It’s the first NFL game being simulcast by two major networks since Super Bowl I, and the first ever in which reserves will play a prominent role. No matter which station you tune into, you’re getting the same feed of the NFL Network’s dolorous Bryant Gumble dronefest. The winner of the ratings showdown is more in doubt and probably just as consequential as the winner of this game. WHO YA GOT?
National Broadcasting Company________Columbia Broadcasting System
Television suits whose names are bandied about but you don’t need to know
Dick Ebersol__________Leslie Moonves
Game causing viewers to miss
Midseason bullshit game show brought on because of the writer’s strike___Quickly cobbled together made-for-TV movie on San Francisco zoo tiger mauling
Advanced cameras can capture all of J-Load in one shot___Keith Olbermann’s smug blocks out competing signals
Suck off Tom Brady?
Yes_______________Oh God, yes
Suck off Eli Manning?
Maybe Costas__________Cowher’s new teeth might hurt
Will mark Patriots perfect regular season with
Shocking restraint________Giving Bill Simmons the shocker while he’s in restraints
When Giants backups come in
Tiki Barber forced to play_____Spanish announce team secretly takes over
That sound you’ll be hearing
Rupert Murdoch seething________Rich Eisen beating off to local affiliate anchor
Stay tuned for an SNL rerun_____90% of CBS viewers asleep by halftime