If theres one person who has pinned back more ears than the Attleboro City Coroner looking for entry wounds its Commissioner Roger Goodell. Acting in the best interest of the Shield, Goodell doesn’t even have to wait for a player to be convicted of a crime if his Expendables-like team of NFL Sercurity determines you maybe screwed up. As of now Former (and maybe never) NFL Player Aaron Hernandez isn’t suspended but even if he’s not convicted of a crime you can bet Goodell will still bring the hammer down once his investigators find out the exact number of murders hes committed under the new CBA.
Through league sources I’ve been able to obtain the chart Goodell uses for determining how crimes translate to on-field suspensions:
Possession of Marijuana with Intent to Distribute/Smoke- 3 games
Internal (butt or standard nose-sniffed)Possession of Cocaine – 4 games
Drunk Driving- 2 games
Drunk Driving off Bud Light, the official sponsor of the NFL and Fans everywhere- 1 game. Reduced to $15k fine if the player looks into the police dashboard camera and says “Here We Go!™” with a nice wink right when the cops cuff him
Murder- AT LEAST 5 games. Possibly more depending on the NFL/ESPNs proprietary Total Murderer Rating (TMR) scale that takes into account the victims race, the players race, and potential impact on TV ratings and previous character issues/contract disputes.
Obstruction of Justice- 10 games. Lying is usually worse then the crime your accused of committing. If theres one thing Goodell can’t stand its getting in the way of swift judgement. Its one thing to be disrepected and fly off the handle and kill half the aspiring rappers in Foxboro, its another to premeditatedly lie about it. There’s no 5th Amendment in the NFL, the only right you have to remain silent is apparently if you’re a prideful straight white male player these days SMH.
Sexual Assault/Hard Rape- 8 games reduced to 4 if you get into a committed relationship with a respectable lady you plan on marrying instead of getting seduced into random bathroom stalls with these platinum blonde floozys.
Strip Club Bonus- Added 2 game suspension if any of these crimes took place in or near a strip club. Roger Goodell HATES strip club’s,, if you want to make it rain around girls with there boobs out just write a check for the Susan Komen Foundation every October no offense.
Precrime- 1 game. Offsides is the on-the-field equivilent of precrime, which only gets you 5 yards but if you need League Security to babysit you to stop you from stabbing a bouncer who tells you to change your shoes you need to sit one out.
Robbing a Gas Station- 10 games
Robbing Gas Customers- Congrats you get to own the Cleveland Browns*
*Implied 12-game per year forfeiture