When we last left basic amazing columnist Peter King, he analyzed Bill Belichick’s decision to go for it on 4th and 2, which totally reminded me of this ONE TIME THE FACKIN’ RED SAWX AWLSO DID SOMETHING VERY SIMILAHHHHH AND I ANALYZED IT AS WELL!
So it’s time to break down King Gordo’s most recent batch of Illy-infused drivel, but FIRST. Another email from Daniel Steele! Yes, that’s right. Remember Daniel? He demanded we make Tom Brady Meast of the Week that one time, and used all sorts of fancy (and wrong) records to back up his choice. Well, Daniel’s back for more punishment. He has a new Meast of the week in mind, and you’ll never guess who. All spelling errors from this email (and there are many) are sic:
sont want 2 start another hole thing about this but wEs Welker had a AWESOMW GAME today aginst the GAY-E-T-S.
GAY-E-T-S? I see what you did there, Daniel.
I’m not gonna get into another huge thing cuz I think its a waste of time for us to both go round in circles wasting breath but just look at his stats:
15 Receptions, 192 YArds. Hea even has 1 rush for 11 YARDS!!!!
Whoa, one rush for 11 yards? THAT FUCKING KRAYZEE!
Welker SHOULD Win the award this week.
Nope. Sorry, Dan. Your precious Welkahhhhhhh isn’t winning SHIT. Congrats, he ran a fucking end around. Neat.
Talking with commissioner Roger Goodell, while he was getting his makeup wiped off in our NBC Football Night in America studio Sunday night after his Eagles-Bears halftime appearance …
“You know how great you have it in the NFL this year?” I asked.
Come back next week, when Peter asks commissioner Goodell several more hard-hitting questions, like:
-“Did you realize you have fantastic eyes? Really striking.”
-“Who are you wearing?”
-“Do you smoke a pipe? I think you’d be the kind of person who looks good smoking a pipe.”
Bobby Layne would be proud.
Those are the exact words I said to Stafford as Detroit medics finished putting a harness on his left shoulder and a sling on his arm in the postgame locker room.
Stafford to King: “Who? Oh, that old drunk guy?”
Layne’s the blood-and-guts Lions quarterback who preceded Stafford by 50 years
Unlike most QB’s, who are made out of a rubber core and several layers of twine.
Before Stafford and I started talking, I could hear the labored breathing and slight grunts — I assume from Stafford
TURNED OUT IT WAS ME!
Seems that Browns nickel back Hank Poteat tackled wideout Calvin Johnson in the end zone, thinking physical play was OK because Stafford had left the pocket.
Holy shit, Hank Poteat’s the biggest idiot in football if he believed that. Hey look, the QB’s out of the pocket! I CAN TOTALLY INTERFERE NOW!
“That story’s almost two years old,” Goodell said when I asked him about it at NBC on Sunday. “When I went to Afghanistan, I went with Admiral Mullen [Michael Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff]. We stopped in Ireland and got a beer in Shannon, and he said one of the issues they were having was MBTI, the Mild Brain Trauma Injury. When a soldier has a brain injury, when is it safe to put him back on the battlefield? I said, ‘We have a lot of experience with this, admiral. We’d be happy to exchange information with you.’
“Oh, we’ve been ignoring concussions for YEARS, Admiral. Let us show you how to sweep neurological trauma under the rug.”
He said he thinks organized offseason conditioning has spiraled out of control. (And bully for him on this — it’s ridiculous how year-round a job playing and coaching has become.)
How dare people making millions of dollars be forced to work THE ENTIRE YEAR. That’s insanity.
my Twitter followers are appealing for me to have Favre pass Peyton Manning in my MVP Watch below
DO IT, PETE! BILOXIJIM DEMANDS IT!
“Last night,” Childress told me after the 35-9 win over the Seahawks, “when I got to the hotel, I looked in our film room. It was about 5:30. And there’s Favre, sitting there by himself, watching video. He’s amazing. He’s a worker.”
“I barely have to do anything anymore, and thank goodness for THAT.”
Sitting next to Tony Dungy on Sundays at NBC is an education.
I KNOW TONY DUNGY! HIS DIGNITY IS CONTAGIOUS!
“The same play’s been the difference-maker two weeks in a row now,” said (Gary) Brackett. “I’ve had a few big plays in my career, like the forced fumble on [Jerome] Bettis in the  AFC Championship Game, but this one was definitely huge.”
Wasn’t the AFC title game, Gary.
A couple of times last year, when he was most frustrated, Vince Young would text Kobe Bryant, who had become something of a mentor. He’d write something like…
“Be a dick to teammates. Rape a concierge.”
“There are New England football fans who’d support Belichick if he pledged to eradicate indoor plumbing.”
Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, on the local loyalty Bill Belichick inspires.
I know! It’s almost as if they think he’s good coach because he won three Super Bowls!
Coach of the Week
Brad Childress, head coach, Minnesota.
