Bad week for the mailbag. Bad, bad week. I had Aaron Rodgers in both of my leagues, both of which were in the first round of the playoffs this past weekend. And honestly, I had this thing planned out for the introduction to the mailbag, where I was going to analyze the myriad ways in which I should have won both games — starting any other quarterback in the league, adjusting the score to see what I would have had if Greg Jennings hadn’t bobbled a perfectly thrown 60-yard touchdown pass that was instead intercepted… but no. I don’t even want to go to the Yahoo or NFL.com fantasy pages. The wounds are too fresh.
So let’s just get to your emails. Between the holidays and the fantasy playoffs, we received far too many emails to publish. I’d say sorry to those who didn’t make the cut, but I’m fresh out of sympathy this week. Expect half-hearted advice from me, because right now I just want everyone to just get an STD and go away.
CC (and anyone else at KSK who wants to chime in):
Football: I need you guys to settle a question for me. My friend and I made a bet on Michael Vick’s week-13 performance against the Texans. ESPN projected Vick for 29 points, so my friend bet the OVER and I bet the UNDER, for $10 plus $1 for every point over or under (yes, we’re high-rollers). Vick ended up with 28 points, winning me $11. The previous weekend I’d had takeout Thai food with him at his house and he paid (I was not there when he picked it up). I offered to pay my share (~$10-12), but he shooed me away and said don’t sweat it. Today (13 days after the Thai takeout and 6 days after our bet), he wrote me this email, putting me in an awkward spot:
“I need to send you your $11. Or we can consider ourselves even from the dinner when you were here…”
Arrgh. So, should I call us even or collect on my winning bet? I’m fine with either, just annoyed I’ve been put in this spot where I have to make the call. So I’m asking you guys to decide. Your verdict? Also open to KSK commenters’ thoughts…
Man, sometimes I read these emails, and I’m so grateful that I’m not friends with any cheapskates, weasels, or bitches. To my friends: thank you for being such stand-up, rock-solid human beings.
I don’t know the relationship you have with your friend. If he’s enough of a shithead to weasel out of an $11 bet, he’s probably the kind of bitch who will get his feelings hurt by honesty. That said, because I’m honest, I’d probably respond as such: “I tried to pay you for the Thai food when I was at your place. You told me not to worry about it. I didn’t realize you would use that as an excuse to welch out of a bet. So we can either call it even, and I’ll resent you for being an Indian giver, or you can just pay me $11 and I’ll forget you tried to bitch out of an $11 bet. Your call.”
No, no. Don’t write him that, he’ll just end up hating you. How about this: “Ohhh, calling it in after you said we were cool, huh? All right, keep your $11. Cheapskate.” There. That’s better. He gave you passive-aggressive, you passive-aggressive him right back.
Sex: What’s your take on having sex with pets looking on (sometimes with great interest, sometimes disapprovingly)? My wife and I have two dogs and they sleep in their own beds on either side of our bed. They watch us fool around sometimes. Do they know what we’re up to??
-High Roller/Dog Baller
What an odd question. Who cares if the dogs “know” what you’re doing? As long as you and your wife are neither (a) bothered nor (b) turned on by your dogs watching, it’s not a problem.
Dearest Masters of Bate,
First not really sex, but more a philosophical discussion about the fairer gender: why are women so fucking predisposed to jealousy/snooping? Every serious girlfriend I’ve had since getting a cell phone (ten years ago) has gone through it without my knowledge, and some have even hacked into my Facebook account, email, etc. Apparently being an outgoing guy is some kind of red flag for the ladies. It’s not like I have had anything to hide as I’ve never cheated, but it’s annoying as fuck to have to be guilt tripped about the fact that yes, I do have conversations with other women from time to time. After all, they are 50% of the population; it’s not like we can completely avoid them.
First of all, jealousy and snooping isn’t a female trait — it’s a human trait. Men and women alike have stories about significant others who’ve invaded privacy because they’re distrustful, suspicious, or sometimes merely curious assholes. There are, perhaps, more stories of women doing this than men, most likely because women (a) tend to be more cunning than men and (b) generally have more reasons to be distrustful and/or act crazy, whether those reasons come from personal history or societal influences.
That said, there ARE women (and men) out there who can respect the privacy of their significant other’s cell phone and social networks (although I fear that it may be rarer among younger people). The key traits to look for: intelligence and maturity, which make a good breeding ground for respect and trust. The fact that you haven’t found one such woman in the last decade suggests that your taste in women may need to be refined.
Fantasy: Please help solve my flex mess by picking one of: Brian Westbrook (@SD), Zach Miller (Den), Jacob Tamme (Jac), Brandon Jacobs (Phi), or Seattle’s Mike Williams (Atl, if he plays). And additionally, would you consider starting any of those options over Miles Austin (Was), who has sucked a donkey dick lately. Fuck you and your collarbone, Romo, drink a glass of milk or something.
