Peter King. He Can Equivocate.

09.26.11 6 years ago 125 Comments

When we last left Keurig French Roast spokesman Peter King, he was busy acting as Lucky Pierre in a hot threesome with Bob McGinn and Pete Abraham, offering no pithy conclusions for anything, and taking literary license (almost) with Mike Kafka. So what about this week? Surely, the Bills’ fabulous win over New England cause Peter to give them extra loft in his power rankings, no? NO?! READ ON.

So what do you want? The good news or the bad news?

The good news? I stayed at the Conrad in Oakland last Wednesday! The bad news? NO ‘BUCKS IN THE LOBBY. The fuck, Conrad?

Great line by columnist Jim Souhan in the Minneapolis Star Tribune this morning: “It’s time for the Vikings to start thinking of “Ponder” as a noun, not a verb.”

GREAT line. I never would have thought of Christian Ponder’s name working in two different ways. Jim Souhan’s masterful wit (get that man on!) soothes the pain of this Vikings fan this morning, to be sure!

/swallows box of tacks

Much more where that came from on a weekend where we learned a lot about the NFL, and it only served to make blurrier the picture of who’s good and who’s not.

And there’s your PK butchered sentence of the week. It’s somewhere between indifference and total confusion. Much more where that came from on a day when we learned a lot about Peter’s inability to construct a sentence, only to MAKE DOUBLE FOGGIEREST the picture of what’s shit and what is poop.

This sentence, from Peter’s youth, where his uber-educated mom helped him become a great reader to his apprenticeship under his father to high school to Ohio to stealing foul balls to drinking Shock Top while checking text messages while driving a Prius.

There was something I liked about the Browns post-game Sunday… that’s the kind of team that can grow into something.

This is the kind of team that can grow into something. What is that something? I DON’T KNOW. It could be a decent team. It could be some kind of triple-headed white serpent. TOO BLURRY TO TELL.

Revelation of the day, bad: Starting to wonder if Chad Ochocinco has Steve Sax or Chuck Knoblauch disease.

More baseball analogies in my football PLEEZ.

When I saw the Patriots in practice this summer — one practice — Ochocinco dropped three easy catches.

Oh, that’s right! And here’s what you said when you saw that happen:

Another drop. Awful practice for the Ocho. But I doubt there’ll be many of those.

Who knew that drops in practice were an omen of drops in games? NOT I.

He had a bad one in the opener at Miami. And Sunday, in Buffalo, Tom Brady laid a touchdown right in his hands late in the game. Couldn’t have thrown a more perfect ball. Doink. Another drop. What is it with this guy? Stage too big for him after playing a career in nowhereland?

You’d think he’d learn to catch the ball once he arrived in CHAOSVILLE.

The Pro Football Hall of Fame already has a tough time electing receivers… Wes Welker, 29, in his fifth year in New England, caught 16 balls from Brady Sunday in Buffalo and has 559 lifetime receptions — more, now, than longtime Patriots Stanley Morgan and Troy Brown, each of whom retired with 557. I find that amazing.

Wow, I can’t believe that Wes Welker has better stats than two thoroughly average old Patriots. UNREAL.

Welker, who became Tom Brady’s favorite receiver almost upon his arrival in New England in 2007, has averaged two catches a game more with the Patriots (7.3 per game) than the prolific (Cris) Carter did with Minnesota (5.3). More yards too.

Eat hog. Cris Carter is a Hall of Famer and if Wes Fucking Ellsbury makes it before Carter does I will BURN YOUR CAR.

You can number yourself to death at the receiver position.

“Oh no! This man has been numbered to death! CALL THE POLICE!”

On Sunday in St. Louis, Ravens coach John Harbaugh told his team before the game: “Let’s salute Zeus. Let’s play the way he’d play — let’s play relentless.”

No team got off to a 21-0 start in the first quarter Sunday, except Baltimore. I’m not saying it’s because of the pregame speech. I’m just saying it happened, and maybe it’s a coincidence.

I’m not saying the ghost of Orlando Brown caused Torrey Smith to catch three touchdown passes. But I am. Sort of. Kind of. I DON’T THINK THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS BY CHANCE UNLESS IT DOES.

The Orlando Brown story says something about a lot of things.

That’s a perfect Peter King sentence right there. Much blurrier than the last one. You know you have nothing to say when you say something says something about many things.

Fine Fifteen

2. Baltimore (2-1). Just when it seemed like the Ravens might have enough offense without him, Torrey Smith appears. Explosively.

“And then I went to the airplane bathroom and green diarrhea appeared. EXPLOSIVELY.”

