On Dating Amputees and Co-workers: Your Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag

07.30.09 8 years ago 93 Comments

We’re trying something new with the mailbag this week.  Because a lot of you have similar sex questions from week to week and month to month, and because some of you insist on asking questions about drafting fantasy defenses, and because others feel like giving us three paragraphs of back story about your relationships, some of this week’s submissions have only a fantasy question OR a sex question.  Y’all got ch’asses EDITED.

But even half a question published is better than no question at all — if your query was ignored, we apologize: we received way more submissions than we could get to this week.  But enough babble: let’s get freaky.

Picassos of Pussy,
Sex: What is your policy on dipping the pen in company ink? My new office seems to be like an entry level farm team–everyone here’s in their twenties, most people early-to-mid.

…and it’s all guys!

So, being a 23 year old male relatively new to the city, I’m quite tempted by the plethora of nubile young ladies around me from 9-5. Considering I’ve gotten laid once in the previous ten months, I’d very much like to examine their human resources. Am I being reasonable here, or is this going to lead down a path of misery and woe?

I strongly — STRONGLY — recommend staying away from co-workers. For every success story I hear about two co-workers who start dating and end up getting married, I can name ten examples of dating or attempted dating that goes awry.  And “awry” ranges from “painfully awkward to see that person” to allegations of sexual harassment.  You’re playing with fire.  Near an oxygen tent.

My recommendation: be friends with those nubile hotties.  Hot girls know other hot girls.  Make a nice impression with them, and they’ll be receptive to you saying, “Hey, you should get some of your friends out here” when everyone’s at happy hour.  Then when you or one of said girls leaves the job, you can ask them out.  “Can I get your number?  I’d hate to not see you any more.”

Football: As I said, my company is a place where people come right of college to get some experience. I was recently hired with about 25 other people to work on a new account that the company just got. One of the fellow new hires has started a fantasy league for us, which is a great thing on the surface, but this jack off wants to make it a 20 member league. This strikes me as an absolutely horrendous idea, as I wouldn’t like our games to be decided by the Gary Russell equivalent every week. how do i let him know this is a terrible idea without alienating a new coworker?
– Unenslaved in Nashville

Pull him aside and say, “Hey man, the other guys are making fun of you and calling you a dipshit because you don’t know that twenty teams is AT LEAST six teams too many.”  Make it look like you’re looking out for him.  And if you can’t whittle down the number of people in the league, make two ten-team leagues. 

Dear Gatekeepers of the Butt,
Football: With titfister Favre deciding to stay retired, does that make Purple Jesus’ fantasy value go up or down? On one hand teams are probably likelier to go eight in the box (heh heh, eight in the box) without a legit QB back there, but on the other hand, if Favre’s not the QB Childress will probably play it safe again and call a lot more runs, right?
– Michael the Fellow Professional NFL Blogger (they pay me and everything)

Well la dee dah, Professional NFL capital-B Blogger.  Did you learn the secret handshake from Florio yet?  (The first part is unzipping your fly and jerking off to your own writing.)

Anyway, on Purple Jesus (and running backs in general): A good quarterback is good for a running back’s fantasy value.  Just as a good running game sets up the play-action pass, a good passing game keeps the defense from putting eight in the box.  A good, balanced offense will end up in the red zone more often, meaning more touches for your RB near the goal line.  Said offense is also on a team more likely to have a lead at the end of the game, thus giving your RB more opportunities to run the ball.  (Note: this rule does not apply if your running back is Tim Hightower.)

I’m not a fantasy virgin, but my last league was pretty basic Yahoo stuff and fizzled out a few years ago. I’ve gotten together a group for a new league but I’ve never run one and am way out of touch these days. Could you give me some suggestions on the best sites to use, which set-ups are the most fun and how to be a good commish?

1. Send the same information to everyone–mass emails are your friend.
2. No favoritism. Be a shithead to everyone. That’s the only way to do it.
3. Have everyone pay the same way (either in person or via PayPal) so all the money’s in one place.
4. Don’t change ANY rules after the draft.
5. Use fleaflicker.com; three words: free live scoring.
6. Adjust your rosters so that about 150 total players are drafted. This keeps your waiver pool stocked, but not overflowing.
7. Pay out on time.

What Punter said.  Although I happen to like Yahoo’s site a little better — the usability is a little bit more intuitive to me.

