Wade: Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus. Holy guacamole. I hope no one’s using the bathroom stall.
(runs into bathroom, stall is occupied)
Oh, man. This is bad. Goodness gracious, that Chipotle burrito tore right through me. If this feller dudn’t hurry up, I’m done gonna soil my britches. Maybe if I stand in front of the stall like so, he’ll know someone’s waiting to use it. Please. Please please please, hurry up. I can feel that ol’ rattlesnake pushin’ his way out.
Wait a second. I know those boots. Are those rhinestone alligator skin boots?
(stall door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE KAY YAY, COCKSUCKER!!! ANOTHER LONE STAR TORPEDO FOR THE DOUBLE-J!!!!!!
Wade: Aw, shiiit.
Jerry: Boy I tell ya, that there was the single finest dump I’ve taken in this facility. First class. Top o’ the line. Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!
Wade: Mr. Jones, you’re blocking the entranceâ€¦
Jerry: Yes sirree, absolutely pristine log I laid. It was two-beacher, with NO paperwork!
Wade: Mr. Jones, please.
My turd is big
As an oil rig
(clap clap clap)
Wade: Mr. Jones, if you don’t mind, I have to use that latrine myself.
Jerry: Oh, I don’t think so. That bank any takin’ any more deposits for the day, if you know what I mean.
Wade: Oh, Lord.
Jerry: Besides, that ain’t no handicapped stall. And I seriously doubt your fat ass can sit down without a whole lotta help from a railin’. Am I right?!
Wade: Well, if you’ll excuse me, then. I have to run.
Jerry: Shit on your own time, you big fat tube of Jimmy Dean. It’s time to talk about my boy ROMO! Did you see what he did out there?!
Wade: Well, yes, I was on the sidelâ€¦
Jerry: Tore that Bears defense a new asshole! I tell ya, my boy ROMO could be elected governor of Texas, he’s such a goddamn star! And this team is 3-0! THREE GODDAMN WINS AND NO GODDAMN LOSSES! Who’da thought we’d go 3 and goddamn 0 with your fat ass at in the driver’s seat? I’m amazed you even have room to work the steering wheel, King Hippo!
Wade: Sir, I really do have toâ€¦
Jerry: Listen, Tubby. I saw a power ranking that had us at Number 3 this week. Well, I want YOU to get my boy ROMO up at the top of that there list! NUMERO FUCKIN’ UNO! You hear me?
Wade: That’s fine sir, if I could just use the lavatory for momentâ€¦
Jerry: I don’t pay you to squeeze one out on the company’s dime, Pumpkin. Besides, IT’S TIME TO SLAP YOUR TITTIES!!!
Wade: Sir, noâ€¦
Jerry: No arguin’! It’s titty slappin’ time, and I’m feeling frisky!
Wade: Sir, I beg of youâ€¦
Jerry: I need to slap me some tits! Who’s got slappy titties?! Who’s got slappy titties? Is it you?!
Wade: I do not have slappy titties.
Jerry: (slaps his tits) IT’S YOU! YOU GOT SLAPPY TITTIES, BOY!!!! WAHOO! YIPPEE! RAMALAMADINGDONG!!!
Wade: Sir, if you don’t let me leave, I’m afraid I’m going to make a bit of a mess.
Jerry: Well all right. Get on in there and shit, boy.
(goes into stall, five minutes pass)
Jerry: You sure are takin’ your time in there, Titty Magee!
Wade: Sir, it’s hard to go with you standing there.
Jerry: Hard?! You tellin’ me you can’t handle the pressure, Mr. Kathy Bates?! Well then, consider this an important exercise! SHIT THAT LOG OUT!
Wade: Dear Lord, I’m never gonna be able to do this.
Jerry: YOU DRIVE THAT TURTLE OUT TODAY, PROFESSOR KLUMP!!! MY BOY ROMO AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR POOP! GREASE THAT ASSHOLE! LET’S GO! LET’S GO!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!