3. New England (2-1).

Whoa hey, wait a second there Loftboy. Didn’t they just get housed by Buffalo?

At some point, the Patriots are going to put some draft emphasis on finding a pass-rush. In the last four seasons, in average passing yards per game, New England allowed 190.1, 201.4, 209.7 and 258.5. Who would have thought the Pats would be allowing 377 passing yards per week, through three weeks?

No one, except anyone who followed the upward pattern you JUST noted in the sentence beforehand. Hey look! Here’s a team whose pass defense gets worse every year! Who knew they’d continue to get worse?!

7. Buffalo (3-0).

What the fuck? Why is Buffalo below New England, Peter? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, GOD DAMMIT!


10. Oakland (2-1). Darren McFadden is a legitimate star.

Alas, the same will not be able to be said about his 56 children.

11. New York Jets (2-1). I’m mystified about what to do with the Jets. Time will tell.

Durrr I don’t know anything. Perhaps the future will serve to only make things less blurry!

15. Washington (2-0). Why not Philly here? Thought long and hard about it.

“Hey, why didn’t you put a shittier team ahead of an unbeaten one?” asked no one.

I just don’t know who the Eagles are right now.

I just don’t know who they are. Are they a football team? Are they some kind of Reno cabaret act? Are they Paul Harveyish? Are they human, or are they dancer?

(Dwight) Freeney had four tackles, two sacks, three more quarterback hits and a forced fumble, and it seemed he was in Ben Roethlisberger’s kitchen for three hours.

And when you’re in his kitchen for that long… he’s gonna whip out that gray penis.

So on Thursday, I paid off a debt from a charity auction last spring: I went to Curt Schilling’s 38 Studios in downtown Providence. (An autism-spectrum charity in Boston, YouthCare, had me auction myself off for an appearance, and Schilling chose a lunch with some in his video game company.)


PETER: Hang on, just a second I’m on the phone with Tom Dimitroff who watches CNN a lot. You want a Peanut Toffee Clif bar, kid? This coffee sure is weak. GOT A GREAT NUGGET FROM THE RANGERS GM ABOUT JOSH HAMILTON THE OTHER DAY. Is it me, does Seattle seem awfully far away from everything?

AUTISTIC KID: Jesus, you’re weird.

Schilling’s company occupies a six-floor building a short walk from the center of downtown, and I was amazed at the beehive of activity by scores of employees who don’t seem to hang around the water cooler much.


They were having too much fun at their jobs.


Game designers, artists, writers, marketers, all in a relaxed environment living by Schilling’s three work rules: Be on time, work your rear end off and don’t dress worse than the boss.

And ixnay on the “I used red dye on my ocksay”. Unofficial fourth rule.

And Schilling has a pet ferret in his office.

Fucking great to know. But what color was the wall? And what brand of shitter does his company bathroom use? And is there Splenda by the coffee machine? I have to know all these things. How long did it take you to walk there, fucko?

(Drew) Bledsoe was a very good player for the Patriots, to be sure. But even in Buffalo, the staff tired of him taking such strong control of the offense — and other things.


a. That’s why they paid you the big bucks to come from Cincinnati, Johnathan Joseph, to pick off Drew Brees in a prove-it game for your Texans D. Even if, in the end, the Texans didn’t prove it.

That’s why they paid you the big bucks, kiddo. To prove it even though you didn’t prove it.

b. Even after he’s being appreciated more, Trent Cole’s underappreciated.

I swear this sentence is in here. God, that Trent Cole is under the radar. LIKE A FALCON. Even when he’s not under the radar! He’s radar-proof!

We say this all the time, but this is zero percent exaggeration: Sebastian Janikowski kicked a 54-yard field goal at the end of the first half against the Jets that landed — on a line drive — two-thirds of the way up the net behind the goal post. That kick would have been good from 70. I’m sure of it.

Legit 100% certainty. And yet, who IS Sebastian Janikowski? That question isn’t so easy to answer…

Excellent job by FOX, and host Curt Menefee, to apologize for the network’s bungled Chicago Bear reporting on a phony, negative Jay Cutler headline.

OUTSTANDING job fucking up and then actually noting that you fucked up, FOX. That’s what journalism ought to be. I heard all about it on Sirius radio the other day.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, who used to watch Tom Brady in his dorm room at Harvard, outdueled him. What a story.

What a democracy.

g. Tom Coughlin. He can coach.

h. Fred Jackson. He can run.

k. Derek Jeter. He can lead.

m. Toone P. Wiggins. He can cook.