As for sex: since my husband and I have been together he’s been getting it a few times per week and has always sulked about this not being enough. Now that we’re trying to get pregnant and he’s getting a daily morning romp I thought he’d finally be satisfied. Instead the more often we do it the more often he wants it, and it’s driving me up a fucking wall. If I want something that paws at my boobs every five minutes I’ll shove it out of my vagina, thanks. Is this some sort of late-onset nymphomania? Down payment on all the sex we’re about to never have again? Is male sexual arousal just exponential and I never knew it before? Can you possibly shed any light on this?

Sex is good.  Men like sex.  More sex is better than less sex.  Some men like to have sex more than once a day.  Your husband is some men.

Other men can’t stand their wives or aren’t attracted to them.  So lighten the fuck up, prissy missy.  “Wah wah wah, my life partner is attracted to me!”  Make him go down on you before he gets it a second time in a day or something that pleases you.



Football: So the only fantasy league I can play in and still know people is full of idiots, and the rule is that in the last round you have to pick someone hilarious. ex. “Haha! Matt Jones. ROFL!” Ugh. My question, are there any players who these guys will think is a funny pick but might be able to contribute something? I’m stuck.

Michael Vick.  Ricky Williams.

Sex: I’ve been with my gf for about 4 years and the sex has always been great, but she’s never been great with wanting to give me blow jobs. And whenever I ask for one she gets all horny and wants to fuck instead.

Sounds awful.

Not that this is the worst thing in the world, but it’s kind of a letdown to be thinking about getting a sweet beej all day during a shitty at the office, and then having to do all the work in the sack. It’s not that she hates giving head, but when we do hook up, she wants some too, so is there a way to get my BJs without pissing her off too much?
– Lazy in Lexington

Let me play Socratits here for a second: how often do you go down on her until she comes, followed by you two not having sex?  Quid pro quo, Mr. LiL.

Football: I’m in a 10-team one-keeper league. You lose the round pick this season where you picked your keeper the year before. Who should I keep: 5th Round Calvin Johnson, 8th Round Philip Rivers, 9th Round Roddy White?

Rivers is the best value.  But I doubt you’ll be upset with Megatron’s numbers if you choose to keep him.

Sex: I work for a pretty hot boss. We are really close and she recently became single. how do i approach the subject of me punching her clock with my time card (gnomesayin)?


background: both of us late 20s, we work in a restaurant, and i haven’t been laid in ages.

Oh, you work in a restaurant?  Then fuck away.  That’s the whole point of working in a restaurant, anyway, isn’t it?  To nail the rest of the staff?  Do what waiters and bartenders and managers have done for centuries: get drunk after closing.

Dear Cocksuckers,
Im in college and my girl and I have been together five years. On a recent night out on the town, we ran into a classmate of mine from college and his fiancee, and after a few drinks they invited us back to their house for a glass of wine. We left our car and took a cab together to his place, but we had no idea that glass of wine to them meant that they wanted to swing, and not from a playground. I told the guy that wasn’t going to fly and tried to leave, but he insisted and tried to force himself on my lady. After she and I fought him off, we left, and he chased us down the street in his car. Since then he’s called and text messaged me at least five times a day constantly saying it was a mistake, he was sorry, he was drunk and doing a ton of booger sugar. I offered him a chance to make it up by reimbursing me for the hotel room I had to get, and he then proceeded to give me one of the classic all time lines ever: “well, its your fault anyways for not making sure your lady was down.” My questions is, I have three classes with this guy next semester, how do I fight the urge to crush his face like Wade P crushes cheeseburgers?

WOW.  I have no sound advice here.  From the lack of clarity in his desires to the attempted sexual assault to the public harassment to blaming drugs on his behavior to Indian-apologizing… that’s a dude who needs his ass kicked inside out.

Football, my friends and I have been in a league for years, and it started out as a fun, low buy in, get together and get drunk type thing. The last two seasons its grown from a $20 buy in to a $60 buy in and $15 per loss, which meant that I had to actually care more than usual.

$15 per loss?  What a bunch of assholes.

I won last season but told them I was done because it wasn’t that fun anymore with so much money on the line. Now they are giving me a bunch of crap for taking their money and leaving. Is there a good way to talk them back to the virtues of having fun with it or should I just plan on playing in a different league this year?

Oh ho ho!  The assholes have an asshole friend!  Do you also win big poker hands and immediately walk away from the table?

Nope, you have to play this year and not bitch about the cost.  Act like a champion, big fella.  However, you should tell the rest of the league up front that you won’t play next year because the price is prohibitive.  THEN you can win the league and walk away.

