The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 2: The Mall

03.07.07 11 years ago 76 Comments

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, I am fucking STONED. What? Where are we? What? Oh man, look at the store directory! All the stores on the first concourse are green, man! They’re fucking green! And all the stores on the second concourse are red! That’s fucked up, man. Where are we? Nordstrom’s? What is that? That smells like old people, man. I can smell the old people from here.

Wait, wait. Never mind. That’s grandma. She’s standing right there. Sorry, grandma. I just so fucking stoned right now. The walls are getting all jiggly!

Where’s the food court? Nah, man. I want some Panda Express. They serve you everything in one bigass bowl. I love that. All food should come in a single bowl. It’s like family style. For one. I am my own family. So true, man. So fucking true.

Is that a Chico’s? I don’t fucking get it, bro. There’s a Chico’s in every fucking mall, and no one’s ever in it. Where is Chico getting all the money? I bet he’s dealing. I bet Chico can get some nasty, fucked up shit that makes the horizon all jagged and shit.

It’s so bright in here, man. Where’s the fucking Sunglass Hut? What? It’s a kiosk and not a hut? That’s fucked up.

Man, there are eight million jewelers in here. Who keeps buying girls all these diamonds? How many tennis bracelets do you need?

Wait, wait, wait. Ha ha HA! I am fucking STONED, grandma. This must be the same feeling you get when you sit on your porch and drink Country Time. It is NICE. You know what I do when I’m really, really fucked up? I go to Bath & Body Works and I smell all the candles. They have a S’Mores candle, and I swear to God it smells EXACTLY like S’Mores. One time I took a bite out of one. It did NOT taste like S’Mores. But look how shiny my teeth are!

I think I have to throw up.

You ever just, like, sit in a Pottery Barn? It’s so tranquil. Oh, oh! You know what I like to do! I like to go to Brooks Brothers, and then have them fit me for a suit. They take you in the back, and they put you on this little pedestal, and then they, like measure you and shit. And it’s those old Italian fuckers that do it. Not fake Italians, like that fuck Tony Danza. Real little Italian men. Like they were just flown in. It’s so fucking classy.

I don’t get it. Sometimes, B. Dalton has porn and sometimes it doesn’t. Holy shit, I’m losing my balance. I think this weed had pesticide on it. There’s no way someone paid $15 million to Daniel fucking Graham. Everyone’s fucked up!

Gap, man. What the fuck? Who needs that much khaki? It’s khaki overload, bro. Even Peyton Manning doesn’t need that much. Dude, Brookstone and Sharper Image are the same goddamn store. And why is that Suncoast pictures still around? Is there any fucking point to that store?

Whoa, I am locked in on that strobe light. I am locked in on it and am now orbiting it. It’s totally sucked me in. You guys go on without me. This may be a while. I am totally in its grasp.

Whoa. That was amazing. I am FUCKED UP. Let’s go to Williams Sonoma. I want to buy a tin of peppermint bark for $40. Did you know you can return anything to LL Bean and they’ll just take it back? I returned a box of wine there once, and I didn’t even get it there! Amazing.

Why does Marcus want to go to Urban Outfitters? Pfft. Ain’t nothing urban about that store. Champs Sports, now THAT is fucking urban, man. White people stay away from that place in droves.

(small angelic choir begins singing in Vick’s head)

Holy shit, the FOOD COURT! Nice. I’mma have a Mrs. Fields cookie before I do anything. They got a cookie pizza! Oh my God, I want a slice. Semi-sweet WITH motherfuckin’ nuts. Let’s go to Taco Bell and drink Fire Sauce right from the packet. And get a small drink. Not a large. They give you free fucking refills, man. A small IS a large. They’re the same. I just blew my own mind. I want Sbarro AND Steak Escape. Is that allowed?

God, this food tastes so fucking good. I’m gonna sleep here.

Photo, as always, courtesy of The Onion.

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