9. Five coffee towns better than Appleton. I can’t name them.

k. Big win for Seattle. Didn’t know the Seahawks had it in ’em.

Huge win over that team that sucks. Didn’t know one shitty team could arbitrarily beat another shitty team while at home.

Still waiting for Shonn Greene to take the Jets rushing job by the throat and run with it. Look at the comparison of backs Sunday in Oakland. It told the tale, basically.

Allow me to unnecessarily hedge on the following stats!

c. The phrase “indisputable evidence.” Study it, referees.

Evidence lessons. You need them, refs.

I think Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum told a great story the other day about how Larry David called him out of the blue before the 2006 draft and told him he had to take Reggie Bush with the Jets’ first draft pick.

How could you do that, Larry? That team needed MORE FUNKHAUSER.

It’s the end of R.E.M as we know it, and I feel fine.

Because no one made that joke last week.

Not really.


But we did get some great music out of R.E.M.


Thank you, Mike.


I’m thinking of using Pandora as my music source. Thoughts?

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you thinking of music that included minor key tonality and/or cameos from Billie Jean King? Pandora can’t do that.

c. Not sure which is my favorite Red Sox collapse stat.


It was, however, nice to see Paul Simon at Yankee Stadium Saturday.

Quick! Add him to your Pandora!

j. To the many who have asked (honest: many have), yes, Leon has passed Marty Funkhauser on the Curb Your Enthusiasm male co-star power ratings based on the performance of the last two seasons.

I demand to know who the fuck asked this question. I want to meet the mongoloid shitbox who goes to Peter King for comedic power rankings. This is even worse than Simmons writing about “Louie.”

But if the writers would write Funkhauser into the series a little, maybe that would be a different story. Can’t hit home runs if the manager doesn’t send you up to the plate.

By contrast, look at how “The Office” manages Nard Dog. They gave him the clean up spot. Now THAT is how you run a comedy organization. I bet Greg Daniels watches CNN all the time.

I just can’t imagine the UConn press corps going to Athens, DeKalb, Mount Pleasant and Muncie. And Kent.

I know! Because Storrs, CT, is such a bastion of urbane sophistication! And now you’re telling me that legendary writers like Dom Amore will have to slum it in places like Muncie? THAT’S NOT AMORE.

I love the MAC. I went to Ohio U. I covered the MAC track championships in Ypsilanti once.

YOUNG PETER: Where is the coffee at this meet? Do you kids know how long it took me to drive here?

But to think of UConn playing in it … well, that’s about the biggest headline of any of these conference changes to me.

It’s certainly the nutmeggiest change.

I did have a Yankee Stadium latte Saturday afternoon.

Oh thank God. If you went through life without trying it, I would have DIED.

Surprisingly competent.

And even better when paired with braised cauliflower and monster carrots, the ziti and salmon in a light lemon cream sauce, two California rolls and four raviolis with the short-rib filling. With a glass of Argentinian Malbec. Sumptuous.

Not good, but passable, with good foam.

“Love that foam.”

-Rick Santorum.

It’s the first baseball latte I’ve ever had that wasn’t made in Seattle.

A crucial latte nugget.

Not sure who among the fine brewers up at Saranac, in Utica. N.Y., put out the Saranac Pomegranate Wheat Beer, but it’s not good.

Whoa hey, who knew fruity novelty beers weren’t always delicious? This beer clearly needed a citrus element.

I did, however, love the label — a bear in sunglasses, juggling pomegranates.

God, this beer tastes like sh… OMIGOD YOU GUYS CUTE BEAR! DUNGE, COME LOOK!

Congrats on the baby, Gregg Rosenthal. Gregg and wife Emeka had a girl, Ella, named after Ellis Burks, who was Gregg’s favorite baseball player growing up rooting for the Red Sox. Yes, I did question the Rosenthals for not naming her Carleen, or Teddette, or something based on one of the great Sox players ever.

“Gregg, why didn’t you name your kid the Montclair Pedroias?”

But I will say this: Burks did have more career homers than Boog Powell, Ron Santo and Barry Bonds.

No he didn’t. Did I miss something here?

So you have my blessing, Rosenthals.

I guess I’m okay with it. But don’t go naming your next kid after John Lackey! I WON’T ACKNOWEDLGE ITS PRESENCE.

Is Tony Romo incredibly brave, playing with a cracked rib and a punctured lung? Are Dallas doctors, as former quarterback and CBS analyst Boomer Esiason suggests, negligent for allowing him to play after the injury last week, and again tonight? Good debate.

Hey, here’s an interesting topic which I have no opinion on. Way to argue it out, other people!

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