From the Desk of the Commissioner:
As you’re probably now aware, the editorial board of the New York Times advocated for a repeal on the United States’ prohibition of marijuana in a recent op-ed piece. They laid out several arguments: the fact that marijuana is supposedly less dangerous than alcohol and tobacco, the alleged health benefits, and something about an increased prison population.
But they forgot one very important fact: marijuana is a drug. And, last time I checked, drugs are bad.
How bad? According to a recent study funded by the league, very bad. Several of our top doctors spent countless hours researching the effects of prolonged marijuana use. Their findings are shocking:
- One hit of a marijuana joint, or doobie, was directly responsible for the death of several laboratory rats.
- Marijuana impairs a user’s judgement. Under normal circumstances a medical professional would never think laboratory rats and boa constrictors could peacefully co-exist.
- Marijuana can negatively affect one’s ability to drive. One researcher got in his car to go home, fell asleep before even putting his keys in the ignition, and woke up in an impound lot in Hackensack.
- Continued use of marijuana is actually pretty sweet. If you consider unplanned pregnancies “sweet.”
- Marijuana does ease the pain of arthritis, but having a NERF war while you’re “high” instantly negates any health benefits the drug provides.
- Marijuana is a gateway drug. One minute you’re toking down on some reefer smoke, the next you’re selling your body on the side of a highway in New Jersey because you can’t afford to get your car out of hock.
Science doesn’t lie. Which is why I’m going on record by saying the NFL officially denounces the opinion of the New York Times, and will continue to treat marijuana users as criminals – forcing them to serve a minimum four-game suspension upon testing positive. The league doesn’t take such actions lightly, and I’m greatly disappointed in the Times editorial board for their careless support of such amoral and life-threatening behavior.
I’ve also decided to reduce Ray Rice’s suspension to zero games. Go figure.