Dear Ass Clowns of American Football,
Sex: I’m married. I have a hot wife. Self and said wife thought it would be grand to have child. Child born. Child now 1+ years old. Sex has been ok…mundane mostly, with greatness sprinkled in on occasion.  This is not the girl I dated in college who was a fan of road head, cheap hotel sex (now it is expensive hotel sex) and had a willingness to bang as long as we enjoyed some modicum of privacy. This is not even the girl that I married four years ago. Question…Is this what sex will be like when you are married with children?

Guess what, now that she’s YOUR WIFE and not just some slut you’re banging, you actually have to pay for hotels without roaches.  Also, women who are dealing with a toddler all day often don’t feel like hopping in the car to give their husband some road head.

Marriage is work, Holmes.  To a certain extent, shit’s gonna be on hold for the next 17 years until your fuck trophy goes off into the real world, but that doesn’t mean that you and wifey can’t COMMUNICATE to work for a better sex life.  Do what other married people do: set aside the occasional date night.  You pamper her and show her love and respect, then she repays you with freaky-ass Netherlands sex.  Win-win.

Part Two…Is it bad to blame this on the child, and quasi-resent my daughter because she is basically the world’s cutest cock-block?

Definitely resent her.  Those girls grow up to be the best strippers.

Football: 12 team keeper league, where we keep up to 3 holdovers from the previous season or forfeit 1st round pick for additional keeper. I am trying to decide between Chris Johnson, Marion Barber III, Marshawn Lynch, Tony Gonzalez, Dwayne Bowe and DeSean Jackson. If I go w/ all three RB’s I am set at that position, and can focus picks on other positions. Or do I go for more balance, especially since all of those backs will be sharing carries anyways?
Stressed in Scottsdale…

I’d go with Johnson, MBIII, and Gonzalez.  There’s gonna be some folks out there who disagree with me on making a TE your keeper, but Gonzalez is one of two or three tight ends in the league who produces like a solid WR every week (Witten and Gates are the others I’d put up there).  The drop-off after that top tier is staggering, and having him gives you an automatic positional advantage every week.  Plus there’s no better security blanket for a young QB than an outstanding tight end — I like his chances in Atlanta.  And he’s such a health freak that I’m not going to worry about his age until I see some numbers that show he’s dropping off.

So I just transferred to a new school and I’m at one of those orientation deals where they gather up all the new students to introduce them to one another. I start hitting it off with this chick – she’s funny, moderately attractive, intelligent, seems like an ideal prospective dating candidate. But it doesn’t take me long to notice, out of the corner of my eye, the potential pitfall of the relationship. Namely, the fact that one of her arms is not moving very much. On closer inspection, it appears to be made of a very accurately colored flesh-toned plastic. I write to you with this question: What is the official KSK policy on relationships with amputees?

Hey, if you like her and are attracted to her, that’s all that really matters.  But be careful.  If I learned anything by reading Dave Eggers’s How We Are Hungry, it’s that one-armed girls will break your heart by screwing two guys at once.   (I’m guessing three people got that one.)

And which mid-level quarterback has a better chance of posting top-10 QB numbers with his new team, Matt Cassel or Kyle Orton?

flubby: The amputee chick.

Ape, Drew, Punter, and the other guys – I hope you’re well.

1. When it comes to FF I avoid drafting anything Bears related. This year is different. Forget Forte, he’ll be gone before I can get him. What do you guys think about Olsen? The Sulkster is going to have to do something with the ball after he realizes that the stumble-fucks “running routes” can’t catch and Lovie runs Forte into the ground. Break-out year?

Eh, it’s possible.  His numbers went up from his rookie year last year, but he still wasn’t a desirable fantasy starter.  Cutler will probably make him better, so he’s worth a chance after the good tight ends are gone.

2. I’ve been seeing my lady-friend for about a year. She’s good looking, sharp as a tack, is a legit football fan, makes a ton of money, and, most importantly, she’s yet to realize how lazy/stupid I am.

She’s been through some fucked up relationships and been through one of those non-consensual sexual encounters that’ll traumatize anyone.

/puts away rape jokes

She’s become more open about her sexual hang-ups and I try to be understanding and supportive, I avoid things in the sack that are aggressive, I keep my kinks under wraps, etc. But, well, things are boring. I’m not looking for anything crazy. I’ve suggested that we spice things up, but these requests are met with – in the worst case, crying – in the best case, begrudging agreement. I love this girl, but the sex just ain’t getting it done. I’m getting to the point where I’m thinking about proposing to this girl, but I can’t imagine a life of G-rated ugly bumping and halfhearted HJs.

