s well done to the point of being just bland enough to offend no one. This makes it easily a step above the others. It looks like really dehydrated pee, but mostly like Orange Drink.
Taste – You know that orange sugar drink your mom used to make for you when your friends were over? The stuff that isn’t tang but a tang knockoff, and is basically just sugar water with a weird color and taste? Yeah it’s that stuff.
The Ref, Gatorade Semen
Style – Not related to an NFL player, just a control group for these tests. They really, really need to work on not making it look like semen though, because look at it.
Taste – The best out of all of them. Now I just feel weird about my life.
Overall, if you have to pick one of the 5 flavors, I’d go with Big Easy or Megawatt. They taste the best and capture the look of the players well. If you want to be bland and boring, go with the Sheriff. If you think you’re cute and quirky but are in reality just annoying and stupid, pick The Blender. For the rest of you, hydrate yourself to death by drinking RGpee. Oh and the Semen looking one? Totally fantastic, just don’t guzzle it in public.
Now lets get weird.
Incest Flavor (Eli and Peyton)
Verdict – WAY TASTIER THAN IT LOOKS
The NFC (RGpee, Eli, and Cam)
Verdict – ALSO WAY TASTIER THAN YOU’D THINK. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE
The old guard and the new guard (Peyton and RGpee)
Verdict – not bad, better than both individually. I’ve discovered Gatorade’s devious plot: make Gatorade taste way better when combined with other Gatorades, now to get full Gator power you have to buy at least two different Gatorades. Damn you Gatorade! Gatorade. Fine. Fuck it. We’re doing it live. All of them. All 5 players. Lets do this.
It looks like diarrhea.
It tastes like fruit punch. My conclusion: Gatorade is magic, and cannot be turned into something bad, it can only be bad if you just decide to invest your entire Gatorade future on RG3, because he can’t handle it.