Need to Password Protect
I’d probably give Austin the start, because the Redskins’ pass D sucks Tijuana donkey dick. But Jacobs and Tamme are both great options to have at flex, as well.
Football: Which three wide receivers do I start out of DeSean Jackson (@NYGiants), Welker(Green Bay), Vincent Jackson (San Fran), Brandon Lloyd (@Oakland), and Kenny Britt(Houston)? I’m thinking DeSean, Welker, and Vince but I hate to sit Lloyd. Then for my other team I’ve got DeSean, Megatron (@TB), Lloyd, Britt, Stevie Johnson (@MIA), and Vincent Jackson. Three WRs here too.
Whatever, all of your options are good. Your letter’s only in here because of the picture you sent.
Sex: I have no questions but here is Marisa Miller.
Can’t get enough of those butt cheeks.
FF: Made my way into the semi-finals, but now I’m going up against the obvious favorite to win our 10-man money league. Throughout the season, this guy’s had more triple digit finishes than a rigged slot machine. So between Ahmad Bradshaw vs. PHI, Chris Ivory @ BAL, Knowshon Moreno @ OAK, Tashard Choice vs. WAS, and Danny Fuckin’ Woodhead vs. GB, I need 2 surefire picks and an endless supply of bourbon, please.
Bradshaw and Choice. They’re getting the touches and running really well.
Bonus WR question (if you’re feeling generous): Jacoby Ford vs. DEN or Mike Wallace vs. NYJ?
Ordinarily I’d say Wallace, but he’ll probably spend most of the day on Revis Island. Start Ford.
Not FF: Back in October, I wrote into the mailbag as the 28-year-old guy who “unwittingly” met an 18-year-old online and was considering moving to her city after just 6 weeks of video chatting. Well, thanks to your advice, I realized that permanent relocation would’ve been completely insane and decided, instead, to spend the next available weekend in a faraway hotel room slappin dat puzzy till da milk came out. Greatest 3 days of my life. So great, in fact, that I quickly disowned your advice and moved to her city anyway. Thx tho.
Good call. That can only end well.
Of course, there’s always the chance that this whole situation blows up in my face.
You don’t say.
But, for now, things between us could not be better. We laugh and smile incessantly, like some kind of happy couple. It’s disgusting. My one and only cause for concern is that ALL of her youngish friends are thunderingly intolerable mongoloids, and I need some ideas on how best to inform my wonderful girlfriend that these people make me wanna light myself on fire.
Happy Holidays and thanks again for the advice,
Let’s recap. You said you wanted to move to a different city to be with a teenager ten years your junior. Everyone told you not to do it, but you did it anyway. Now you’re realizing that her teenage friends are all idiots (which is to say: teenagers), and you want more advice?
Fantasy first. With Ivory being hurt/questionable, who do I turn to for my flex spot? Reggie Bush @ BAL, Nate Washington vs. HOU, Mike Thomas @ IND, or Davone Bess vs BUF? Bush is easing his way back into things but plays a tough D, Washington isn’t really doing much along with everyone else in Tennessee plus Britt is back and they still have dbag Moss, Thomas had 3 targets and negative points last week, and Bess hasn’t done much recently.
Who do you turn to? With those options, I recommend Jesus. Ugh… Bess? Or maybe Bush, if you feel like the power of prayer will help him catch some swing passes without getting injured.
Now sex. Am I crazy for hinging a decent amount of my decision to marry my girlfriend on the fact that I think her mom was/is a pretty terrible mom? She’s a good person and loves her daughter, but holy God she’s the most passive aggressive person alive, is very needy, is waaaay overprotective to the point of being controlling even though her daughter is 27 (her mom calls her about 3 times a day, including to say goodnight),
That sound? Oh nothing, just me starting the car so I can drive as far away from that relationship as possible.
and worst of all (in my mind) her parents have a lot of money so they thought the only way to show their love was through massive amounts of presents/possessions. I understand that most people have issues with their mothers in law and it’s not as though I’m basing my opinion on her being around, I more get scared that her daughter, when confronted with deciding how to raise our kids, will default to what she knows. I’ve talked to her a lot about it and she seems to understand but I still see some of those tendencies from her on occasion. I plan on bring a very involved father, but I know my work will take me away from the family on occasion and I don’t want to have to fight with her when it comes to the major issues that arise when raising kids. Am I justified in being worried about this stuff or will the majority of it change when it’s the two of us?