Remember Childress’ trip down to Gainesville the week before the draft to personally investigate Harvin? Childress told me this summer he wanted Harvin to pick him up and drive him around. “I wanted to be in his car, and I wanted to smell the car,” Childress said.
“Hey, this car smells like chicken and pussy!”
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
I Weep For Humanity Dept.: The NBC Football Night in America crew took in the Panthers-Rangers game Saturday night at Madison Square Garden. Entering the building, I saw eight 18ish Ranger-clad guys and gals posing for a photo, with what I assumed was a passerby who agreed to take their photo. All posed with middle fingers pointing at the camera.
What is this, the Bud Adamsing of America?
ZOMG! Teenagers in New York with bad attitudes? People from New York giving people the bird? We are merely minutes away from Snake Plissken’s New York!
In honor of passing 200,000 followers on Twitter the other day (I sit at 216,442 as the day dawns), I decided to give one of the flock the chance to write a short piece of their choosing in the column this week. I took nominations, and of the 500-plus ideas that came in, I chose @tbaysi1, Tim Baysinger of Queens, N.Y.
TIM DEMANDS BRETT FAVRE BE #1 ON YOUR MVP WATCH.
No, no. Just kidding. Here’s what Tim really had to say:
Football fans are some of the most passionate individuals you will ever meet, only surpassed by soccer fans.
Then go read a soccer column, Tim. You asshole.
I’m not sure what this means, other than I’d say it’s very unlikely to happen: I had a dream Saturday night that I was a guest at Al Davis’ house in northern California, there to advise him on what to do with the Raiders. The advice part of it wasn’t in the dream, but I’m sure if it had been, it’d have been brilliant.
And there was a talking moose! And Matt Stafford’s blood and guts were there!
Little-known facto about Tom Santi, the Colts tight end who made the first two catches of his career on the same drive at Baltimore: He had a staph infection last year before Manning did, and the Colts used his infection as a barometer for how to treat Manning.
Oooh! Ooh! Give Tom megaAIDS next and see what happens!
Nice camera work, FOX, at Tampa Bay, showing professional-wrestler-lookalike Chris Hovan putting eye-black on his young son on the field before Bucs-Saints.
AWWWWWWWWW WHAT A RUSH
Who’d have ever thought Julian Edelman would be this kind of receiver? Looks like he’s been catching passes for seven years, not seven months.
Daniel Steele says you faggets totilly shuld mak h im thee MEST!
Great point by my buddy Don Banks on SI.com Sunday night: never have two teams tied for first place looked so different than the Chargers and Broncos Sunday.
Except for those exact same two teams at the end of LAST season. Donnie Brasco, you have a photographic memory.
Never, ever have I seen Ray Lewis get faked out on a normal-looking burst over the center as I did when he fanned on a Joseph Addai second-quarter touchdown run. As Dan Dierdorf said on CBS, he’s got to be nursing a bum ankle.
Or he’s old and overrated. No, couldn’t be. Not Ray Lewis. He dances!
Tough luck, Perry Fewell. You deserved a better fate. Then again, so did Dick Jauron.
No, he didn’t.
Thanks to all old and new friends for your support at the Montclair book-signing Saturday afternoon at the Yogi Berra Museum and Learning Center at Montclair State.
Well done, learners!
On a beautiful fall afternoon, I realized how much I miss the people and the place.
And the trees! And the talk! And the nutmeg!
Thanks for running it, Dave Kaplan.
And special thanks to the NORMANS!
You call that a lot of Funkhauser? Come on, Larry David. When I say I want Funkhauser, I mean not just three or four lines.
Then buy a fucking Super Dave DVD. It’s not the Marty Funkhauser show. It’s fucking Curb.
Michael Scott at the Dunder Mifflin shareholder’s meeting was one of the great scenes in the history of The Office. Particularly his quasi-moonwalk on stage.
Good for UConn.
They beat a horrible team with a horrible coach!
Don’t even compare the Yale coach’s call — running a fake punt while up 10-7, under three minutes to go against Harvard, fourth-and-22 at his own 25, best punter in the Ivy League back to punt, no timeouts left for Harvard, Yale defense having controlled the day, runner stopped short of the first down at the Yale 40 — to Bill Belichick’s.
Jesus, he really did that? What a moron. He’s certainly not Princeton material. Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. NOT AN EATER.
Are you kidding me, Les Miles?
Actually, he was! Let’s line up and do it for REAL this time, everyone!
Sunday night, 10:47, walking back from NBC to my midtown hotel. Phone rings. It’s Brian Hyland, my former compadre on HBO’s Inside the NFL. He’s at the final Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band concert of this tour (forever, perhaps?) in Buffalo, and he’s now considerate enough to call me as “Tenth Avenue Freezeout” begins, and he keeps the phone on for the first eight minutes of the song. Thanks, Brian. Not the best sound quality, but I’m a beggar, and I’m not choosy.
And standing behind Brian that evening was a poor Buffalo resident just trying to get a glimpse of the Boss by trying to peer around Brian’s fucking phone.