Norv Turner: Men, I want to compliment you for coming through on Sunday against Tennessee. I know I lost my composure there at halftime, but it’s only because I care passionately about this team and want to see it succeed. I know I’m not typically an outwardly emotional guy and I want you to know it’s not simply because I’m personally invested in seeing this team win because it would prolong my career as a head coach.
No, it’s because I see the potential in you, men. And I know you are capable of more. I feel like I have wasted that potential and owe you better. That’s my reason for the outburst and why I’m so proud that you were able to overcome a huge deficit to get the victory on Sunday. Wins haven’t been easy for us to come by this season, but we haven’t been far off in most of our losses. That’s no solace or excuse, just a fact. Injuries have forced a lot of young players to step up and we’re going to need them to continue to do so until we get back to full strength. As unlikely as it may seem, this season can still be salvaged.
Seyi Ajirotutu: Yeah, man, don’t count us out! We can build on this!
Antonio Gates: Who are you?
Norv: We’ve got another tough game Sunday against Houston. They’ve got one of the more talented offenses in the league, but our defense has shown they have the capability to shut them down. We cut down on the mental errors and the three of four kickoff returns for TDs we give up next week, we can beat anyone. All it takes is one win for us to get the wind to our backs, to make another improbably charge to the playoffs. I think we all know that’s exactly what we got last week.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODDDDDAAAAAYYYYY!
[Turns on stereo]
WHOA HOOOO IF IT ISN’T WEEPIN’ WILLOW! I have to hand it to you, Sharty Scrotenheimer, it takes some rock solid ovaries to break down and get all melty in front of about sixty grown men. But you did it, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work a little. I mean, I was so disgusted by the sight of an old man lowering himself in a professional setting in front of dozens and dozens of his peers that I couldn’t think of anything else but winning so I wouldn’t have to confront the sheer embarrassment of having to call you my boss.
Norv: Now, Phil, I don’t think insults are what we need right now.
Rivers: You’re right, waddle dick. You are absolutely right. Insults are counter productive to the Chargers pulling their dicks out of the dirt and not continuing to sully the proud name of King Laserface.
BUT YOUR BIG PATHETIC CROCODILE TEARS? THOSE ARE JUST THE FUCKING TICKET TO REDEMPTION! You see, Whorval, you’re a shitty playcaller, an abject motivator and just plain unpleasant to look at. But you got one thing going for you: nothing. You’re so helplessly devoid of qualities to admire that people can’t help but you look upon you with pity. As we saw Sunday, this is a goldmine for our team. You need to be as pitiable as possible. The less the team wants to pay attention to a blubbering droopy little bitch coach on the sidelines, the more they’ll want to win.
It worked once. IT WILL WORK ALWAYS! Just like his religion, Laserface does not question this.
So come this weekend, I want to see this on the sideline for 60 minutes.
“WUUH WUUH WAAAAAHHHHHH M-M-MY JOWLS GO DOWN TO MY NAVEL AND E-EV-EVERYONE THINKS I’M A JOKE! IF THEY FIRED ME TOMORROW I’D HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE GETTING LAUGHED AT BY RICH EISEN AS I DID THE FANTASY REPORT ON NFL NET-NET-NETWORK. OH GOD, JUST KILL ME NOW WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
Ryan Mathews: I don’t know. I think he’s on to something, coach.
Rivers: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROOKIE CUNTBACK! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN LATOEINJURY AND NOW THAT GOOFY GRINNING DOUBLE ABORTION IS RUNNING THE BALL LIKE HE FOUND THE LONG LOST FOUNTAIN OF STEROIDS! I WILL NOT BE UPSTAGED BY THAT VISOR-WEARING ASSHOLE. ALSO, STOP WEARING THE SAME FUCKING STUPID VISOR! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, YOU MISERABLE FUCKING BUST?
Ryan Mathews: Well, I think Mike Tolbert and I have –
Rivers: NO ONE FUCKING ASKED YOU TO TALK! THAT WAS RHETORICAL! DUMB ROOKIE BITCHES NEVER LEARN SHIT! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? BUST! BUSTBUSTBUST! FUCK YOU!
Norv, I want you to get me Randy Moss, slap the bitchface out of Ryan Mathews everytime he opens his gay disappointing mouth and, most importantly, keep the waterworks coming.
LASERFACE WILL CONQUER YET! WE’RE RIDING TEARS TO TRIUMPH!