No matter what anyone tells you about falling in love and finding a life partner and getting married to your soul mate, don’t be fooled: when you marry someone, you marry THAT ENTIRE FAMILY. Even good in-laws, helpful though they may be with baby-sitting, will still siphon away your time and make the other spouse’s parents jealous of the time you spend with them. That’s why the ideal mate is an orphan.
Anyway, if you want to take the next step with your girlfriend, you need to have a serious talk with her about your future with her and about her relationship with her mother. Generally speaking — and I’m going to slip into stereotype mode here, forgive me — women either become exactly like their mothers, or they’re determined to be nothing like them. (The same can be said about their choice of partner: either a carbon copy of their father, or someone deliberately nothing like him.) The fact that your girlfriend feels compelled to pick up the phone those three times a day that her mother calls is, in my opinion, NOT a good sign. She needs to learn how to press the “ignore” button.
However, if your girlfriend shares your vision for family and the future, then go ahead and move forward. Just make sure that you establish clearly defined boundaries with the in-laws. Otherwise, ten years from now you’ll be putting up with shit like them showing up two days early for their Christmas visit without giving you so much as a courtesy call.
The Football Fantasies: I don’t really have a FF question, just a comment. I have been in a league since 1998, but I’ve lost interest over the years. I am a huge NFL fan and I have always prefered to root for my favorite team, along with teams and players that I like. Unlike most FF players, I think that fantasy gets in the way of my enjoyment on Sundays, it doesn’t enhance it. Just a comment – no question.
You’re weird. Got it.
Sages of the Sexy: My wife and I met when we were 20 (different colleges, same city) and we married when we were 26. I’m now 38, happily married with 3 great kids. When I was in my early 20s, I was a tall, lanky, goofy guy with low self-confidence. As I got into my 30s, I filled out a bit, achieved some success at work and gained a little swagger. Now, apparently, I’m a little more appealing to the ladies.
Here’s the problem: several women have expressed interest in me during the last 5-6 years. At first, I had a hard time saying no to them and I ended up having a couple of dalliances with these women. I didn’t feel great about it but I justified it in my mind by telling myself that I was simply making up for something that I missed when I was younger. I vowed to do better in the future.
In the last 2 years, I have really tried to say no to these situations and achieved some level of success. But in a couple of cases, the woman was just too hot for me and my feeble willpower to say no. I have carried on seeing two of these women on an infrequent basis without taking any meaningful time away from my wife and family. It’s not a good situation but I just can’t help myself.
Now Captain, I have read your column for over a year now and I know what you’re going to say: I’m a morally corrupt person; I shouldn’t be married; I’m a classic example of the guy who got married too young. There’s some truth to all of that. But you’ve never been married, so you can’t know what it’s like. If every guy who wanted to have sex with other women just stayed single, no one would ever get married and our species would cease to exist.
I need some solid advice here. Is it always 100% wrong to engage in occasional extra-marital activities? Does it always have to mean that you don’t love your wife and family (because I really do!)? I’ve heard that they find a way to pull this off in Europe but not here. How am I supposed to say no to these opportunities?
I have to admit: this letter kept me awake for a while last night. To a certain extent, you make a believable justification for your chronic infidelity. Your argument falls in line with any number of people who now see marriage as an outdated remnant of medieval religion, further supported by evolutionary science that says men are biologically compelled to spread their seed. I don’t doubt that you do, indeed, love your wife and children. And you’re right: I’ve never been married — though not for lack of trying (thanks for dredging up those memories of heartbreak, by the way). I mean, my parents are still happily married after 36 years, but I don’t have proof that my father was 100% faithful to my mother all those years. I take it on faith, but I can’t prove it. So could I fault him for a dalliance here or there? He and my mom seem happy, and I’m glad they’re still together. The theoretical ends justify the means, right?
But you know what? I’ve never been an NFL head coach, but I’ve seen enough of them to know that Brad Childress sucked at it. Josh McDaniels sucked at it. Dennis Green sucked at it. Just like you suck at your wedding vows. So you can stuff that “I can’t know what it’s like” bullshit right up your cheating dickhole. I shouldn’t have to feel sympathy for you just because I’ve had enough sense to stay single while you cashed your chips in early.
Listen, I get it. Marriage is hard; women are sexy; pussy is great. But getting married means reaching the apex of manhood: you become a husband, a father. Those titles mean things — at least to me they do. It means that your family, not your dick, dictates your actions in life. It means that you set an example for your children, that you put your wife’s needs in front of your own. If you love your wife and children so much, why are you willfully putting those relationships at risk? Every time you sleep with another woman, you’re basically saying, “This piece of pussy is worth putting my three children through a traumatic divorce, after which I’ll never see them more than two days a week.” You and I have different definitions for the word love, sir.
Anyway, I get the feeling that you’re looking for some kind of validation for your affairs. You’ll have to look elsewhere.