“I’m thinking about spending my life with someone, even though I can’t imagine a life of having sex with her.”

Do I suck it up, talk to her about it, endure the emotional shit-storm, and nudge her along? At what point do I just accept her for the awesome girl that she is outside the bedroom and make it official? Is this a deal breaker? No need to point out that I’m an asshole. I know.

You’re not an asshole for wanting to be sexually satisfied.  But dude, she was raped.  Girl needs therapy.  Seek professional help.

Fantasy Football: My league is coming up with the way we’ll divide the winnings this year, and aside from the traditional ones (Superbowl Champ, Regular Season champ, etc.) we just added the “First Among Losers” award, which gives a small sum to the guy who got the highest point total but didn’t make it to the playoffs based on wins-losses.

I like the idea of having funny or otherwise interesting awards, the kind that aren’t just based on wins/points, but can’t think of anything besides the FAL one. Are you guys aware of any other offbeat awards? Ideally, awards that won’t incentivize shitty behavior (i.e., not starting players) but will provide something for the bottom half to play for after the rankings have mostly settled in.


I’ve given this some serious thought since I first read this; I really wanted to come up with some cool, original ideas here.  But after mulling it over for a while, I’ve come to a different conclusion: fuck that.  Reward the winners.

Dear KSK and Kommenters,
Football: I’m going to be studying abroad in Ireland after New Years…which means I’m probably going to miss most of the playoff games. Do you know if there are any sites online where I can stream the games live (yes, I’m willing to stay up until 3am to watch my team’s night games), or at the very least, watch a recorded version the next day as I keep myself as far away from ESPN.com as possible.

Bullshit.  As long as you’re not in McHickville, there will be a bar with a satellite feed.

Sex: This isn’t so much about sex as it is a way to approach things. There is this cute chick (she is out of my league, but isn’t so far out where I wouldn’t stand a chance) that works at the convenience store down the street from me.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!  “That convenience store clerk is totally out my league!”

I’ve gone in a few times to get a random item that I needed and she so happened to be there. I introduced myself the second time (after me asking if they were hiring so I could get a second job, which was a legitimate question), but she did not reciprocate (and no name tag, damnit), which was not the way I wanted it to happen.

My main question is: How do I go about starting a conversation/asking out this girl when I don’t even know her name. My past two girlfriends were close friends before we started dating and both ended up making the first move. Couple this with the fact that I go to a University with a 70/30 guy/girl ratio and it shows that I have never really had the opportunity nor the need to actually develop this skill.

You have the opportunity and you certainly have the need; you just prefer to make excuses because talking to girls is scary.

I’m at a loss of what to do here since it would be weird for me to just go up and ask her out without knowing her name, although the idiotic idea of doing that has certainly crossed my mind; and it also would be weird to keep going in there every day that she works in an effort to start up a conversation that would lead to her giving me her name.

Jesus, man.  You’re not trying to trick her into giving away the nuclear launch codes; you’re just asking her name.  You walk in, you get your Yoo-Hoo and beef jerky, you give it to her, and you say, “Hey, I see you a lot.  What’s your name?”  And then she tells you.  And then you say your name.  Never in the history of humankind has anyone ever said “I don’t feel comfortable telling you my name.”  Hell, you could run a North Vietnamese prison and she could be an American fighter pilot you shot down, and she’d be required by the Code of the U.S. Fighting Force to tell you her name.  People are pretty open about that kind of information.

If you manage to get that far without shitting your pants, you can try saying something friendly, like, “Well, nice seeing you again.”  Or something mildly funny, like “I know I’m in here a lot, but I’m not stalking you, I swear.”  (Then ask her if they have duct tape and ether.)  Or you can say, “All right, well I’ll probably be back soon for more Magnum condoms.  Because my johnson is HUGE!”

I’ve had the “often is the case that attractive girls/women seldom date because guys don’t ask them out because they feel like they have no chance” touted to me about a dozen times already and I find that hard to believe.

It’s hard to believe because it’s complete bullshit.

Any advice, even if it is telling me to give up and forget about it, would be much appreciated.

Dude.  You’re killin’ me here.  Fuckin’ A, man!  She works in a CONVENIENCE STORE!  She literally HAS to acknowledge your presence!  That’s the single hardest thing to get a girl to do.  You’re almost there.  All you have to do is master Basic Conversation for Kindergartners and you’ll totally have her name.  Report back when you get it and I can walk you through asking for a telephone number.  We can do this together, buddy.  Fortune favors the brave.  And always remember: WWKSKD?

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