If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Okay, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
AFC 5th Seed — Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)
“Heinz Field is terrible. That’s a lawsuit pending” — Fred Taylor 1/1/08
Plaintiff’s attorney: On numerous occasions the conditions at Heinz Field have been found to be substandard, on others disastrously uninhabitable. My client asserts that the grounds have left him subject to permanent injury. What have you to stay to that?
Heinz Field: glug glug glug glug glug
Defense attorney: Objection! Point of fact: Did not Fred Taylor rush for 147 yards and a touchdown at Heinz Field not more than a month ago? And has Fred Taylor not been injured by the following things throughout his career: Popsicle stick houses, the blown seeds off a dandelion, dust mites, tall grass, fallen Jenga blocks, taking off his socks and tripping on the end of an escalator?
Plaintiff’s attorney: My client’s history of impairment is immaterial to the downright neglectful and irresponsible tending of Pittsburgh’s playing surface. What matters is that on any carry this weekend he could sustain a career-ending injury for no other reason than the field is a sloppy midden heap.
Defense attorney: I wish to call to the stand Hines Ward, a player who has competed on the surface without incident since the stadium opened in 2001.
Defense attorney: Hines, would you describe the turf at Heinz Field as substandard?
Hines Ward: Rrrraaaahhhhh. That so sally! Almost ridicurous! Seen many worst condition than that. Back home, each leceiver get sampan when go out on route.
Hines Ward: See? He wide open for super fantastic catch! I think Fled Tayrol is just lazy pampered Amerrrcan. He no know meaning of hard work.
I can smirrre now?
Plaintiff’s attorney: Very well. I have someone of my own who I would like to call to the stand: Troy Polamalu, who has played his entire career with Heinz Field as a home stadium, has been dogged by knee injuries this season, most likely caused by the shoddy playing surface at Heinz. Troy…
Polamalu: (speaking softly, inaudibly)
Plaintiff’s attorney: You’re gonna need to speak up, Troy.
Polamalu: Help, sinky sand!