Ever since ESPN assumed the responsibility of destroying the once-hallowed institution of Monday Night Football back in 2006, the league has granted the network a doubleheader the opening week of the regular season. Because the Worldwide Leader can’t conceivably use their shout-y, frothy A-team announcers for both games, the West Coast nightcap has usually gotten the broadcasting team of Brad Nessler plus someone horrible. The last two years that’s been Trent Dilfer, unfortunately.
Problem is, last year Nessler signed on to join NFL Network, leaving a opening for the Week 1 finale and, more importantly, giving ESPN a prime opportunity to do what it does best: troll the populace. Credit where credit’s due; ESPN made the most of this trolling opportunity by assigning legendary f*ckface Chris Berman to play-by-play duty. Yes, the Chargers-Raiders Week 1 contest will be the first NFL game in Berman’s illustrious career of stupid catchphrasing and loud noises that Mr. Deux Deux Deux will work the booth.
Naturally, we can expect large quantities of CARSON “DON’T CALL ME ROBERT” PALMER DROPS BACK AND ZZZZZIIIPPPP PICKED OFF BY ERIC “WEDDLE WE GO NOW” AND WHOOOOOOOP AND WHOOOOOOPP AND HE. MAY. GO. ALL. THE. WAY. THEYRENOTGONNAGETHIM until our brains extrude through our ears. And with Dilfer’s self-serious act as the chaser, the mute button shall be our only recourse.