The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 7: The Airport!

07.12.07 10 years ago 31 Comments

Back in April, Michael Vick was scheduled to lobby Congress on Capitol Hill to fund after school programs. Unfortunately, due to a late arrival on a flight from Tampa, he missed his 8:35PM connecting flight in Atlanta, and then was a no-show for the 10:50PM flight he was subsequently booked on. Here now is what transpired between those two times to cause Vick to his miss his connection.

8:35PM
Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, SHIT.

I am fucking stoned.

(gets off plane)

I mean, holy shit. I feel like a neon light. Somebody get hold of me, because I can pretty much feel all my blood vessels pulsing right now. I can’t tell if I like it or not.

Man, Getting stoned before getting on that plane was a motherfuckin’ mistake, man. Fucking pilot said that flight would be 45 fucking minutes. That wasn’t no 45 minutes, okay? That was 8 days. That’s a long time to be in the fucking air, man.

I think my contacts are stuck to my eyes. FUCK. Now I gotta get on another flight? Shit. I can’t take this shit. I better smoke up.

8:50PM
(walks into bathroom stall, smokes up)

Hooo!!!!! That feels… NICE. I’m gonna shit, just to complete to the doubleheader.

8:52PM
(plop)

Hooo!!!!! Double NICE!!!!!

9:00PM
Why is the toilet paper in this place only one ply? Fucking Scott Tissue. I may as well wipe my ass with an emery board.

What’s with these automatic faucets, man? There’s no water pressure in this shit. Look at this. Takes 5 hours just to rinse the soap off.

9:02PM
Air dryers? Fu-uck.

9:10PM
Oooh, California Pizza Kitchen!!!!!! MV7 is eating like a fucking kang tonight! Shrimp scampi pizza? That’s fucking crazy. I kinda want the Thai pizza. Or do I want the barbecue chicken pizza?

9:15PM
Thai, or barbecue chicken?

9:20PM
Thai, or barbecue chicken?

9:25PM
Thai, or barbecue chicken?

9:30PM
OOOH!!!! BLT Pizza!!!!

9:35PM
Thai, or barbecue chicken, or BLT?

9:40PM
Fuck it. I’m going to Pizza Hut.

9:50PM
Holy shit, this pizza is SOOOOOO good. Man, how come the only channel they got here is the CNN airport channel? I wanna see some fucking bullriding. Damn. Gotta see some bullriding. Let me go check that depressing airport bar where all the smokers have penned themselves in like caged dogs.

9:52PM
Well, why CAN’T you put on bullriding? You seriously telling me anyone in this city wants to see a Hawks game? The Hawks can scratch my balls, man. Man, fuck you. I’ll watch bullriding on my iPod.

9:55PM
Fucking iPod. You can do everything but recharge yourself.

10:00PM
Man, look at all these departing flights. There’s even one going to Sioux City. I didn’t even know people lived in Sioux City. I thought they called it a city as like a joke and shit. Ooooh, Paris! Damn, I’d like to go to Paris. I heard French whores are completely disaffected and will let you do anything. Seattle? Ain’t nothing but pasty fuckers there. Oh, man! MEXICO!!!!!!! I gotta go live in Mexico, man. They have hammocks. Hammocks are solid.

This wall of monitors is mesmerizing. I feel like a citizen of the world. There are people here from everywhere, man. It’s like a little mini-Earth of its own.

Holy shit, I just blew my own mind.

10:10PM
Guess I better go wait at the gate. What gate am I? E62? Where am I now? A49? Oh, SHIT.

10:15PM
I gotta get one of these moving walkways in my house. These things are incredible. I feel like I’m fast forwarding… THROUGH LIFE!

No wait! We need to install one in the new offense. Know how mobile I’d be cruisin’ past defenders on this bitch? God, we’re gonna go 16-0.

10:25PM
Man, this gate area’s crowded. I’m going to Hudson News.

10:26PM
Shit man, I gotta look at that Playboy’s Nudes. Is anyone around? I gotta wait for the shit to clear. Okay, I’m going in. They won’t notice if I tear the cellophane off.

Mmmmm, tits. Oh, yeah. Tits are my friend.

10:28PM
Man, where is Rolling Stone? All I see is Vanity Fair. Who the fuck reads that shit?

10:29PM
This gate area’s depressing. Where the fuck am I supposed to sit? These fucking old people put their bags all over the shit.

Christ, lady, control your fucking children! Can’t you see how miserable they’re making everyone? I’mma throw them out the jetway.

I wonder if that guy is done with that USA Today sports section.

Shit. He isn’t.

I can’t take this shit much longer.

10:35PM
OOOOH, an arcade!!!!!

10:40PM
Galaga, you are my BITCH.

11:15PM
(walks up to gate agent)

Hello, I’m Michael Vick. I believe I have a reservation for the 8:35 flight. I’m ready to board.

I’m sorry? It’s what time now?

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

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